Almost 3 weeks ago I elected not to refill my prescription of antidepressants. After learning that a trauma disorder defined why my brain reacted to life the way it did, I wanted to give my brain a chance to show me what it does on its own.

I’ve been working for months to build a relationship with myself and me, leading to feeling safer in the world and with the people in it. I didn’t originally recognize my anxiety as linked to my situation, who I was around, or my environment, as I believed it was the entire picture of my imbalance. I believed I was a very anxious person, and that’s just how it was.  Today I use a new way of speaking with myself, I stick with myself and remind myself that even in cringe moments I am allowed to make mistakes, and I remind myself that my husband and son are the main people who matter at the end of things.

I used to walk around with this knowledge of the big picture without truly relating to it at all. My job would give me a lot of anxiety, as for most of the first year I worked as a nurse I identified with that career more than my life outside of work. I think a lot of people work like this, we can know in our minds that our home life comes first without ever having a direct route to avoiding getting too caught up in life outside the home, social media, or on people that don’t engage with the most important aspects of life directly.

If I could give anything to the world today, I’d give it knowledge of self before anything else. Even if I lived alone, my home life would still matter more than who I was to the world, and what I was doing in it. Just a month ago my therapist and I were talking about my habit of going out every day. This was a diverge from our typical topics of conversation, perhaps its rather ironic, but we didn’t often discuss my day-to-day habits. It was then that she instructed me to find a safe place at home to assist me in being an active member. I wasn’t aware that I was putting aside my day-to-day life outside of my relationship with my son, to attempt to figure out the big picture of my mental health for months on end. I have a yoga room, isn’t that more than enough of a safe place?

I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t in a relationship with my environment at home. When it comes down to it, I never had that habit. When I was young, it was somewhere I lived while I waited on the edge of my seat until I could graduate high school and leave. In college, it was somewhere I shared with roommates, and was usually a cheap spot where I couldn’t afford more than my bed and desk- and I’d have multiple jobs at a time just to keep living in it. This is the first time in my life that I have a home that is meant to be “home”.

Last night I had the first night that I came home from work and felt “bored”. I don’t feel like I have experienced being bored since I was young. My brain wasn’t running a mile a minute on some crazed pursuit of knowledge or happiness, I wasn’t living vicariously through a new book or show, and I didn’t have any big emotional feeling I was working out. I had a simple day, I was happy to be home, and I was bored.

I guess coming out of survival mode isn’t a circus.

When I woke up this morning, nothing had changed. I think I’ll start making effort on exercise today, and maybe pick up a book to learn more about a hobby I have interest in.

A few weeks ago I exercised what I had learned about my root chakra, my right to be here, and have self-preservation. I feel for me, suicidal ideation is finally a thing of the past. Before last week I was exploring what I have learned about my sacral chakra, or right to feel. I accept that there will be plenty more to feel through, but it won’t be as devastating as my prior experiences. Moods are the weather I’m living in, and nothing to be afraid of, they aren’t the world itself. Last week I was getting in touch with my right to act, associated with the solar plexus chakra. I suppose this week is to be determined, but it seems to be starting with exercising action.

My intention for the end of this week is to feel inspired. I don’t know what by or whom, but I’d like to finish this week with a new creative outlet