My mother died. November 17,2023. My life will never be the same, but perhaps that is a good thing. My mother was a light in this world. She loved everyone and never met a stranger. She had an open heart, was present when she was with you, and loved to dance. She was loved beyond measure, but now how do I move through this grief? She was the only parent I had, and now she is gone.

Perhaps, she is gone from this earth, but she is always with me. I am from her DNA. I am connected to her and I do look like her twin. I am in introvert by nature, but now, as I move through this grief I realized I have shrunk in size to the size of a pea in this life. I am not a light to anyone. I am sitting alone in my darkness and I can hear my mom saying,” I taught you better”. She would want me helping the world. Showing kindness, sharing what I have.

She was not rich in the money sense, but she was rich in love. She had friends since elementary school that she was still best friends with. She kept in contact with neighbors for whom I used to babysit. She was rich in friends, wealthy in people who cared for her, and loved everyone.

I am a loner. I like my quiet, my peace, my darkness. I am a vampire by nature and love the darkness instead of the light. Maybe that is ok that we have differences too. We are two different people. Sorry we were, she died, did I mention that. Her loss is felt by her church, her family and her friends. I wonder who would come to my funeral. When people approach me I dip and dodge. I hide. I rather not interact. I was abused as a child and think that is why I shrink and hide.

My mom was a warrior. She survived so much. She had cancer twice and was given six months to live some twenty plus years ago. She battled up until the end. At the end she just said the good lord will take me when he is ready. My sister was with her when she died.

My mom did not want us boo-hooing! She wanted a party when she passed away and we honored that with streamers, balloons and music. We had a party. We had great food, shared great memories and talked to family we hadn’t seen in ages. It was a reunion because of mom. Not a surprise even in her death she brought us all together.

I stayed at my sisters for another week after mom passed. We had a catholic mass for her that next weekend. We were all boo-hooing then. My brother, God bless him, knew my sister and I were barely keeping it together and as they rolled the casket down the aisle in the catholic church she worshipped in, my brother whispered, ” I wonder if a coffin ever rolled away from then” and I had to laugh. Leave it to my sweet brother to get me and my sister to chuckle. We think mom would have loved that comment.

There is a saying that Grief is a thief in the night. Until recently I did not know that now sleeping is a sign of grief. I have not slept an entire night since she died. I would wake and wonder the house in the darkness, (again I am a vampire) and I would whisper to her to not wake anyone and I would have a good cry with her. I believe she is still with all three of her kids. She may not be physically here, but I know in how I treat others, she is with me. I was raised to show kindness, even to those I though didn’t deserve my kindness.

My mom did not have an easy life. She struggled with us three kids. She struggled with the divorce and what to do next. She never let us see it, but we knew. She is a great loss to our family and truly an amazing blessing. I hope I am sleeping again soon. She has only been gone about a month. Sometimes it is a struggle to breath and I have to take a mental health day, but sometimes I can hear her say she is proud of me. I am now the head of the family and she handed over the torch. Lord help my siblings.

I pray I make her proud. I pray I stay as close to my siblings as I am right now. We have bonded even closer with the loss of our mother. We plan on taking a trip together to commemorate the one year anniversary of her death next year. Life had its grief and its loss, but honestly family or not, all we have is each other. Show kindness, be bold in your showing of love and remember those who pass before us are never gone, they are always in our hearts.