“When asked to choose between a man or a bear, I will choose the bear because then I am food and nothing more. But to a man, I am an object to be used. A plaything for his desire. A prize at the end of a chase. I’m anything but a fellow human worthy of respect.” ~ Aster Rose

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It’s been close to a year since the debate raged over man versus bear. It really sparked some incredible controversy.

I know my previous articles on the subject set the comments on social media alight. There were nods of agreement and acknowledgement of readers’ own personal stories.

There was healthy debate around “not all men,” which we know it’s not all men, but the sad reality is, it is usually a man. There was anger. There was hate. There were frightening comments, excited at the thought that women choosing bears would be ripped apart. It was eye-opening. And as a writer, I’ve grown a strong backbone, to take on the personal attacks when someone doesn’t agree with me.

So, are women still choosing the bear?

Let’s have a little look at the year that has been.

Here in Australia, a once relaxed society, a land of the fair go, we have called a National Emergency on Domestic Violence and female homicide. More than one woman killed every 11 days by an intimate partner or an ex. It’s alarming. It’s terrifying. And it’s a trend that is happening around the world.

Orders put in place to protect women and children are not worth the paper they are written on; many a woman and child have been killed, with these orders in place.

It is an ugly, muddy, and sinister reality that many want to pretend is not happening. Or think will never happen to them. Maybe they don’t believe the friendly bloke down the road is capable of beating his partner to a pulp. Or the nice guy they work with has a history of stalking and predatory behaviour. Maybe they would never think the man that serves them coffee cannot and will not accept rejection and chooses to abuse any woman who dares to do so.

We are oblivious, and these men walk along side us everyday. Some you would never, ever suspect, and that is our chilling reality.

Then there is French woman Gisèle Pelicot. A strong, resilient, and courageous woman who came forward after discovering her husband of decades had not only been drugging and raping her but inviting men online to rape her whilst she was sedated.

She went through the trial, which in her own words was “degrading” and “humiliating.” Many of the defendants denied raping her as they stated “they did not know she was unconscious,” so cannot be guilty of rape. What a disgusting and sordid state of affairs. What sort of vile human beings come into a home and have sex with a woman who is not talking, or giving any form of consent, yet they think they’ve done nothing wrong. These same men who accepted an online invite to enter a home and have sex with an unconscious woman.

So, yes I believe many women are definitely still choosing the bear.

I have friends working alongside men who have prior charges of aggravated sexual assault that have just come to light. Friends who have been stalked and have been living in fear. I have been inappropriately touched on public transport. I have friends who have experienced date rape and have been drugged and raped. And most recently, it has been discovered that a local real estate has employed a man who was convicted of stalking, intimidation, and holding a woman against her will…not once but twice. He is a leasing agent, showing people through homes. He gets to know where people live and have access to their keys. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and a real risk. Make it make sense.

Again, for all those who jump up and down, those who passively or aggressively abuse me because “not all men,” I say this in my loudest outside voice: we know it’s not all men, but it’s enough men, and whilst we stand by and ignore the sh*tty behaviour, we are condoning it. Whilst we continue to accept that these men are walking amongst us, without repercussion, we are condoning it. Whilst social media continues to allow this pervasive, women hating, rape culture, we condone it. And whilst all the nice men, the good men, the men who say “it’s not all men,” stand back and pretend it’s not as bad as it is, we condone it.

How many times are women blamed for being attacked? We are belittled for being alone after dark, or running at night. We are belittled for what we wear, or don’t wear. How much we drink. Our sexual history. When we are attacked or killed, some men say: “What did she do to deserve it?” Men will blame custody arrangements for tipping them over the edge. Round and round we go, blaming, always blaming the victim and never placing the responsibility on the actual perpetrator.

Behaviours and actions have consequences yet we repeatedly let them slide. We put our blinkers on and don’t see. We put our ear plugs in and don’t hear. We refuse to ask and listen to women tell these stories so we can pretend we don’t know they are happening. There is no excuse for stalking, abuse, rape, or murder. None. Absolutely none. Yet every 11 days a woman is killed. Not by a bear, but by a man.

So yes the bear can seem like the safer option because at least you know what you’re getting. And when you hear a man say he too would choose the bear for his daughter that is a telling indictment.

Every day I hear the same old mantra on replay. It’s become a broken record. “Men are providers and protectors.” Well, many of them are not providing anything but money and honestly the protecting at this point is farcical because if we need protection, we need protection from other men. These men do not want to have that conversation. Instead they are angry because women are turning their backs and no longer choosing them. They are livid that many women are saying, “I choose the bear.” And the saddest part is, they are the very reason we are choosing that bear.

We’re not evolving fast enough as a society. We are still too steeped in the conditioning of the patriarchy, which is hurting all of us. As women, we want to be able to go out for a walk or run at night without fear. We want to wear what we want without judgement. Our sexual history is no more and no less important than a man’s. Why do we keep digging and finding fault with a woman who has had a vicious crime perpetrated against her and making excuses for the man who has committed that crime?

We want men to understand how we feel. We have been expressing the same concerns and fears for such a long time and still some men don’t get it.

I have heard male relationship coaches demoralise women who refuse to be picked up on a first date! Why would any sane woman give out her address and get into a car with a man they may not have met before or hardly know? As girls, we are taught that the world is beautiful, but it is also unsafe for women and we need to take precautions. This is not to create anxiety in our daughters but rather awareness because I do not know one woman who has not had at last one horrible experience with a man. Whether that be leering, cat calling, inappropriate touching, abuse for rejecting them, jealous and controlling behaviour, to the more dangerous things like being drugged, raped, or sadly killed. By the time we are in our 20s, the majority of us women have experienced something we didn’t deserve and something we wish we could forget.

So yes, I think a lot of women are choosing the bear. Hell, some may even be considering living with the bears at this point.

To the men I know who would never tolerate a woman being hurt by another man, I applaud you. Because not only would you never behave that way, I have seen you call out other men who do behave badly. And this is what all good men need to do: you need to start calling it out. You need to stand with us in our plight to change this trend.

And to the women who stand by men like those who raped Gisèle, you need to stop. The evidence is there, your husband, father, brother, son have committed a heinous crime. Imagine if it was you, your mother, sister, daughter, or friend! Blindly supporting someone who rapes or kills another human is not a flex. I feel sorry for you that you are clearly so misguided and your belief system is so warped that you actually think it’s okay for something like this to happen. Or worse, you somehow believe the woman is at fault.

We should be absolutely horrified at the continuing harm to women. Our mothers. Sisters. Daughters. Partners. And even our grandmothers. It should be sending chills down our spine that women we love could so easily be harmed. But instead our anger is directed at the women who are standing in unison and saying “we’ve had enough” and “we choose the bear.”

Would I choose the bear? If I was alone in the woods and I stumbled across a man I did not know, I would be nervous. If that man then started to behave in a way that raised my alarm bells, I would be scared, and yes, at that moment I would choose the bear. The bear would likely leave me alone or kill me swiftly. The wrong man, however, could torture me for hours. Remove every shred of dignity I ever had, where I was left praying to be killed. So yes, the bear would seem like the safer option. This is what this whole argument is about and yet some still do not get it.

The bear isn’t the issue. It was never the issue. And instead of some men recognising what this metaphorical debate was all about, they have thrown themselves in the Karpman Drama Triangle as the victims, when all along they have been the perpetrators.

So, yes, the bear is chosen once again and will continue to be chosen until the day women stop being harmed by our number one predator….men.

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