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The holiday season is here.

Christmas music, hot cocoa, and holiday invites are starting to pour. I am sitting in Germany, staring at a Christmas tree while writing this article. What am I doing in Germany? It’s a long story, but I want to share the short version with you.

My parents loved Germany. My dad was a metallurgical engineer, and the company that he worked for had offices in Germany. In the 80s and 90s, the world wasn’t global. Between India (country of origin) and North Africa (my parents’ country of residence for 15 years because Dad’s job had him posted there), Germany was a representation of an efficient, modern, first-world country. My Mother loved the German departmental stores (new concept to her) and the Christmas spirit.

In one of our conversations in 2013, Mom had mentioned that she’d like to visit Germany. They hadn’t experienced the post-Berlin wall country or the culture. My mom died suddenly at age 66 on her way to Kashmir with Dad. Since Mom couldn’t revisit Germany, I promised my dad that we’d bring him to Germany to honor Mom’s 10th death anniversary. He liked the idea.

We can make all the plans, but the universe has a mind of its own. In May 2023, three days prior to Mom’s ninth death anniversary, Dad unexpectedly fell sick and passed away.

In the last year and a half, I have put a lot of energy into grief healing—both mine and other people’s. I became a certified Grief Coach who uses Ayurvedic principles to help people navigate their grief. In my practice as an Ayurvedic Doctor, I see clients who are sick because of their unresolved grief stemming from a myriad of issues.

Finally, a year and a half after losing Dad, I felt ready to keep my promise—Mom and Dad are gone, but I wanted to honor their one wish of visiting Germany. I feel so grateful that my husband and I are aligned in our grieving…we have learned to embrace grief with grace, openness, celebrations, stories, and occasional hollowness. I am grateful that we celebrate those of us alive with utmost gratitude but also honor those deceased with the same love—be it my father-in-law or my parents.

We decided that addressing grief won’t be easy, but denying it will be even more difficult. The only way out of grief is through it, not around or below or above it. You can pretend to not see it and push it away, but it sneaks up when you are least expecting it.

Grief is a deeply personal journey that cannot be rushed or avoided. It requires facing your emotions, allowing yourself to feel the pain, and gradually learning to live with the loss. I see family, friends, colleagues, and clients rush their grief. As a result, they turn to food, alcohol, sex, substance abuse, and so on to cope with the hole left behind. They make emotionally and physically unhealthy choices. They curate one version of their “happy life” for social media; at home and in real life, it’s a whole other story.

I know people who “abandon” their day-to-day and keep traveling to newer places to find the peace that loss snatches away. But let me remind you that outside distractions only create an illusion of healing; the minute you return to your life, grief will ask for your attention. Grief is relentless, and it won’t give up until you do the work. I have seen people build walls of silence around grief…pretending if they don’t see it, quietly grief will find another door. But when the wall comes crumbling down, grief ruins lives.

Acknowledging your feelings: Recognizing and accepting the emotions that come with loss, whether they’re sadness, anger, confusion, or numbness. You don’t need to project or perform or explain yourself to anyone. Grief is temperamental, and it shows us a side to ourselves that we didn’t know existed at all. If you were estranged from the deceased person, there is grief of what could have been and never was.

Giving yourself time: Understanding that healing is not linear and there’s no set timeline for grief. Be gentle with yourself, especially as the holiday fervor creates loneliness. Something as simple as holiday cooking and aromas can bring up memories. There is no Christmas tree that doesn’t remind me of Mom. I think she was sadder when I found out that Santa wasn’t real because she was able to live her Christmas fantasies through me.

Seeking intentional support: Grief can create moments of emptiness and unground you. Connecting with friends, family, support groups, or professional counselors who can provide comfort and guidance while being okay with disengaging with those who never seem to be present in relationships. Don’t let familiarity be the reason you spend time with anyone. A friend confessed that when she was at her lowest, her childhood best friend said, “I don’t have the bandwidth for her,” to a third party. That’s underhanded gossip!

Gradually rebuilding: Slowly rediscovering purpose and joy while carrying the memory of your loss with you. Give old relationships (unless they were traumatic) a new chance as grief can be transformative, and you aren’t the only one changing because of it.

Honoring the memory: Finding meaningful ways to remember and celebrate the person or thing you’ve lost. No matter the holiday or festivities, we talked about my father-in-law, Mom, and Dad. We cook at home or go out to eat their favorite meals on their birthdays and anniversaries. We visit the Ganesha Temple. But we don’t just romanticize the dead; we also get angry at the wrong they did, even if unintentionally. The minute we allow ourselves to embrace the fact that our deceased loved ones were flawed, ordinary, yet special like any of us…then grief doesn’t hold a grip on us anymore.

A friend saw one of my pictures from this trip and wrote, “I see a glow but also calm and peace on your face.” While the pain may never completely disappear, you can learn to carry grief differently over time. While in Germany, I feel grateful and only grateful to be back in a place that mattered to my parents and my own healing. There is no heavy cloud over my head.

I can’t emphasize enough that the only way out of grief is through it. Grief is not about “getting over” a loss but about learning to live with it, finding meaning, and slowly opening yourself to hope and new experiences. Each person’s grief journey is unique, and there’s no right or wrong way to navigate through it.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ~ Vicki Harrison

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