There’s a bit of a phenomenon I’ve noticed and that is the growing force of the self-proclaimed “nice guy.”

I’m sure you know him, or have at least met him.

He’s the guy who will testify to his niceness, to whoever will listen. He has a constant need for people to believe he’s nice and has created this persona, which sadly lacks any real authenticity. The guy who will make comments like “nice guys always finish last,” in disappointment and resignation. Seeking pity and likeminded men to nod their heads in unison, at how wronged they all are.

He will profess frustration at continually being “friend-zoned.” He spends his time working on being liked because he needs to be liked. Conflict avoidance is one of his strengths. He takes pride in his role of the “nice guy.”

And then he places himself smack, bang in the Karpman Drama Triangle as the perpetual victim. “Woe is me because nice guys never get the girl.”

Here’s the thing: it’s an act. A self-serving performance. He’s being nice as a strategic means to garner something from someone else.

He knows how to turn the nice on and even the charm. His nice is based on manipulation. He wants something and oftentimes it’s the girl. He befriends the girl, as the nice guy, and is then bitter and resentful when she only wants friendship. Instead of being honest and sharing how he feels, he’s dishonest and fake, hoping his “nice guy” act gets him what he wants. And when it doesn’t, he whines to anyone who will listen that he’s friend-zoned” and how unfair that is because he “was there for her.”

Then he turns it all around blaming her and making statements like “women always want the bad boys.” All the while he never sees the irony in his thoughts and comments.

Dear self-proclaimed nice guy: being nice to get something does not make you a good or nice person. It makes you a manipulator. It makes you fake.

I recently watched a video of a “nice guy” in his car (they all make videos in their car), the sad mood music playing in the background, as he recounts his brokenhearted story of unrequited love. He spoke of the girl he had befriended and how their friendship had grown. He spoke about how she was “there for him” and really cared for him. How they spoke often and spent time together. They laughed together and enjoyed each other’s company. But he was upset and annoyed when she started dating, declaring he’d been “friend-zoned” because “girls always ignore the nice guys.” A tone of bitterness that she would choose to date another when he was there and, of course, is a “nice guy.”

Dear self-proclaimed nice guy: befriending someone under false pretenses is not “nice.” Deceiving a woman by pretending to be her friend, when you want more, makes you a liar.

Here’s another truth: friend-zone is a made-up term to place the blame of unrequited feelings on the object of their desire. With low self-esteem and bruised egos, it’s far easier to project and create a label as an excuse rather than self-reflect on your own behaviours and actions. We all, both men and women, have developed feelings for someone where it was unrequited or circumstances just weren’t right. Just because one person is attracted to or has feelings doesn’t mean the other person does. Platonic friendship is a thing and it is a thing between men and women. If some men don’t understand that or only befriend women in the hope of that changing, that’s on them. They haven’t been “friend-zoned.” They are friends. That’s the premise of their relationship. Friends.

Dear self-proclaimed nice guy: when you start a friendship with a woman and you don’t communicate your feelings because you hope her feelings will change and they don’t, you haven’t been “friend-zoned.” Your feelings simply were not reciprocated and now your fragile ego is bruised, so you find an excuse to soothe the rejection and call it “friend-zoned.”

Whilst we are speaking of truths, most women are not looking for what you think they are. Instead of being yourself, you are creating a fake version in the hope of drawing her in. In the hope of getting something from her.  Most women want genuine. Honest. Compassionate. Respectful. Caring. Understanding. Loyal. Vulnerable. Most women want someone who can communicate and listen. We want a man who will call out the poor behaviour of other men. A good man who will not tolerate a woman being disrespected. We don’t want nice with strings attached. We don’t want nice with manipulation. We don’t want nice with fake. We don’t want a man to befriend us with an ulterior motive.

Dear self-proclaimed nice guy: we don’t want “nice.” We want a good man who is real. Someone we can trust.

The truth is a “nice” guy doesn’t need to convince you he is nice. Good people just are. It’s in their actions, not just their words. They do good things because that’s who they are, not because they are trying to impress others or be validated.  Not because they want sex. Not because they are trying to deceive someone. Niceness without ulterior motives is the flex.

Dear self-proclaimed nice guy: women are tired of your bullsh*t. We are tired of seeing the “self-proclaimed” nice guy, whine and moan about how he has been wronged, when the whole time he’s been playing a game in the hopes he wins whatever prize he’s set his mind on.

It’s time for a reality check. It’s time to stop lying and pretending to be someone you are not. If you’re a good person, it will be evident in your actions. We don’t want nice because nice comes with strings. Nice guys don’t finish last—liars do. Assholes do. You’re not “friend-zoned,” she’s just not interested in you. Try being real. Try being genuine. Try being vulnerable and honest. Try being a good person. Try taking some responsibility for your actions. Try a little self-reflection. And instead of making these videos where you project all your insecurities and unhealthy beliefs onto others, try therapy. Learn. Heal. Grow. Strive to become a better version of yourself. And maybe, just maybe, you might actually become a genuinely nice person and you may actually get the girl.

Dear self-proclaimed nice guy: nobody owes you anything. Not friendship. Not attention. Not validation. Not love. And definitely not sex.

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