Part 1: The Fluidity of Thoughts (2021)

One thing I’ve come to a standing point, in my first focus is the consciousness of my thoughts, over the past few years, mainly because of the mundane fact we’ve been supposed to such long isolation, and with that, my consequence was the realisation of viewing my thoughts as facts and realising how it relates to how my life is when thoughts are not viewed as facts, but merely an expression as the presence you’re facing at that time in a moment, which succumbs the idea of fluidity. I was asked in the summer, what I would like to be when I was older, how I would like to feel, and the road I would take, and I was measured mainly by my answer to my rationalism. But my answer surprised the individual I was in conversation with and those around me. My response with ‘Do you not want to find true happiness, love and security?’ My answer was, of course, I do, everyone strives with this distinct feeling of goals towards accomplishments, and a goal, reward, to them through these things I thought as journeys and paths I was following in my life as to an end reach, as the happiness. To me, happiness is a feeling of fluidity, just as everything else follows with the acclimation of reaching it. I thought to describe how I feel it, and my goal of it, as linking to my first passage, roots. My happiness is the roots, which furrow through the ground, and feed my tree nutrients, and then the leaves through it, go through many phases, which are photosynthesis, a consequence of the sun, then weather making it change through also purposing the tree, the main root for example, and then falling at the end in its decomposition, used as a metaphor to imagine how my happiness changes through the things I view, experience, my ‘weather changes’ the things I view, how I am nurturing, but I still stay the tree, the observer. Then I went on how to describe that the meaning and feeling of happiness is more complex than an all-good release of serotonin of the comfort of money, family, wealth, health and love. It is more than a reward to keep you functioning in your viewpoint of life in your little brain’s society of thoughts. That happiness is everywhere, and we come to disbelief of this when our five senses can’t perceive it, and that’s how it happens, the world as a whole has become demystified in this reality, that we are, happy, down in our hearts, we believe things are better off the earth, such as heaven, our dreams, our visions, things dreamed of by empiricists’ philosophy, but for some reason a lot of us feel it isn’t wise to converse this into public. These can link the cognisance of senses, with our western ideals, and our practises of our civilisation concocted hundreds of years ago by people well known such as Aristotle, Descartes and Plato, and Francis Bacon’s tribute to the Scientific Revolution through the belief of the valid approach to science was one that was only empirical, the ‘Empire of Man over Creation’ with its equivalent to ‘humans better, humans first’, which then last links to the quality of life, then the quality of humans vs animals, then plans, tree, ecosystems, fungi, our senses as an observer and spirituality.

Also, the lack of people’s options in openness to reality and what the world around us could be is a massive part of the effect. A simple comparison here for understanding is Western views versus Indigenous. And how massively different they view and experience the world, one of the distractions, and one of fullness and complete awareness of their surroundings. Indigenous worldviews are seen as the whole person, the intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and physical, as interconnected to land and concerning others, and the Western Worldview is defined that humans are dominant over nature and feels natural resources should be used to benefit humanity, man first, the man declares humans as superior, and remain superior to all living, and non-living things in the environment. One thing I’ve always struggled dearly with is understanding what life is, why we are thinking these ways about things, how others can treat us like they do, whether that is through love, or opposing themselves, and just how complex every. Little. Thing. Is. And well… Could be? But although it is undoubtedly tiring, questioning everything in the world from when I wake up to when I go to sleep since I was little and discovered that the moon doesn’t follow the car when it moved along with the focus of my eye along miles and miles, over mountains, seas and more, but I also found out about how a lot of people don’t view life in such comparison to me as a big non-stopping evolutionary question of all wonderfulness bursting into multiple colours and visionary comparisons upon paradoxes of ever-coming thoughts, and to me, this is a gift.
Some would describe this feeling as empathy, or call me an empath, but it is so much more than feeling other emotions, feeling the vibe in a room, feeling immense tension, or relating to others. It is truly living life to such an extraordinary extent that every single thing around you floats on ever since centimetre on your body like glowing particles of dust, and you feel the music so much that you can almost feel your body, and soul rising with it also, that feeling is, if you’ve ever experienced anything such as vertigo, I could describe it as a transcendent magical version of it, an only select few can experience. And no matter what stage I feel I am at in life, I am always evidently happy that I am one of the select few that can feel this way about it. I remember walking into my last session of counselling, after years and years, I spent a night discovering myself with a dear friend from my past of mine, and a lot of things were unveiled to me through the discovery of things I’ve dug deep within myself, I went through a whole journey on self-discovery- which am still absolutely on, and will be on that bus for a long time, I enjoyed this time with my dear friend, which I’ll treasure for the fact they made me who I am today and I am finally in acceptance of myself, I said to my counsellor of many years… “Look around you? Do you not understand? Look at those leaves outside! Aren’t they beautiful, just look around you? I do not need to speak but feel everything which is right in front of me” and then I left, and have not returned, 3 years later, but have also developed a weird sense of insecurity around self-analysis.

One thing I have always, and probably will remain with me, is I have an immense feeling of being alone, and loneliness, from a point no one can, no matter how much I explain, know who I am, find out who I am, understand who I am, and be with me, for some time, as I was going through a diagnosis of a personality disorder, I have found myself this year, something I never thought I would discover before. That in fact, I was my own best friend and lover I have been waiting for since that 5-year-old was sat in the corner of her room dazed and confused on how she couldn’t have friends without being able to understand. I will describe these friends on how I measure them, as I respect them, and trust them, and they are my mentor in my life, but this is not me, how I act, talk, and what I show other people, but this is, a massive, important part of myself. My mentor is mature and gives me a deep sense of intuition, safety, guidance, love, assurance, and care. They help me understand things and take my thoughts out of the barriers that are put behind them. They help me open my mind up past my iron bars to endless arrays of walks in the sunshine, and my mentor holds my hand so I can push that big boulder in front of me down that cliff. That mentor is me, a loving, caring person, but it is part of something so corrupt and cruel, that it can’t always be on a straight path of guidance and light without it taking different trails which lead sometimes the wrong way. Yet we must remember, these things happen. And with everything that goes up, must come down. But a thing with these ups and downs that go on in my head is that they’re so surreal when they’re up, they’re filled with endless light and possibility, joy, love, romance, and dreams, that when it comes down, I feel like I am stuck in a hole that I cannot come out of, and my body is trying to escape my head.

And then comes the grievance process, where I must physically, and emotionally grieve who I was, and it is the deepest depression I have ever felt, yet every single time it becomes a little easier. You can try to describe it to people, but no one will ever truly understand how hard it is for you to lose yourself completely, again and again, and when you just thought you found yourself again, you fall in love, you bond again with your family, you make new friends, start a new job, move house and you feel like you’re reaching a peak, you crash. The littlest trigger. And everything falls, back into that hole, behind those bars, you remain stuck, and clouded. And when the sadness is over, it all restarts again. This wasn’t a ‘Personality-Disorder’, but was a masked addiction I had, to me. To alcohol, to the past and comfort I found in these dark and empty caves I was familiar with, and when I thought I had a heart condition for years, when really, behind the unmasked truth I genuinely believed, was a life I wasn’t meant to be living, and my body telling me “I can’t breathe here”.

Part 2: A Journey through Disciplinary Beliefs (May 2022)

Returning now to my journey, I am going to take you through a new chapter. This is a disciplinary study into a path of absolute wealth and abundance used in a way to form and mould a routine, to influence health, creativity, social growth, and gratitude as a starting point of reformation and rehabilitation of past beliefs and experiences. Trying to take a more informal route to explain how we’re going to go about this here, I will teach it as if we are dictating a conversation between two individuals, where we may form a connection of trust, security, and reliability. As this journey is so individual to every person, it would be unfair to say reading what I dictate will change anything. Yet we must listen, observe, and believe, as we find optimism in other words. Ignoring others, and dismissing inspiration, is denying letting a special kind of optimism in. And if you can do this, this is what makes humans so special, and unbelievably more creatively expressive than we are aware of. It may sound like a lot, but it is astonishingly rare that we accept what is given to us and use it to its whole advantage. My favourite one recently is creating a project with a dear person in my life. Last year, I sat down outside with someone who I took on this journey with me of change. They did and meant a great lot to me, they were and still feel as if they’re always with me, like a comforting voice in my head, and a hand to hold. I bring my paper, and a pen, and we sat in full awareness of our surroundings, and let our brains go lucid in turn to this piece of paper. There were trees, apples, stars, and birds. It was almost as if we were in it, looking at it as if it was a world only us so we’re in together. And it was, it was something special, and after all, it was our world, we created together. Creation and exploration don’t need to be limited to where you’re standing with your feet on your ground, or when you sleep at night and wait for your mind to wander to places. See if you can find those places growing within you. Treat it like a mind map, and this is just the beginning. There are endless ways to learn, and this is a stepping stone for our gravitation towards wealth, in a way that may be seen as abnormal. It just isn’t spoken about as a primary function in how we live our lives, but I strongly believe that if everyone took time to create, to explore the possibilities in our minds, the world becomes softer, and it is easier to mould. This is also a great exercise for feeling and expressing empathy. Feeling a true connection to the land, to the people you meet – or maybe you see and pass every day. It’s not just romanticism of life, it is a lifestyle change. You need to take time to learn every day, it is a practice, an exercise you need to make a mundane part of your daily life, to be able to live a life of true exploration.

Take a second to think,
What does wealth mean to you? What did it mean to you before you knew that there is so much more outside of the comfort of health, wealth and family? There is so much more than sustainable relationships, and expression through poetry, writing, art, craft, dancing or anything that passes your head. Right now, bring to your awareness. And think, for a few minutes.

How come it isn’t more known, or how come other people aren’t interested in what the mind can create and bring into your life? It can be categorised into a spiritual aspect or mindfulness, but it is so much more than that. The true life. The way life was also meant to be lived. A primitive view maybe. But it takes a certain type of person to be with us on this journey. A life lesson, everyone I’ve met so far has a similar worldview, is they went through one of the most painful lessons all life can hand to us. This is the card of ‘True Loneliness’, an individual, and not related path at all. This is what makes us special, yet part of a group wandering together. This is what makes us proud to say, I may view life differently, but that is what also makes me stronger and more unique, which is to allow myself to be vulnerable to what life has to offer. Time also has a part to play in this. A fundamental factor allows us the time to think, think, and think repeatedly about the different possibilities and ways to view things. There are simpler ways of feeling and freeing everything around you. This may be for example looking at the clouds, and learning about formations and how they happen. Then delving into how you now may view the clouds as connected to the sea, as you have not just learned that the clouds and a reflection of the sea. This already makes us view and connect things more. Now imagine if you can do this for even one more thing. A small thing, you might never have thought about before, is to change how you look outside your window first thing in the morning, to how you feel the water running down your skin. This is what makes life wonderful, and what separates us, humans, from animals. The reason I relate this to going through the path of true loneliness is that we learn these things to not feel alone and to feel connected. A great sense of connection is created when you learn about your surroundings, and when you bring full awareness into your senses and what they’re offering you. Yet it also takes practice, patience, and attention. My first set of studies into the mind and body are helped by the hand of creativity, and expression through painting. My inspiration for focusing on the mind and body connection is its complexity. So, I’ve begun art to the mindful evaluation of set experiences. Where in a set mood, lucidity is set free and gives me the availability to focus on areas of life, my examples just now being the body affecting the mind, what pain teaches us through set periods in stage, and experience affecting the quality of life. What that would look like and feel like is unique to the individual, yet to be the main points of evaluation are expressing shape, as a rigid and uncomfortable, compromised, almost better-left emotion. So far this has already taught me a multitude of things, the most impactful is the journey occurring throughout a woman’s change in the body, and my journey through disciplinary changes has taught me, a unique resilience and understanding of chronic pain over long periods have entailed, the pain is for me focused on my thighs. The journey we go through as women is rarely thought about and truly appreciated, it Is a unique and sacred thing. The change the female body goes through in our lives impacts our caring and loving nature, with a special empathetic understanding. The body being unique to everyone gives us strength, it is truly amazing just what the human body can do, and how it affects all of us. Childbearing, the body changes which come through implantation, to the responsibility of growing and developing something, to set it free in independent life, the loss, our grounding purpose with nature and strength lies in being a woman. Our resonance with nature, and life is how God intended.

My next project in this set is to attempt to add poetry into my artwork, as I can incorporate mixed media as a way of reforming an understanding. The addition of writing can help cooperate depth into an emotional understanding of my work. The real courage though, lies here, with raw truth in writing. To allow me to process and truly learn from my past downs, I hope that writing will re-enter me into more social situations, with an open conversation to breed true connection. Beginning to break down these blocks set firmly placed is going to take a lot of work, energy, and time, but to truly become my worth, this respect for myself is necessary. This is very much an introductory case. Starting here are disciplinary factors which need to happen, and understanding why and feeling the progress, helps us with encouragement, becoming one’s mediator is tough, yet possible, with great understanding and reason. The most important thing to remember here is that feeling is important. To feel our emotions and remember to stay present with our two feet on the ground, to truly feel the wind – and listen to everything around, can help us process life without putting more boundaries up and blocks which we later need to try to reform. Normally they are put there to protect themselves, or over a long period you’ve conclude that believing something different to what you feel is right and stand for is easier. Although this might be true, we’re on this rare journey of life together for one reason – and I will tell you what it is. There is a complicated thing such as not knowing the meaning of life, as there is not one. Completely individual to everyone, and it is also our god given right to choose what it is to us. But for a fact, I can surprisingly be the one to answer this complex question. And the answer may come as a surprise to some of you, but the reasoning for being placed on this earth, and given such rights and wrongs, is that the meaning of life is to fully express and be aware of our human abilities. What separated us, humans, from animals, is that we all share senses, but we have a great ability to do much more, live longer, and feel more experiencing things in a stronger sense. To be sensitive in a budding modern world is the utmost strength. And it is a tool which must be practised, without this, we build these barriers as empathetic and caring individuals.