As I reflect on these next few day… as Jesus lay in HIS tomb.
Being me.
What has become of me and the life, I’ve created for myself.
It didn’t start off easy, as a matter of fact, it was damn hard.
I’ve survived my childhood trauma’s with vigor and resolution.
Taking me into my teens and young adulthood, filled with the after math of those traumatic experiences and the physical ailments that preceded. I learned to suffer in silence as a young girl being diagnosed with PTSD, Anorexia, Trauma, panic and anxiety disorder. No one understood, nor could they show compassion for what they did not know. I was troubled, is all I ever heard. Well, yes I was. What I did about it, would not acquire a, Thank you, to any one, but myself. I fought battles, no one knew, with no cure or remedy available in the moment.
It was all self taught. There was no one to run to when it took over my entire being. No one that could comfort me, in that moment. One has to rationalize with themselves, who am I and what do I expect of myself? It’s not an easy task, when you don’t know the solution, nor the outcome. All you know, is you must do, everything available to you, to make it out of the darkness. Many times, you climb out of that black hole, alone. Leaving many to judge and question your sanity. One thing I knew for certain, I was not crazy; only tormented. There is a difference. To those, who tried; Thank you. To those, who judged: Thank you.
Being alone, no I mean truly alone in your suffering, can do one of two things. It can break you, or it can make you.
I am unbreakable. I made the best me; that there was. I survived, broken relationships, alone. I never really had that one person I could run to or rely on. Mostly, just my Mom and Dad and even they didn’t know how to help.
Many tears shed, for what I expected, but never received. I’ve learned to love me. First! While raising and loving my children, alone. Anyone want to argue just how hard it is raising children alone, when your struggling to keep it all together. It’s hard enough when you have a loving partner, who rides those waves with you.
Showing strength and relentless resilience, to not one – but add another two young boys. All while trying to keep your sanity and wits about you. To those that made me who I am today, Thank you.
I’ve carried my cross. I’ve forgiven the sins of others and those that transgressed against me. I apologize to those I have hurt along the way. To my children, for being so hard on them. I never wanted them to make the same mistakes I had. I learned that love does conquer all and how you treat people means a lot. I wasn’t always the best mother, though I tried to be. But I did the best I could, with what I had and knew. I hope I am forgiven for being human.
Being alone is a choice. It’s one that I picked for a while; so that I could heal me, my past and be better for my future self.
I am at peace. I will rise above all this, as I’ve always done. I have little tolerance for anyone that doesn’t respect me or my choices. I am whole and I love me.
Now, to rest in the “tomb”..
knowing my Heavenly Father has unconditional love for me. I will wait in anticipation; for the one that will show me the same. One, that won’t make me wonder, or wait. One, that won’t make me chase. One, that sees my worth and wants to travel through this next phase of my life, at my side.
One, that will make the effort, will take the steps and show me what I deserve. And if not, I know that I have everything I’ve ever needed or wanted. The love I have for my family, my children and seeing my grandchildren be born and walk this earth.
Being me, used to be hard. Being me, used to come with all kinds of conditions I placed on myself to achieve. Those things for which I ache for, I give to only ONE, that has the power to deliver.
For I now know, that I have one to answer to – and all the others have a choice to include me in their lives, or walk away.
Cindy Fuller ❤️©
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