Ask yourself, how are you here? What were your first moments alive? It will have been a mother’s loving embrace as a crying baby taking your first breaths of life. We experience a chain of love that we cherish as children and reject as teenagers, clinging to the idea that we must be grown up and distant from our loved ones.

Volatile hormone changes during adolescence create immense insecurity and by the time we have adjusted, we forget the innocence of childhood and the majority of the happy memories along with it. Plagued with dysphoria, we look to society to define us, to validate our sense of being as ‘good enough’. Some will adopt the notion that you have to earn a certain salary to be good enough. Some will interpret conforming to traditional norms of owning a home, or forming the role of a parent to be good enough. Some will look to religion vying for an afterlife along with a scripture-based values.

Being social creatures we need social validation in our environment.

But it is up to you to choose this environment.

Shatter the illusion that a perfect life is desirable. What matters most is a loving life, with plenty of imperfections and flaws. Once you have liberated yourself with this truth, you now need to find yourself. It is common for people to spend significant amounts of time trying to impress people who really do not give thought much thought, and neglect the importance of those who value us highly.

So here’s your task.

1. Write down 3 people who value you. Any three people, they don’t have to be a lover or a family member. It could be the barista at the coffee shop who knows your order by heart, a neighbour who always stops to have a chat when walking by, or someone friendly from work.
2. Write down what you like about them. This can be a small detail. Maybe their smile. Perhaps you’ve shared a positive memory together. Anything that is TRUE, write down. You can’t lie, or exaggerate just for the sake of this task. If you can’t think of anything at this point in time, it’s okay for now, leave this blank.
3. Write down how they show their value. Everyone has a different way of expressing their value for other people. For some it’s gift giving, and others positive affirmations. It can be demoralising to think that if a person doesn’t do X, then they don’t value you.

That’s the first and easy part. Now, use this as a benchmark to navigate how much time to spend around people, looking for similar actions of value. If you surround yourself with people who leave you feeling drained, it is a lot harder to sustain the important nourishing self-love that teenagers reject firmly and swiftly, and adults feel cautious of.

It is okay to spend time alone. I repeat, it is okay to spend time alone. Especially, if it provides you a sense of peace and tranquility and you’re using your energy to reinforce positive thoughts about yourself or your future.

While you’re navigating time with people, ask yourself if you’re balancing the value you gain from your environment with general societal expectations. There are always things that we must do for other people in order to peacefully coexist, but if you can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself that was meaningful and fulfilling, then it’s time to use the value benchmark more.

The fundamental point is, we reject the purest forms of love when we strive to be good enough for other people. Just be yourself and navigate mindfully.