I started the beginning of the year with tears.

Not to sound dramatic, but regardless of the whole New Year resolution clichés, you can’t but ponder upon your life at the end of each year and just check in with yourself. “Am I happy? Am I content? How can I improve myself?”

And so I went on with that…and began to cry. It’s not that I wasn’t happy in my life; I was, but something was missing. So I started to reflect on what might have been missing, and I was able to pinpoint on my career especially. I wasn’t happy with what I was doing anymore. And so at 30, I decided to change my career, to find what I actually wanted to be doing, to explore my options, to understand what it is I’m good at and go for that.

So I started to explore different career paths with opportunities that presented themselves my way. Six months later, I found myself falling into the same loop, and so as I pondered on my life again today, I began to cry. Now I’m getting my period in a couple of days, but I’m sure that’s not it, right?

Was I trying too hard to find something that defines me? Because I feel like that’s it; it’s like I come up with a new idea every day. Something new I might be good at. But everything I was going into, I was excelling at (and this is not the ego speaking here; it’s true).

I’m sure it’s not just me, and I’m sure everyone goes through this, but I just want to admit that this is so tiring. I’m presenting myself here and writing to you, not merely to share my thoughts but to probably open room for discussion and advice. Who else here is always feeling the burden of not knowing themselves? Or what to do? Going through every single thing that goes their way and still not feeling content? Is it just me? Because if it is, well, then that’s just depressing.

But then as I started sharing these thoughts with people around me, I got this answer, “Well, no one is happy with what they do, they just do it, because you have to and this is life.” Now that answer is depressing. I’m sure everyone has the right to explore and find at least a career that, with all the struggle, gives contentment at the end of the day. But how satisfied are we, really?

So here’s the secret:

You never truly find yourself because yourself doesn’t exist in careers and jobs and social media.

Yourself doesn’t exist in the diet you choose or the clothes you wear…these are all patterns that society puts out as trends, and we merely find where we belong on the outside.

Yourself doesn’t exist.

And once you detach from this individualism you are so strongly trying to fit into, you realize how lifeless life is. What does that mean? Well, I think it means we tend to accessorize life too much, that when we live simply, people think that’s dull and boring and lifeless. But that’s where life is—away from all that is said to be “life” nowadays, all the glamor and careers and money and trends, everything we fall into that makes us lose ourselves.

We exist where we simply don’t exist.

I’ll get back to you on that soon enough. This is where I start exploring again: “We exist where we simply don’t exist.”

~