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Ever find yourself in the middle of a fight with your partner, saying something that sounds eerily familiar?

Like maybe…something your mom used to say when she was mad at your dad? Or maybe you swore you’d never date someone like your emotionally unavailable parent, and yet…here you are, waiting three hours for a text back, questioning all your life choices.

That’s not just bad luck. That’s your childhood running the show.

Your Inner Child Has the Mic—And They’re Loud

Most of us like to think we’re dating as rational adults, making conscious choices. But the truth? A lot of the time, our inner child is behind the wheel, wearing oversized sunglasses, insisting they know where they’re going while simultaneously ignoring every red flag.

When we don’t recognize how our early experiences shaped our emotional wiring, we end up repeating patterns we didn’t even choose.

>> If you grew up in a house where love was inconsistent, you might feel drawn to emotionally distant partners—because chasing love feels normal.

>> If you had to keep the peace as a kid, you might struggle to express your needs—because conflict feels dangerous.

>> If you had to earn affection with achievements, you might feel unlovable unless you’re “useful” to your partner.

Basically, if relationships feel like déjà vu, it’s because they kind of are.

The Nervous System Never Forgets

Your nervous system is like a human security system—it scans for threats based on past experiences. If love used to mean unpredictability, control, or rejection, your body remembers. And when something in your current relationship feels even remotely similar, your brain rings the alarm.

The problem? The alarm doesn’t care whether the threat is real or just a familiar pattern. So, you might:

>> Overreact to small things because they remind you of past hurts.

>> Pull away when things get too good because safe love feels foreign.

>> Try to “fix” your partner because you couldn’t fix things growing up.

It’s like getting spooked by a shadow—except the shadow is your emotional history.

Breaking the Cycle (Without Blaming Your Parents for Everything)

Awareness is half the battle. The other half? Making sure your inner child doesn’t have unlimited access to the relationship controls.

Here’s how:

>> Notice the patterns. If you’re always the one chasing or shutting down, there’s a reason. Track it back.

>> Regulate, don’t react. Just because your brain rings the alarm doesn’t mean there’s an actual fire. Breathe. Pause. Check the facts.

>> Update your system. Your past shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define you. You get to create new ways of relating.

Because at the end of the day, your childhood may have shaped your relationship patterns—but it doesn’t have to run them.

Your inner child can take a break. Let them color, take a nap, or eat some fruit snacks. Your adult self has got this.

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