A few months ago, when my friend split with their significant other, I said, “Breakups are hard, but they give us the opportunity to reexamine our priorities, and make adjustments (without consulting someone else’s feelings) if needed. That’s pretty cool.” Which put a smile on their face and prompted the question, “Is hot mess Leah my new life coach?”

For the record, hot mess Leah is a force to be reckoned with. Once, she brought the stove but forgot the fuel on an overnight trip, and didn’t even notice until the morning because she had wine and cookies for dinner. She realized she left her helmet in the car after she started sliding down a mountain, out of control because she was testing 90’s tele boots she thrifted a few days before. She’s almost gotten arrested a few times, but has so far talked her way out of it. She’s run a class v rapid in an inner tube, raced to catch the sun rise over the grand canyon (late because she got lost), and will dance on any elevated surface.

I am a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. I like to practice “feeling it out” by not using gps and wandering around until I find my way. When there’s no preparation, you have to expect that things will inevitably go wrong, and when they do, it’s all part of the plan 🙂

This way of being in the world was comfortable to me because I grew up being drugged along from one adventure to the next by my parents. When I opened a brick and mortar, I googled a lot, assumed the rest and worked my ass off to keep it organized. When Covid hit, I stopped taking new clients, moved my practice to my home and set off to adventure as much as possible. I settled into an autopilot. Things were easy, expenses were low and life was good. Within the complacency, it was easier to slip deeper into the hot mess version of myself. No, I didn’t have renters insurance when my house was broken into and yes, I got the dates wrong when booking lodging for a retreat. I didn’t get my car serviced, or pay the phone bill, because I forgot to deposit the check, because I don’t have internet, because I chose to move to an old farm house in the wilderness, because… The barriers I created in my mind were endless and kept me paralyzed.

Looking back on these last few years, they have been incredibly difficult and uncomfortable (referring to sleeping in a tent in a snowstorm, going through a breakup and totally shifting my career). I really thought this was not my year, but after writing these letters to authentically express myself, going to therapy and gaining tools to better understand, attending a womb healing, reconnecting with a donation based yoga community and investing in a mentor who shared tools to get yourself out of survival patterns… I think this actually is my year.

It was my year to heal (thank you to everyone who was a part of the journey, reading these letters or on social media). My year to rest (resulting in dozens of prolific dreams that helped me make sense of the life I was actively choosing). My year to stop accepting less than I deserve, to come home to myself and to step into my power.

This was also my year to come face to face with the mind altering realization that I am not a confident person. I was shocked. If you know me, you probably know that I have a strut when I walk, I hold my head high and respond to every compliment with, “I already know”. I thought this all added up to a confident person, not a trauma response (apparently I was way off base). I do things all the time that require confidence, such as start a business, S1 myself down the Upper Yough, star in a movie with very little acting experience, pitch myself for a job I’ve never done and get it. I’ve been surviving with “fake it till you make it” energy and faking it no longer works. I want more in life, and so I need to reach for more. I need to develop actual confidence in myself; a trust in my abilities and faith that it will all work out. I’m so freaking excited to bring you along on this journey. Last year was all about exploring the ways out of survival mode, this year is about exploring true confidence.