People love to throw around the term commitment issues like it explains everything.

Can’t settle down? Commitment issues. Avoiding defining the relationship? Commitment issues. Breaking things off just when they start feeling serious? Yep, commitment issues.

But what if that label isn’t just inaccurate—it’s actually getting in the way of understanding what’s really happening?

Commitment Isn’t the Problem—What Commitment Represents Is

Most people who struggle to commit aren’t afraid of commitment itself. They’re afraid of what commitment brings up for them.

Being in a relationship means being seen, being relied on, and being vulnerable. It means someone gets close enough to notice your flaws, your insecurities, your worst days. It means risking disappointment, rejection, or feeling trapped.

And those things aren’t just present-day fears—they’re deeply tied to how someone learned to relate to closeness in the first place.

Attachment Wounds Disguised as “Commitment Issues”

Many people who pull away in relationships are responding to past relational wounds, not the current situation.

>> If someone grew up in a home where love felt conditional or inconsistent, commitment might feel like a setup for eventual abandonment.

>> If they experienced a lot of control or smothering, commitment might feel like losing themselves.

>> If they’ve been betrayed, commitment might feel like a ticking time bomb—just waiting for the moment when trust shatters.

It’s not about whether they want a relationship. It’s about whether their nervous system perceives it as safe.

Fear of Being Trapped versus Fear of Being Left

Not everyone with “commitment issues” is running away from closeness. Some people crave deep connection but still struggle to stay. Why?

Because there are different ways to experience fear in relationships:

>> Fear of engulfment: feeling like being in a relationship means losing independence, identity, or control. This often shows up in people who had controlling or emotionally overwhelming caregivers.

>> Fear of abandonment: worrying that no matter how much love is there, it won’t last. This is common in people who grew up with unreliable or inconsistent emotional support.

Both can lead to push-pull behaviors in relationships—getting close, then withdrawing. Feeling deeply connected one moment and overwhelmed the next.

What Commitment Actually Requires

Instead of framing it as a fear of commitment, it’s more accurate to say it’s a fear of what commitment activates.

To work through it, the focus shouldn’t be on “just trying harder” to commit. It should be on:

>> Understanding why closeness feels threatening

>> Learning how to self-regulate through fears of abandonment or suffocation

>> Developing trust in healthy interdependence—not all-or-nothing closeness or avoidance

>> Recognizing that commitment isn’t about control or obligation—it’s about safety and chosen connection

So if you or someone you love struggles with “commitment issues,” stop assuming it’s a lack of desire or effort. Instead ask:

What does commitment mean to them? And what would it take for it to feel safe?

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