So many couples suffer for what they complain to be a “communication problem”.
We can’t deny the importance of communication, in general it is the way in which we express our inner world to make others aware of what we are thinking, feeling, what decisions we made, etc…
The problem is that many times instead of communicating we miscommunicate and we misunderstand.
Our words don’t match our inner world, or if they do, our partners interpret them and distort the meaning.
So what is needed for effective communication to occur?
The basic ingredients are: listening and speaking, but is that enough?
What we need to relearn in order to create an effective communication is to listen and speak properly.
Many times we listen through a filter made of beliefs, resistance, defensiveness, righteousness, judgment or projections.
Listening through a filter distorts our capacity of truly understanding what the other person is trying to say.
We unconsciously manipulate the information that is given to us through thoughts and feelings that end up interpreting in very creative ways what our partner is saying.
We may also interrupt the other person speaking to say something instead of waiting and focusing on staying open and receptive while listening to what’s beyond the words.
The first step to effective communication is relearning how to listen from an open, and neutral perspective.
The second step is to learn how to convey our feelings and thoughts without projecting and blaming.
Starting a sentence with “I feel…” and “I think…” instead of “you make me feel” or “you are…” is extremely helpful in keeping the focus on ourselves and communicating from a place of personal responsibility.
The third step is becoming aware of the mood that we are speaking from or listening from.
Each person goes through high moods and low moods.
A mood is a temporary state of being that includes thoughts and feelings.
It’s like water for a fish.
We are living in it, and often times we don’t even realise it.
When we communicate from a high mood, we communicate from good thoughts and feelings and it often brings us closer and more in harmony with our partner.
When we communicate from a low mood, we risk communicating negative thoughts and feelings which could escalate into a nasty fight.
Low moods are like a cloud passing by and darkening the sky for some time.
They don’t last forever, but when they show up in our communication they cloud our perspective with negative feelings about our partner and our relationship in general.
This can bring us to extreme states of pessimism and make us create catastrophic and destructive scenarios.
Sometimes it takes an hour, other times it takes 24 hours or more to get out of a low mood.
It’s important to realise that every person has the internal capacity and resources to get themselves out of a low mood, without anyone’s help, if they have the necessary space to come back to their equilibrium.
We suggest taking time off from communicating until your mood shifts so you can approach your difficult conversations from a high mood instead of a low one.
In your time off engage in self-regulation practices like tapping, deep breathing, walking in nature, calling a trusted friend or family member, spending time with a pet, taking a hot bath, etc…
Becoming aware of your mood is a game changer in communication!
When you feel better and a new positive chemistry is releasing in your body, a new set of thoughts and feelings will emerge, completely different than when you’re in a low mood.
These thoughts are expansive, harmonising, and coming from a place of good will towards your partner.
This is the right time to engage in the conversation that was left unaddressed.
The final step to effective communication is creating a safe space to share and hear what wants to be expressed.
Always ask your partner when it’s a good time for them to talk and agree on a moment when you are not rushing or stressed from daily life.
Create a safe container and uninterrupted timeframe so that your chance to communicate successfully increases.
If you’d like some support in breaking through any communication blocks you and your partner may have you can apply for a free 60 minute Heal Your Intimacy Blocks Session through the link in our bio.
Kai & Gabriella
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