Reflections on my 54th birthday: Loss, Grief, Home, Identity, Gratitude, Faith, Acceptance, Surrender, Truth

I just turned 54! What a year 53 has been! The upheaval and overwhelming grief that this year brought with it has crushed me on so many levels, and led me into the abyss of my deepest, darkest shadows. I could have never imagined that my heart could shatter into so many pieces, and still have the capacity to continue beating! Yet, in the midst of the most intense and prolonged melancholy I’ve ever experienced, these past 12 months have also shown me a side of myself I had completely lost sight of: who I truly am, what I’m made of and capable of, what and who I value, what’s important to me, and what it means to live in my truth!!! My truth: a concept I have seemingly suppressed and ignored over the years, but one that has been highlighted and amplified, even on a global and collective scale, by the brutal genocide being witnessed worldwide which is revealing the truth of humanity!

You see, I am a Palestinian woman, living in the diaspora like millions of others.  53 started for me with the death of my beautiful Palestinian ‘warrior’ aunt, who passed away from Alzheimers in January. She was the epitome and the example of what it means to be a strong, proud, and resilient Palestinian woman. Born the same year of the Nakba, the ‘catastrophe’ of 1948 when over 700,000 Palestinians were forcibly displaced from their homes, when asked her age, her reply was always “I’m as old as my cause!”.  It was she who instilled the undying love for Palestine and our strong sense of identity and belonging in our veins!  I have been living and feeling her, and our collective, pain every day, now for over 100 days! Had she still been with us today, I imagine her agony in witnessing the horrific atrocities playing out, but also her pride in seeing the sheer dignity, strength, resilience, faith, community, generosity, and most importantly, undying and unwavering love for Palestine, that our people are showing the world. And, for the first time in our history, the world at large is starting to see and acknowledge this truth, not our truth, but the truth!

This year also brought about the excruciating yet inevitable demise of what I now can see was a superficial, narcissistic, dysfunctional 10 year relationship that I had invested my very soul into. Having fallen deeply in love with this man who I saw as the most beautiful and liberated ‘free spirit’, as different as possible to any other man and relationship I’d ever been in, I completely lost myself in his idea of ‘freedom’ and his concept of relationship. His fear of real emotional intimacy and true commitment, his extreme gaslighting, and spiritual bypassing,  triggered every trauma response I didn’t even know I had at the time- fear of abandonment, low self-worth and self-esteem, insecurity, shame, guilt, etc. I became unrecognizable even to myself. Somewhere along the line, I had abandoned every part of myself to accommodate and integrate his perspective, values, and even shortcomings. So we eventually made it official and split up, but the sadness, disappointment, anger, and resentment, were all-consuming.  It has taken the better part of this year, and actually a few years before that if I’m being very honest, to process and accept the truth for what it is.  It was time to let go, move on, and re-discover myself all over again. After having relocated to Europe together, the break up found me back where we started, in Dubai, alone, with no job, no money, no home, and no sense of self! Definitely not where I expected to find myself at this stage of my life!

In the midst of this turbulence, I was thrown a loving, albeit surprising, lifeline from none other than my ex-husband, who so generously offered me his home until I got back on my feet, an invitation that I gratefully, but also quite reservedly, accepted, finding myself back in an awkward dynamic I had left 13 years ago. It was on my 5th day of staying with him that I came home in the afternoon to find he hadn’t left the house and his bedroom door was closed, which was unusual. I knocked a couple times but got no answer, so I gently opened the door, only to find him dead in his bed! He had died of a heart attack in his sleep the night before! WTF was that? The next few days and weeks are a blur. Coming to terms with and trying to accept this shocking and completely unexpected turn of events was devastating to say the least. I have since learned to appreciate life’s preciousness and fragility.  We had spent his last few days together in a warm, friendly, and caring space, and I understood the wisdom and blessing of the universe in sending me to him at that particular time so that he would not die alone. And just as the dust began to settle a little bit, and I could catch my breath and get some semblance of sleep, the horrific war on Palestine started, literally three weeks later.

The grief, now multiplied and magnified, has been gut-wrenching and earth-shattering! What was the lesson I was meant to gain from all this pain and trauma, or was there one at all? I spent this entire year learning to accept, digest, process, sit with, and surrender to all of these emotions. We all know that the only way out is through, no? You have to feel it to heal it, right? And boy did/am I feeling it! I’ve not only embodied and befriended the grief but also felt it make a home for itself in every cell in my body. I’ve been forced to face some of my darkest demons and shadows head on (lack of stability, security, safety, money, fear of abandonment, unworthiness, and more), only to have all of them amplified by the very real intergenerational, collective, and cultural trauma of being a Palestinian, that has always lived in my DNA,  coursing through my veins, but which has now taken center stage in my day to day life, with all the truths that it carries with it.

Having left behind the house that my partner and I had built together, and forced to re-build my life over from ground zero, I haven’t had a stable ‘home’ of my own for the whole year, feeling a sense of forced displacement akin to that of my ancestors. I have stayed in 10 different homes, thanks to the love, support, and generosity of all my friends, the unexpected angels in my life who showed up, carried me, and have been my rocks, when I felt abandoned, afraid, and alone! Ironically, the people whom I would have expected to be there for me were nowhere to be found, another hard truth I am still digesting and trying to process, again similar to the sense of abandonment by the world’s leaders, felt by all Palestinians around the world. On a particularly heavy day, when I was a shattered, bawling, crumbled mess on the floor, lamenting the fact that ‘I don’t even have a home of my own and I feel so alone’, it was my brother who lovingly reminded me, ‘You don’t have a home, you have homes!!!’  Perspective! Abundance! Gratitude! At least I have had a safe roof over my head, food to eat, electricity to live, and a home in so many hearts, when I have needed it most. During this harrowing time, as I witness my fellow Palestinian brothers and sisters in Gaza experiencing the most devastating existential crisis, watching their homes being demolished and wiped out before their very eyes, I am reminded of that perspective.  My ‘issues’ pale in comparison. I bow down in gratitude!

Through the heartbreak and pain. the lessons and themes that have magically and mystically revealed themselves this year, have been powerful and life-altering, and all strongly validated, by the events happening in Palestine.

Counting my blessings:

• Home: That sense of belonging somewhere. That sense of feeling safe, stable, secure, a feeling Palestinians have not felt in over 75 years! Watching the thousands of innocent people who are losing their homes (and their lives), has confirmed how blessed I am to have the safety, security, and love in my life that has kept me safe, alive, and still standing! This support has been my saving grace! However, what I have learned from witnessing the catastrophe unfolding in Palestine is that I come from a long and powerful lineage of warriors, who refuse to back down or to crumble; to give up their fight for survival, justice, and freedom, even in the midst of devastation and the threat of annihilation! And their faith, strength, resilience, acceptance, and surrender to the will of God/Universe/Source has reinforced my own, and cemented my own faith that the universe has a much bigger plan for me and for us all collectively.  I/we will not be defeated, and that truth and justice will prevail!

• Truth: Palestine is showing the world the truth! It is no longer acceptable for anyone to turn away from or deny the truth, in the name of ‘It’s not my issue’, or ‘pseudo-spiritual ‘Love and Light’, and ‘Om Shanti’! It is no longer acceptable that you are on the fence and can’t or won’t take a stand. It is not OK that because you are too weak or spineless to face your own shadows and darkness, that you cannot show up and have empathy for my suffering and humanity’s. If you don’t have the capacity or even the willingness to hold space for me in my pain and despair, you do not deserve to share in my happiness, when it’s easier, less demanding, and more convenient for you!  I have chosen to let a lot of people go, as it is clear that we are no longer aligned with my/the world’s truth, if we ever really were.  I admit, it’s been a very lonely exercise! For what I have learned is that without facing one’s truth, acknowledging and accepting that without the darkness there can be no true light, you are living a disconnected and privileged lie!  I have no more room for lies, or for you in my life.

• Love:  Oooooooof! I now know what true love really is, and not the romanticized version many of us hold on to for dear life. True love shows up as a genuine and caring message saying ‘I’m thinking about you’, ‘You are not alone’, or even “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here’.  I now know that true love holds you, carries you, sits with you in silence, holds your hand, gives you a hug, and allows you be your most broken, ugliest, messiest, self, without judgment or attempts to ‘fix’ you.  I now know that true love holds you with so much empathy, sensitivity, selflessness, compassion, and understanding.  I now know that true love is that which is there when the party ends, and the happy time is over, and the reality kicks in.  I now know that true love comes in many forms- true friends who appear like angels, unexpectedly, to cushion your fall; the outpouring of collective love, empathy, and compassion for humanity; the shared pain and agony in witnessing fellow humans face their most tragic personal and collective suffering possible. Yes love is all that, and I now know that if it is not true love, I don’t want it! I have learned that I am so privileged and blessed to have in my life all the human and divine love that I do.   And to all my Palestinian and non-Palestinian brothers and sisters around the world, I thank you and love you all.

• Family: Without the unconditional support of my family, biological and chosen, this year had the power and potential to break me.  Without the unconditional home I have in their hearts, I’m not sure where I would be today.  To my beloved Palestinians who are losing their loved ones and families by the dozens, know that we are all your family as you are ours.  We stand behind you, support you, carry you in our hearts and actions, and will fight until our last breath to ensure you live to see the end of this chapter and stand tall in all that you are and have accomplished.  Bless you all!  You are loved!

• Freedom:  Such an elusive concept to most, if not all, Palestinians, and actually minorities everywhere: The ability to live, with inalienable and equal rights as any other person in the world; the ability to choose, without restraint; the flexibility and ease to be able to go and make a life for yourself anywhere you want, without the shackles of governmental systems and oppressive racist regimes that deem your freedom null and void; the ability to speak the truth, and be allowed a voice! For all of you reading this, take a moment to contemplate what you may be taking for granted in your life, when so many of us, do not have anywhere near that luxury!  

To everyone who reached out with birthday wishes, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and am humbled to receive your generosity.  It feels strange to receive ‘Happy’ birthday messages since, as you have just read, it is not a ‘happy’ time right now.  However, I am grateful to the sacred grief and rage of 2023 to have brought me to this place.  I start my 54th rotation around the sun, from a place of deep inner, experiential, wisdom, acceptance, centeredness, forgiveness, authenticity, courage, strength, resilience, and of course truth!  I feel so blessed to have lived to this beautiful age, when we have lost thousands who haven’t even made it to their 1st birthday!!!  

Beloved and Sacred Palestine, you have taught me so much!  I bow to you in reverence, respect, and love.  Know that we will continue to fight for you with every fiber of our being.  Thank you for being our TRUE beacon of light, even in your darkest hour!

‘Happy’ 54 to me!