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“The dog days are over. The dog days are done. Can you hear the horses? ‘Cause here they come.” ~ Florence and the Machine

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You’re going about a pleasant workday focused on your work tasks with minimal banter, banging out high-quality procedures and addressing hiccups, when a coworker, or even your boss, suddenly fires an unexpected microaggression at you. Perhaps, even with an audience (ugh!).

Your knee-jerk response is pure shock. After the initial shock fades, your brain registers the out-of-line insult as does your limbic system simultaneously, which cues a stress response: your face gets hot, your heart rate increases, your adrenals are pumping out the stress hormone cortisol as you begin to sweat.

Your thought process gets cloudy—because the emotional response you’re having just jumped into the driver seat and temporarily booted out your conscious that knows calm and reason. You may even feel like running away and crying as you try to recollect what your real-time response actually was—a fake smile to save face? Nothing? Did you just take a slimy bullet and walk away without defending yourself because you were too stunned for the witty part of your brain to fire? I remember one time I was too surprised to speak and just stood there quietly with my jaw hanging open.

I think we have all been here. 

So let’s all hold hands and acknowledge how human the burn of a smackdown is, followed by shame, which makes us feel reduced and spiritually injured. I remember in my youth, I would have a hurt, angry response with explosive pride. I know a lot of 20-somethings (me included) skip right past the “let’s address this slight” phase and blaze right into “Can I quit my job right now?” and “I need to update my resume tonight!”

I’ve handled these malicious transactions at work differently in every decade of my career. In my 20s, I would not defend myself and I’d go cry in private and vent to my loved ones. In my late 20s, I would get instantly angry, snapping back and immediately bite the head off of whoever attacked me. This was improvement because I was finally defending myself, but it was emotional and aggressive instead of calm assertion. It did halt bullying and exploitation, though, and throw me some apologies.

I remember I once got so irritated that I asked my snotty coworker who always left a mountain of T-shirts for me to fold if her arms were broken? She got pissed off but immediately started folding. You must learn to defend yourself. 

In my 30s, I would take a breather and come back and address the bad behavior calmly and mindfully with some badass, stern assertiveness when needed, even if my voice was shaking, because I was frustrated with harassing behavior that wouldn’t stop.

I learned at one job that even when you report harassment to management, it might not change anything because the firm “no” has to come from you. If I was at maximum upset, however, I would cry at work or let my emotions breathe in front of everyone because I was fed up with saving face and I actually wanted them to see how upset they had made me, and let it register. Yes, not professional, but women have had to swallow so much career abuse and act unaffected that we’re exhausted post-me-too-movement, and some of us have hit a threshold.

As you can see, I’ve been all over the freaking behavior map during my career, but the growth tracks. I tell you this because I want you to know that I understand and I can relate to whatever bullsh*t you’re currently dealing with at your job, and however you’re handling it, I truly understand. In my 40s, entering my F*ckgirl Era, nobody insults or wrongs me and gets away with it…and I have acquired an assertive grace by now.

Before I tell you how I’ve handled some work bullies in my 40s, let’s revisit my Six F*ckgirl Basics and discuss how you may apply them at your job as a strategy that both wins and protects you.

Six F*ckgirl Basics

1. Purposely Choose a Real Vibe.

2. Be an Energy Snob.

3. Stop Getting Excited About Nothing.

4. Immediately Drop All F*ckboys (or at least match energy with them).

5. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Good.

6. Flirt. A lot.

A F*ckgirl is an adult. She was a girl who has been through some sh*t and has learned. This means she’s above trendy vibes and has carved out an unshakeable, impenetrable, mature persona. She has a real vibe. And an authentic vibe. This makes her approachable, relatable, and engaging.

The work place is enmeshed with people from every background; this means whatever silly or covert vibes that fly with your besties may not fly at your job. If you haven’t leveled up to mature, in control Boss Babe yet, you’re not going to be taken seriously until you do. Don’t be an echo chamber of the status quo, be yourself—the most real version of yourself that says you’re confident and ethical, able to handle whatever flavor of f*ckery the day is going to throw at you. Because it’s going to throw you the whole rainbow. Be ready. Take classes; read books and articles if you don’t feel ready. A F*ckgirl never stops being well-informed and educating herself.

Being an Energy Snob at work can be a good thing. It means being discerning and keeping yourself out of energies you don’t wanna be tangling with. In dating, this means focusing on yourself instead of chasing men. At work, it means focusing on your work and not indulging in office gossip or chasing the office cutie; if he likes you, he’ll come to you—but I would not suggest dating a coworker until one of you has a different job.

Being an energy snob also helps you get taken seriously because you don’t drop your focus for everyone and anyone—you’re discerning. In fact, my own philosophy has helped me in my most prestigious jobs. I’ve worked in spaces where I was surrounded by floors of politicians and lawyers. I kept my head down, smiled politely, and only opened up to chat when others approached me first—then I was my gregarious self but not overly friendly. When I met the Governor in a stairwell, it was because he spoke to me first and cracked a joke about what I was carrying and I bantered back enough to have a laugh with him, but I didn’t delay him and he had a great visit at our company. Keep your energy reigned in and your coworkers will learn your boundaries.

The workplace hiring process can be a notorious place for dangling the cheese….sort of like all the lip service and love bombing some men will do at the beginning. At some point, you may hear if you do A then B can happen, and it’s super tempting to get excited about this because you not only want B, you usually need B. Do not show the enthusiasm one might, as if B already happened. In fact, ask questions about it, propose a deadline, and if you’re able to, get it in writing. Lead with the energy that emits you’re not a fool who can be played but not in a street way—in a professional demeanor so that you’re taken seriously. You have to get to know an employer the same way it takes time to get to know a man. Do they have any integrity or do they shine people on? Pay attention to how they treat their clients; they’ll treat you the same. Find out before getting invested so you’re not a sad girl later.

A f*ckboy in the work place translates to a job or boss not respecting you, trying to take advantage of you, and not meeting your needs while they demand you meet theirs. One of your main roles in your job that most bosses won’t tell you is to not cling to your job for dear life. As a green paralegal, I was prey to anyone who wanted to try to take advantage of me: being inexperienced, they didn’t have to pay me the way they paid senior paralegals and they could offer me any days and hours they wanted because I was greatly in need of building my legal resume.

I remember landing a part-time job that dangled a full-time job down the road to me in the interview. They wanted access to me three days a week but would not maximize me for an eight hour work day (in the most expensive city in my state). Right off the bat, this employer didn’t care about matching the cost of living with the position, so they were already “me centered” right away. It was economically killing me.

Now, an obedient good girl who doesn’t want to make waves would just make the best of it and take the three, shorter days and maybe look for something to fill the other two days, but not an ambitious F*ckgirl. I kept my options open and kept interviewing while working the three-day work week I didn’t like. I quickly landed an amazing opportunity, a government law contract that paid me more, and I could pick my days. So I gave the other job only two days of availability a week and gave my new contract job three days of availability for an eight hour day. I excelled in the position; in fact they extended my contract, which did not make my other employer happy; see how they’re only happy when they can take advantage of you?

Working both jobs gave me my desired 40-hour work week with excellent pay. When I finished the contract, they had utilized my skills well for their needs and also gave me a glowing review, saying I exceeded expectations. I shared the wonderful review with my other employer, who tried to belittle and diminish my work and me. This was insightful to me, so later I wasn’t shocked when it came time for my first annual review and they didn’t even bother to do it or offer me that full-time position they dangled in the interview, despite the fact that that I did so much work at this firm that I cleared a full table stacked with files that needed action on them.

I worked my butt off with no reward, so I left. And you know what? That firm didn’t lose an employee; they lost talent. A F*ckgirl never stays where she isn’t valued or appreciated, but a timid and obedient good girl does, often out of fear, and lives to regret it. Keeping my options open, also showed me a stark contrast of professionalism between the two law firms so that really informed and shaped my work standards moving forward.

Work is work, but that doesn’t mean we’re supposed to feel miserable because we’re at work. In fact, we’ve bought into the mood fallacy pushed by the status quo, that I’m happy when I’m on my own time and I’m unhappy—even miserable—when I’m on other people’s time. In reality, it is all your time because you have rights and agency—nobody can treat you however they want, or dictate your mood for that matter…just because you’re at work.

By this logic, you are your own boss and HR works for you. I know the hip thing to say is: HR works for the company, don’t trust them, but that company is beholden to federal and state laws. The last thing the company wants is a situation escalating or laws being broken because that brings costly lawsuits. You can familiarize yourself with laws and your rights on the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) website if you need assistance understanding law and legal ethics. I myself have communicated with HR and the EEOC many times to get my questions answered or to enforce needed boundaries, as the general public I have to work with have not all benefited from an Employment Law class and may begin running the workplace however they want (a huge unethical and illegal work practice). When everyone gripes about mandatory trainings, this is an opportunity to build your “Mental Armor,” as former Secret Service Agent, Evy Poumpouras calls it.

Being informed is power, and when you have power, you can protect yourself, and that should help put you in a fantastic mood because, in a way, it’s security. Remember when I said in my early F*ckgirl articles that a F*ckgirl doesn’t let a man dictate her mood? Neither should your job or boss or coworker. You decide your mood; nobody else should have that kind of control over you.

You should feel good at home, feel good on a date, and feel good at work. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is an unalienable right penned by Thomas Jefferson, who was obviously a F*ckgirl Advocate, if he declared in the Declaration of Independence that we (not just men) should be protected from work f*ckboys and toxic f*ckery that want to control, exploit, and oppress us. TJ said, in 18th century jargon: F*ck no, be independent and happy; it is your right babe. Never be timid about asking for or going after what makes you happy—or putting yourself and your career needs first.

The last f*ckgirl basic is to flirt. A lot. Flirting at work is called playful banter and camaraderie, that stays ethical. Nobody enjoys being around a sad, bitter, moody worker who can’t have a lighthearted exchange. I honed this skill so hard that I was made a Customer Service Manager in my first month on one of my jobs. My other managers got into the habit of passing the angriest customers over to me for the “Disney Princess Treatment.” I would listen, empathize, never rushed, giving plenty of time, and found the best solution possible. A customer would leave the store or get off the phone happier than when they arrived or called.

Letting yourself feel good makes this flirting practice much easier to do. You know the unhelpful customer service worker who just wants to get rid of you—be that person’s role model. I’m probably one of the most pleasant customers now, and as a result, I get free stuff and help all over town. I even have inventory managers via text…just because I take time to chat and exchange helpful information. I’ll banter and flirt with any gender or background and make employees laugh at work; if you’re not leaving people enlightened or with a smile on their faces, this is an area to work on and improve in yourself.

When you get more grounded, putting yourself first, you know when to stay quiet on the down-low, when to engage, and when to take action, if needed. And sometimes you’ll need to take action.

Remember when I mentioned getting insulted at the beginning? When it happened in my 40s, my boss did it in front of a client. It upset me so much that it ruined my work focus…but I didn’t cry. I went into action-mode instead of emotional-mode: I left a note about the inappropriate behavior she committed and said that I couldn’t work like that. Then I left for the day and texted her that I needed a personal day and the explanation was on my desk. Then I let the emotions out when I let off steam at the movies, which was phenomenal alchemy because Top Gun 2, which won the Oscar award for best sound, was a particularly emotional film. Later, my boss called and we talked productively. I didn’t get fired and she didn’t do that to me again. I set a boundary. And you can too, F*ckgirl. 

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