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Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), created a treatment modality for people living with suicidal ideation and other self-destructive behaviors.

In her memoir, Building a Life Worth Living, she details some of the steps that led to this breakthrough.

For context, Linehan created a modality that she would have needed as “one of the most disturbed patients in the hospital” when she spent two years of her life as a young adult institutionalized, much of which was in seclusion.

After recovering from her own “totally unexpected complete and devastating breakdown” as a young person she “made a promise to God, a vow, that…she would find a way to get others out of hell, too.” DBT is the treatment modality that resulted from that vow in order to help people create lives worth living, vis-à-vis a set of skills.

While many of us will not have the same severity of behaviors, we can all undoubtedly find solace and benefit from her words.

Below are some quotes from Linehan’s memoir to help keep us going when life has got us down:

Linehan discusses her own years of loneliness and difficulty fitting in at home but, like she tells her clients, “If you’re a tulip, don’t try to be a rose. Go find a tulip garden.” Find a validating environment that appreciates your authentic self.

Still, even the most confident person can be led to doubt themselves. For those moments, remember to, “Believe, whether you believe or not…You can do it.”

When we’re depressed or struggling, it can be difficult to view the world with a sense of optimism and hope; we may not feel like doing much at all, let alone believing in ourselves and our ability to create a life worth living. As they say in the 12 steps, bring the body and the mind will follow.

Or, as Linehan put it, “You can’t think yourself into new ways of acting; you can only act yourself into new ways of thinking.” Take action and the motivation will follow.

But what is a life worth living? How do we get there when we are experiencing deep pain and suffering? “If you want to get out of hell, you have to get through the fire to the other side.”

Additionally,  “A common element of all the DBT skills…is the determination to be effective in whatever it is you are doing. Being effective is the key to success, in all walks of life.” Despair or giving up are simply not effective. We must keep going and do what any given moment requires of us so that when we wake up in the morning “there are sufficient positive things…that you want to get out of bed and experience them.”

What gets in the way of doing what needs to be done to create the lives we want? We say we want to stop drinking or impulsive shopping only to be led down that road again. Well, as Linehan says, “The opposite of willingness is willfulness. With willfulness, the focus is on controlling reality, it is ‘my way or the highway.’ It is a battle with reality…willfulness is doing the opposite of what is needed.” Whereas, “Willingness is about opening yourself to what is. It is about becoming one with the universe, participating in it, doing what is needed in the moment.”

However, DBT isn’t about extremes. In fact, the name is based on the word dialectics, which allows for two opposites to coexist. We may want to do better and we struggle to change. We can commit to a new action and fall off the wagon. At all times, DBT therapy is balancing a set of dialectics one of which is the dance between acceptance and change.

And the first step to change is acceptance: “Radical acceptance is accepting all the way, with your mind, your heart, and your body—accepting something from the depths of your soul, opening yourself to fully experiencing reality as it is in this moment.”

Sounds esoteric? Linehan was a Zen master, which heavily influenced DBT.

Within these skills, there is something for everyone to benefit from, and the vast array of skills cannot fit into one post.

How might Marsha Linehan decide to leave you, my dear reader? She might say, “If I can do it, you can do it.”

Wishing you skillful means.

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