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The Horses Are Coming So You Better Run

My friend just broke up with her fiancé and is reliving the past year and feeling all the emotions that come with a break-up.  My heart breaks for them and I reflect on my last relationship.

Flashback memories flood and I watch myself run on the treadmill listening to Florence and the Machine sing “The horses are coming and you better run…” My heart was beating faster back then and not just from the cardio and cortisol rushes. I heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse coming. The gallop of the horses in the distance echoed in my ears and my heart.

The horses were coming and this signaled the end of my relationship.

Fast forward several years later and I would learn more about these horsemen and why they meant the end of a relationship or at least leading up to the demise. For the record, I have always been a runner and not for the sport. I have been the one to pack it in and flee, avoidant of conflict and very much a participant in stonewalling and shutting down.

I know I played my part in bringing on the horsemen.

Dr. John Gottman, the expert and researcher in relationships, explains that four elements can lead to our relationship ending and these are: Criticism, Contempt, Stonwalling, and Defensiveness. If we don’t learn how to face and resolve these issues, our relationships are doomed—because you can’t outrun the horsemen.

 

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Listening to my friend share and cry, wondering why things went from planning their wedding to a final goodbye text, made my heart pound. I heard the gallop faintly in the distance. Conflict-avoidant folks will understand that the runner is activated and flight and flight makes us want to run to find safety. In this state, one is often flooded and not thinking straight. After much personal work, I know that my “stonewalling” isn’t limited to romantic relationships.

Having this insight means that I can work on this in all of my relationships. The walls we build are meant to be protective, and this is the opening and closing of our hearts. In other words, we can distance and fool ourselves into believing a story that we create, thinking that we are the ones that know better and that we are protecting our fragile hearts.

What do we do when we find ourselves flooded emotionally? Self-soothing is one tool and being clear about how we are feeling and taking a break is another. When our partner is in a mood to confront and fix, and we are in panic-mode, this might be the best option. We can come back to communicate when we are grounded.

All relationships take work, and educating, and learning about our own defense mechanisms can help us improve our relationships. If you are in or out of a relationship, know that you are a unique gift for this world and we are all evolving. Relationships help this evolution. Love is what matters in the end but often it isn’t enough to save a relationship. Communication on the other hand might save you and your loved one some heartache and tears.

Living authentically and loving with an open heart takes work and one needs to have a brave heart.

Be kind to yourself and check out the Gottman Institute.

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