I recently read (yet another) article regarding what men want from women.

I clicked to read it for a specific reason: I wanted to see if the article was written by a man or a woman.

This particular article was written by a woman. I did find a well-written and beautifully worded article. But I also find this type of article to be somewhat self-indulgent.

I see so many articles that have those same words in the title: “What women want from a man,” or “What men want from a woman,” and I find them to be somewhat problematic. Most of them group men and women into a general category as if we don’t have our own individual wants and needs.

I know, and most of you reading this will agree, that no woman can actually know what men want from us and vice versa. We will not find the answer to this age-old question by reading an article. Some women may think they know what men want from women.

Initially, we believe that by reading these articles, we can magically morph into someone who knows all of the other person’s wants and needs. That there will never be any reason for them to express to us what those are—because we already know. We have already figured it out. We can be the perfect partner right from the get-go. We know the secret, because we read the article. This seems so simple. So easy. So perfect. Right?

But to think that by simply reading this type of article, we can become what the other person wants and needs, that we can land the perfect man or woman by doing so—is ridiculous.

Maybe, instead, we can step back and realize that every person in this world is an individual and it takes time and communication to find out what an individual wants and needs from us. That these articles are not going to help us find the partner we are looking for.

We all have different and specific ideas about what we want, need, and look for in a partner. Not one single individual’s characteristics can be lumped into “what women or men want.”

For example, some people want to spend every minute of their free time with their partner. This makes them happy, and they need to look for a partner who also wants this. Personally, I don’t want or need this. I enjoy and need my alone time, and getting it makes me a better person. Don’t get me wrong—I very much enjoy spending time with a partner, but not every single minute of my free time. I am independent, and I need time to recharge away from everyone. I have always been like this, even as a child. So, it’s important for me to find a partner who doesn’t expect to be with me every minute of every day.

Some people need a phone call or text each day from their partner to just “check in” (but not to “check on”—there is a difference). This is something I need. I need to know that my partner is okay, that they are alive, and that nothing has gone wrong that day, nothing awful has happened to them. This may sound ridiculous to some people, but I suffer from anxiety and if I don’t have this from my partner, my mind can go to dark places and cause extreme anxiety. So personally, I want a partner who knows and understands this about me. I need a person who understands my anxiety and is okay with checking in, whereas other people can go days without hearing from their partner, knowing they are just busy or doing their own thing and they are fine.

Again, different people need different things from a partner and in a relationship.

Instead of reading an article to find out what we think a person wants, our time is better spent communicating—as openly as we can.

Take time to find out what they want and need from us. Equally as important is to find someone who listens and is aware of what we want and need from them in return. To make sure that we, as individuals, will each do our best to meet the other’s needs. To understand that we cannot simply read an article and try to be everything that we think a person wants. Because this is an unrealistic approach to finding a partner. We are all different, which is what makes us individuals.

In the end, the effort it takes to have open communication will be rewarded when both individuals feel seen and heard and nurtured in their relationships.