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Look, most of us don’t enjoy fighting with our partner.

We don’t routinely wake up in the morning and think, “Wow, you know what would make this day better? How about some conflict and chaos and hurt feelings with a side of being pissed off for the next few hours.”

Not exactly how most of us want to start or end our day.

But when it comes to relationships, conflict is inevitable. There’s no way to be in intimate partnership with someone, sharing our lives and our space and ourselves with each other, and not have moments where we disagree or find ourselves on opposite sides of an issue.

To be honest, if a couple claims to never fight, I either assume they’re lying or make a mental note to never take relationship advice from them.

But what’s more important than whether we fight (and in my opinion, we should be, at least to some degree) is how we fight.

In order to fight mindfully, in a way that doesn’t permanently damage the relationship or our self-esteem, we need to set up some basic boundaries. A way to disagree that gives us the space to respect our own feelings without disrespecting our partner.

Here are five rules for fighting fair from psychologist Jasneet Kaur:

 

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1. “Be mad at me, but don’t insult me. Anger is not a ticket to speak carelessly.” It’s so easy when we’re angry or frustrated to say all the things we know will hurt the other person. To allow the anger to take over and use it as an excuse to be mean, just because we feel we can. But we have to remember that what we say in the moment can and will last long after the argument is over. And there are some things we say that we can’t come back from.

2. “Be mad at me, but tell me why you’re mad. Don’t assume I know.” Loving someone doesn’t mean we can read their minds, or that they can read ours. Our feelings are valid but they’re not written on our foreheads for our partner to see, so we need to communicate. Be honest and clear. Write a letter if that helps you. But don’t expect your partner to just know.

3. “Be mad at me, but don’t broadcast it to others. Cover me.” I agree with this—but up to a point. Not every fight we have with our partner is worth sharing; some fights will be over in a matter of minutes while others are about something so ridiculous that we can’t even believe we let it get that far. But other arguments are more serious, or leave us feeling like we need advice or support from someone outside our dynamic. While I don’t think we should be running to our friends or family or even our therapist with every fight that pops up in our relationship, I do see the benefit in sharing our struggles with those who can listen and offer up helpful solutions, while respecting our partnership.

4. “Be mad at me, but don’t forget the many good things about me.” One of my favorite pieces of relationship advice is to remember that it should be you and your partner versus the issue, not you versus your partner. We chose this person for a million different reasons, and we shouldn’t let a disagreement blind us to our partner’s positive traits.

5. “Be mad at me, but also remember the many other times I’ve forgiven you.” No one is perfect. We have all made mistakes or hurt someone, by accident or on purpose, more times than we probably care to remember. But when we’re fighting with our partner, we need to remember the times we have been to blame for the chaos in our relationship and how our partner has chosen to see the best in us, given us the benefit of the doubt, and ultimately, forgiven us. This ability to repair after a fight is a huge indication of whether our partnership can, and should, last.

What rules have you and your partner created to fight fair? Share them in the comments!

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