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September 7, 2023

I Wasn’t Sorry, But I am Now.

Melissa, I’m sorry for both of us.

We have the same first name. We even have the same last name. We loved the same man. That’s where our similarities end.

Brian was like sunshine on a rainy day. His personality just lit up the world. That’s what drew me to him. His positivity. The way he spoke. The way he lifted others up. I had never met anyone quite as vibrant as him.

When he told me that you and I had the same name, I was floored. What are the odds of knowing someone who has your exact same name?

Your dog Riley was his world. Brian was the best dog-dad, so when she got sick, he was overcome with worry. After all, that was his baby. I remember how sad he was when he tweeted about taking Riley to the vet, and I wanted to reach out to him. I sent him a direct message to let him know that he was in my thoughts. That’s how it all started.

We had so much in common. We talked about tv shows and movies. We talked about music. We talked about family. We talked about work. At one time, we had both been employed at the same company. Him in New York and I in Chicago. The conversation flowed effortlessly from the very beginning.

We exchanged numbers and started texting one another. We had become quick friends. It was uncanny how easily we got along. It was so refreshing to talk to someone as witty and smart and charming as him.

I could not have imagined that as the days, weeks and months flew by that I would fall in love with him. But I did. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t hope for it. It just…happened.

He was not mine to love, but I loved him anyways.

I know that it was selfish of me to love him. It was also selfish of me to accept love from him. I knew that you guys were having trouble. We spent hours talking about it. He confided in me. He told me things that nobody else knew. We were each other’s best friend. Never once did I feel guilt or shame about what we were doing. He was bringing so much light into my life. All I knew was that I needed that light, and I didn’t want it to stop.

He made me feel like I was important, like I mattered. He told me that I had a unique way of connecting with people. That I was special and one-of-a-kind and that he had never met anyone like me. All of the things that someone longs to hear are the things he told me.

Had I been in a better place emotionally and mentally, our relationship would not have progressed the way it did. It was naive of me to accept his love and expect it to be true. It was ridiculous of me to believe him when he told me that he had never loved anyone as much as he loved me.

But it was only words. And words without action mean nothing. We never met in person and it’s better that we didn’t.

Although I wasn’t sorry while it was happening, I am sorry now. It wasn’t my place to love your husband.

The way he ended things with me was cruel and malicious. Maybe I deserved that and maybe I didn’t. But it showed me that he didn’t really care about me. Because when you love someone, you don’t hurt them intentionally.

I did take his advice and used my words to better connect with people and shared my life and experiences. He taught me that I should never accept less than I deserve. He taught me how to believe in myself. He taught me how to be brave. I’m grateful for those lessons and I carry them with me today.

For the rest, I am sorry.

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