Let’s teach our young people how to make love, not just how to f*ck.
I hate, hate, hate how sex is portrayed in the movies.
Teenagers are watching lots of movies and music videos (mostly produced by men). Without open discussions between parents and their kids, these movies are where our kids are learning about sex—and it’s all terribly wrong.
A scene from just about any movie out there goes like this: man and woman meet, become instantly attracted, walk into a random building, and begin breathlessly tearing one another’s clothes off.
They’re so impatient they don’t even remove all their clothes. He nearly rips her panties off, unzips to take out his man parts, and they have a quickie. Sex happens, breathlessly and roughly, up against the wall, on a desk or the kitchen table, in an alleyway—occasionally even in the bedroom.
When it’s over, she feels grateful, and he feels studly.
Another classic storyline could be: man and woman meet, become instantly attracted, walk into a random building. He puts his hand on the back of her head, pushing it down to give him a blow job.
When it’s over, she feels grateful, and he feels studly.
Excuse the pun but, this is f*cked up!
Let me rewrite these scenes. This is how I want it to go:
Man and woman meet. They spend time getting to know a little about one another. They are attracted to what they see in one another—the unique personality quirks, the delightful animation, the kindnesses, the passion for life.
They start to feel a desire for one another. They begin to flirt. They do the dance of unspoken desire. This builds tension, and their desire grows. Finally, they mutually decide to play out their passion for one another.
They come together in a place that is comfortable and nurturing for their first sexual experience together. They light candles as a ritual act to create an atmosphere of reverence because they both acknowledge that this is a sacred act.
Slowly, deliberately, and with great care, they remove one another’s clothes. They notice things about one another’s bodies. They appreciate the curve of the neck, ahhh…there’s a kiss. The length of the thigh, ahhh…several more kisses there.
They look deeply into one another’s eyes. Their eyes give permission, without a word, to explore those intimate parts of each other. The foreplay envelops them both, and their desire grows even more. Finally, they lay down on the bed and begin to kiss and caress one another.
Their passion grows until both are fully ready for him to insert himself into her—the ultimate act of intimacy. They move together slowly and deliberately, giving one another pleasure, receiving pleasure—riding waves of ecstasy, together.
Let me acknowledge here that this is a hetero scene but could be written to encompass an equally beautiful non-hetero experience.
This is what we need to be teaching our young people—how to make love, not just how to f*ck.
The evolution of our culture, from a state of sexual repression to a place of sexual liberation, had been positive in many ways—especially for women. We fought for the freedom to express our sexuality rather than hiding behind outdated morals. This is a good thing.
But the scale has been tipped toward a place of exploitation. And it’s not just exploitation from another person. We are exploiting ourselves for the sake of being desirable to a partner, trying to achieve some bullsh*t cinematic sexual ideal. This goes for both women and men.
Even the language of sexuality has become degraded. We no longer court one another. We don’t even date anymore. We hook up. Dogs hook up, for God’s sake. People should not.
We pander to the quickie. We bypass real connection to get to the bump and grind of some semblance of passion. We rush to the potential for orgasm but miss out on the sweetness of pleasuring one another in that slow dance of desire.
We need a new sexual revolution—one that truly liberates the spirit, not just the body.
But who will be the leaders of this revolution?
We can’t teach what we haven’t been taught. Who can teach the young ones how to experience the fullness of their sexual desire? Who will teach them that there is a precursor to true sexual intimacy with another person: the practice of developing intimacy with oneself first.
We need to teach the young ones how to be nurturing to their own tender body. We must teach them that physical intimacy should be guided by a knowing from within their own unique spirit.
Who are they? What do they desire? What do they need? What pleasures them? These are things for them to discover about themselves first before ever engaging in sexual intimacy with another person.
We need to teach them how to honor themselves. To honor themselves enough that they feel liberated to ask for what they need and say no to what they don’t want.
And please, let’s dial it back in the movies. Enough of glorifying the quickie. Enough of Wham! Bam! Thank You, Ma’am! Show me some real intimacy. Honestly, it’s so much more interesting.
Let’s teach our kids what sex is meant to be: a sacred union between two people.
Let’s teach them how to make love, and not just how to f*ck.
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