You came into my life without a warning. Falling in love with you was so easy. I’ve seen you before, I guess you’ve seen me too. This time it was different, I fell for those blue eyes, your not caring attitude, the confidence that I lacked. You looked at me and I felt beautiful for the first time. You talked to me, hold my hand and guided me into your life. I couldn’t believe that a guy like you liked a girl like me, you made me feel so special.

The messages, the songs, the visits in a foreign country, the feeling like the world was ours, everything made me fall in love with you. So I gave you everything I had. I was sensitive, shy and insecure, you knew that. I gave you all I had while you kept me with the bare minimum. Honestly it was enough for a while, I loved who I was with you. It was not easy to keep up. I had to drink more, party more, risk everything. I thought it was worth it. You had expectations I was used to pleasing not matter what. I was there at all times, now I know all I was doing was losing myself, and you took advantage of that. You knew what and when to give me, to keep me begging for a love you never intended to give me.

As time went by I got to know you better, sometimes I pretended I didn’t notice but of course I did. You didn’t like that, you grew distant more and more. You insulted me, made me feel small, stupid, like I depended on you. The truth is I was smarter than you, but you were meaner. The sad part was that I believed everything you said, believed that was what I deserved. The violence became more frequent. Our time together turned into a nightmare, the only worst thing was not being with you and not knowing where we stood. I lived in that cage for years. Trying to please you, convince you, maybe myself that I was worthy of your love. And you, you didn’t care, you liked having me there. Torturing me with silence, insults, shouts, jealousy, control and violence. I knew that besides all that you were cheating on me. But I didn’t want to believe that thought, so I pretended.

You sucked the life out of me. The happy girl that I used to be was long gone. Instead a quiet, small corpse looked back at me from the mirror. But I couldn’t leave you, that seemed worts than this torture I was putting myself into.

But one day I had a spark, after days of crying, that in truth it had been years, that spark made me feel my heart, and I felt all the pain that you have giving me without a care. I know you suffer, I know the cool, confident guy is just and act, I see your pain, not only that, when you gave it to me I took it. It has taken me years to realize that pain was yours and not mine. I prayed that night, I don’t pray that often to be honest, but that night I prayed for courage, courage to leave you. The next morning I woke up hang over from the crying and the misery, like so many times before. I looked in the mirror still feeling that spark and promised myself I would never let anyone make me feel that way again.

Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I’ve ve ever had to do. I was so deep in, that the thought that I was out took a long time. And you made it so hard, you wouldn’t let me go. Now I know it was probably hard for you too. You are a deeply hurt being that destroys everything he touches. How would I know. The next few months were the worst, the drunken calls, insults, the begging and the tears. The last thing you said to me was to not come begging you when no one else wanted me. I believed that, like I believed everything you said to me. For years after, I didn’t believed anyone was going to love me. The guys that I dated after were a similar less intense version of you. They didn’t take me seriously, made me feel small again, like I was an object, not good enough to be with me for real. Getting rid of your shadow was hard. But today I can say that I did it. I can genuinely say good bye. To you. To the dark feeling of you. Of guys like you. But specially to the part of myself that believed she didn’t deserve love.