Already

It might
be best
to express
the essence
of this
without
overthinking.

This
feels like
my doubt
whether
that
last pregnancy
would end
with a baby,
until
sometime between
the onset
of contractions
and sunup
it progressed enough
to call
for the doctor.

Awakened
from a nap,
she dreamt
she just delivered him.
If
it already
happened
there,
I could trust
it would
here,
without fear.
Finally
that long
season
of grief
and healing
shifted.

Something tugs
me into
connection
again
like a child
wanting
attention,
but wait
just one
more minute
to finish
something.

Memories
become fresh
like yesterday,
anticipating
this twist
to maybe
become
something
happier.

Company
feels nice
in this space
I cleared
for myself,
and kept that way,
to heal
to remember
my value,
also
because I know
how
hurt people
hurt people
hurt people.

A chrysalis
isn’t meant
to stay
in that shape
forever,
though,
so
it might
be time
to relax
those boundaries
I wound
so tightly
around myself
for everyone’s
protection.

My body
is already
responding
to this
flow
of energy.
I wonder
where it’s going
but it’s
taking its
sweet
time
not
arriving,
just being
whatever
it is.

I question
my ability
to be
the change
I want
to see
in the world:
less
bullsh*t,
more
love.

It’s only
the only
question
that
really
matters.

When
I remember
it’s a process,
not
a destination,
then
I can
admit
I’m
already
pregnant
with something
again.