What follows is a conversation that happened between two aspects of myself: Survival, my survival state, the one taking all the hits through the past six traumatic years of my life; and Child, my inner child, inner dreamer and lover of risks and adventures who has been hiding away, terrified, all this time.

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Child: “Hey Survival, it’s been a while. I feel like we are neighbors yet you don’t spend much time caring about me, or even just looking at me. I know you’re busy but I’m lonely. I have all these dreams, all this life I want to experience, all these ideas yet I can’t move.
I’m missing something. I’m missing you. I need your blessing, your approval but somehow I know you don’t trust me anymore and won’t give it to me. I’m lonely. I am not meant to sit around and wait, I am born to explore, dream, experience and create. But I can’t.”

Survival: “Child, you might be lonely but I’m exhausted. You might feel like you’re missing out but honestly you forgot to step in when I needed you to. I’ve been carrying this ship on my own, dealing with all the trauma, the hurt, the cold days, the long nights and the pain. I’m tired, and you’re merely just a child who isn’t getting dessert.
Yes we used to be friends and made many memories together, but as soon as you had to give me control you vanished. You left me in my biggest time of need and watched me struggle whilst you waited. Tell me Child, how could you? I trusted you… I trusted us.”

Child: “You constantly shame me. You constantly make me to be a spoiled child but never give me the opportunity to grow. So as hard as it might be, I will try and explain.
I admit I stood on the side lines. We had something so great going, I didn’t want it to end. It may have started this way but as I stood there, watching you get hit again and again, taking it, getting back up but hurting, changing even more… I admit I got scared. I still am in a way. I got traumatized by what I was witnessing and paralyzed by fear. I know what you’ll say: I could have joined in any way. But the truth is I am not as brave as you. I wasn’t born to get hurt, at least I don’t believe so.
I have been dealing with the trauma and the torture of seeing you getting hurt but I now know there isn’t a me without you. I need you to move again. You are all that I am missing. I am sorry for not having been as strong as you but I won’t apologize for keeping me alive when all I wanted was to disappear, to die.”

Survival: “My ability to reason might have be affected by my state of exhaustion as I never believed you struggled all this time. For this, I apologize.
I am conscious that I didn’t do it all correctly but I am proud of what I faced. My role isn’t the fun one and I don’t like who I am without you. I was angry because I thought you knew. I now have such a hard time to trust: trusting things are better, trusting we are not in danger, trusting I need rest, trusting giving back control now that I have seen what the world is truly like. Help me so I can help you.”

Child: “I understand the world hasn’t felt safe enough to let go. I understand I wasn’t there either. But I was busy growing up. And then I got busy getting back up. I’m standing now but I can’t walk on my own.
I think we can agree that it will never be safe enough for you to retire and without me life will merely be just an existence. Let us walk together. Let us feed of off each other. You need the rest and I need the space. I am just not sure I know how to move anymore.”

Survival: “Child, you say you weren’t born to get hurt, but you were born to take risk. I can take the hurt but I need you to risk a better life for us. Neither of us are happy, neither of us are strong enough but together we can start moving again!”