No relationship goes smoothly all the time, and when there’s tension between you and your partner, it’s important to know whether it’s just part of the natural ups and downs of two people getting to know each other, or a sign that there isn’t enough natural compatibility for you to work as a couple

Reflecting on the successful and not so successful relationships I’ve had over the years, I came up with this simple checklist as an easy way to tell whether your partner is actually someone you can grow a flourishing garden of love with (and vice versa, of course), or just a passing fan.

1. Humour: you laugh at the same kinds of things—and find similar things boring.

2. Values: you agree on what’s really important and are respect each other’s world views and beliefs, even when they’re not the same.

3. Attraction: you are equally attracted to each other, physically and emotionally.

4. Sex: you like the same kinds of things in bed, with a similar frequency, and like similar levels of emotional intimacy.

5. Self-Esteem: you have balanced levels of confidence about yourselves, and feel equal in the relationship.

6. Culture: you have similar tastes in arts, culture, music, and so on.

7. Independence: you want the same kind of balance between “we” and “me” in the relationship.

8. Energy: you like to do the same kinds of things for fun.

9. Openness: you’re able to share and empathise with each other’s vulnerabilities, and you’re happy to give reassurance about your feelings using each other’s “love language.”

10. Emotional Maturity: you both take responsibility for your feelings and avoid blaming the other person, and you’re also both willing to own up and apologise if you’ve caused hurt.

11. Curiosity: you both love learning new things, about the world and about each other.

If you say yes to all these, congratulations! You’re on the path to mutual happiness. If any are lacking, see if you can find any compromises that you both feel happy with; if not, it’s best to be honest with each other.

Love’s too precious to mess around with, so unless you’re both happy with a superficial connection (and why settle for that?) you should probably do yourselves a favour and move on.

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