Our dear writers share personal stories because they’re what they know best, and what we can learn from, best. They are personal—if you have another perspective, you can write your perspective here. ~ ed.

Last year, I ran some mental wellbeing workshops for men and learned about the most common male fears and insecurities.

I found that most of us share a basic instinct to provide for and protect our families and loved ones, but can feel unsure about how best to experience and express our core masculine strength, which leads some men to seek power over someone weaker—often a woman—as a way to reassure themselves about their manhood. Tragically, they can then start to display “toxic” behaviour and become a threat to the very people that they should be keeping safe.

Some men seem to have the misguided idea that having emotions, or showing vulnerability, would be seen as weakness; but women friends have told me that in their eyes a man who is willing and able to share his deepest feelings is both brave and strong.

What man doesn’t want to be thought of like that?

In my experience, a man who is confident enough to be kind, and to live in a way that’s true to his own beliefs and values, rather than trying to fit some narrow macho definition of “manliness“—which never really fit me, or most men I know—will be respected by women and by other men, as an ally, a friend or as a lover.

These are the key steps which have helped me on my own journey to authentic manliness.

>> I try to live in a way that’s true to my values.

This—for me—boils down to having integrity; I try to follow my own truths, rather than fitting with someone else’s idea of what a man I should be. I found that joining a men’s group where I was able to meet a bunch of trusted friends and allies to support and encourage me, has made this easier.

>> I try to do work that is meaningful to me, and makes the world a better place.

Most us want to feel we’re good at something and to be appreciated for that. But finding satisfying paid work is an ideal that not all of us can achieve. The main aim for me is to spend at least some of my time doing something that feels rewarding in other ways than being paid.

>> I try to be kind, and to avoid causing harm.

I try to be aware of whatever privilege I’ve been blessed with, and to use it to support people who are less fortunate. None of us can change the situation we were born into, and there’s no point in feeling “guilty” about any advantages we have. But we all have a responsibility to be aware of, and to use, whatever power we have to help create a more equal world.

>> I accept my strengths and weaknesses.

Each of us are unique, and that is to be celebrated. But none of us are “special” in the sense of being worth more than anyone else. A man who knows and accepts this about himself is on the solid inner ground of self-acceptance, which means no one can shame or undermine him. Such a man is not afraid of conflict, and doesn’t need to always “win” or be “right.”

>> I aim to provide love, security and safety for my family and dependants.

Our most basic responsibility is to provide support to those who depend on us. They need to be able to rely on us to love them unconditionally. But it’s not about being a “rescuer”—which is usually more to do with trying to fix our own sense of inadequacy—than with supporting someone in the way that’s best for them.

>> I try to love bravely and adventurously and give myself fully to my relationship.

Loving someone is risky; our affections may not be reciprocated, and that’s painful. But when I value myself, I’m not dependent on anyone else to prop up my self-esteem so I can mostly bypass jealousy and anxiety. Ideally I will be loved back in the same courageous spirit, but if it seems that they’re not ready for this kind of “grown-up” relationship, at least I can know it will be better (for both of us) to end it.

>> I remember to be appreciative and respectful of others.

When I find myself hating someone, I reflect on what inner division in myself is being reflected back to me by them, and try to learn from it and heal. It doesn’t mean I should tolerate abusive behaviour towards me; but explaining my boundaries in a calm and non-judgemental way means they’re much more likely to be heard and acted upon.

>> I make love instead of just “having sex.”

For me an important part of “manliness” is being in touch with, and valuing, my vulnerability. A man who has this kind of relationship with himself won’t be satisfied with sex that just leads to orgasm if it isn’t also part of a deeper connection. I don’t use sex to “prove myself,” but try to express real intimacy in a soulful and deeply connecting way, which leads to a much richer experience.

 >> I respect and appreciate the “feminine” parts of myself.

A man needs to be in touch with his nurturing instincts and compassion, all of which are a natural part of being fully human. No man should feel ashamed of these feelings, or to try to deny them in himself; like trying to stand on one leg, that would probably lead to some kind of breakdown or causing harm to himself or others.

>> I think less, and live more!

If my head is in the clouds (or the books) for too long, instead of being here-and-now, I may miss what’s actually going on. Life really is what happens while we’re busy making other plans, so I try to stay present and connected as often as I can.

There are many paths to becoming a “good man,” but when I follow these steps, and give myself a gentle reminder when I lose my connection with them, I know that I’m on the right track.

~