What a strange world we live in.

I recently wrote an article about my personal experience of moving away from my old life, leaving a marriage, and starting afresh.

It was an account of how I’d completely lost myself over a period of 30 years, of being everything to everyone else but my self. I described it as the burning down of my previous life, with all its messiness, sadness, grief, overwhelm, confusion, and eventual rediscovery, authenticity, reconnection, and finding myself and a strength and resilience I never knew I had.

What I wasn’t expecting was the barrage of hateful comments from some men I seemingly angered when recounting my own personal experience. Strangers I had never met. Random people who felt validated in trying to shame me after reading one article, or perhaps only reading the headline. Belittle me. Judge me. All because I decided to put myself first after 30 years.

“Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.”

“How to be a narcissist and back yourself into an unresolved psychological corner you’ll never escape from.”

“Just saw the title, no pic…knew it was a narcissist woman instantly.”

“Yet another avalanche of me centred spirituality confused women’s articles about how they empowered themselves by ruining everybody’s lives.”

“No human would be ok with choosing themselves that consistently for providing nothing but a slit and problems.”

“A malignant narcissist’s manifesto.”

“Just immature. Doesn’t know how to face adversity. She’s running from her problems.”

“Smells like white privilege and American egocentrism. I wonder what other lives she burned down in her own proud conflagration of self.”

“A man sacrifices for his loved ones. He is secondary in his mind. Women blow up family, rob their kids of a stable home and create lifeline trauma for multiple people because they are bored. Absolutely disgusting.”

“All selfish she’s narcissistic because that’s women in their very nature to be narcissistic.”

“New age nonsense. Life is not about me, me, me and living your ‘true self.’ It’s about service to others and having purpose. Part of your purpose should be your family, friends and children.”

“This is some psycho female sh*t.”

“So you are a selfish asshole- thanks for letting us know.”

And this comment below from a man who clearly is self-aware enough to read something and not be triggered”

“Amazing how many men in these comments automatically bash the woman as a ‘selfish narcissist.’ Y’all sound a little nervous.”

It’s an interesting array of comments from these men who seem to be angry and projecting their own issues or experiences onto me. I usually ignore such commentary, but this time I refuse to, because it’s time some people reflect on their behaviour and their words, especially as they think it’s perfectly okay to spew such vitriol on social media.

Let’s go into a little more detail.

I stayed in my marriage for over 25 years, and my kids were adults when I decided to leave. And it wasn’t without years of feeling detached and lonely inside my marriage. It wasn’t without trying to “fix things” and work through things. One commenter speaks of “service to others.” I did this all my married life. I was the go-to when my kids were young, and I’m still the go-to now. My kids have always been my everything and I have an incredibly close relationship with them, and that didn’t change because I decided to end my marriage. In fact, they’ve been able to see their mum evolve and tell me they are proud of me.

None of this was without pain, sadness, and grief for all of us, but we humans experience these things throughout life. Our kids deserve happy parents. I still talk to my ex-husband and he is happy in another relationship and I am happy for him. I want him to be happy. Sometimes the healthiest decision is to leave. I still see and speak to my in-laws. And whilst I distanced myself from some friends, I have friendships that have lasted over 40 years, with both women and men. Imagine commenting some of the above comments without knowing someone’s life.

I didn’t run away from my problems. I tried to work through the dynamics that evolved, but we weren’t able to grow in the same way. It intrigues me that not one of the commenters above have the thought process or insight to wonder why I chose the path I did. Instead they jumped straight to criticism, judgement, and blame because in the closed-minded misogynist, it’s always the woman’s fault. I didn’t feel I needed to share the intricacies of the relationship breakdown because I respect my ex-husband and those things are personal, but I can share my feelings and the need for me to change direction in my life.

Calling someone a narcissist for choosing a different life is sadly a poor reflection on the commenter.

Let’s talk about purpose. Over the past seven years, I have studied counselling and supported others on their grieving journey. I work with teenagers in crisis and I also work on a suicide prevention line. My purpose is all about holding space for others but remembering to fill my cup—whilst maintaining close relationships with my kids, grandchild, family, and friends. When someone self reflects and can be completely honest with themselves, it allows them to move in the direction they need to. It opens up space and creates the opportunity to heal and grow, and sometimes that might be a different path than they set out on. It’s hard to change, but sometimes it’s necessary.

Insinuating someone is only useful for their “slit” is disgusting. Suggesting that a woman finally giving to herself after so many years, is “me, me, me” is projection at it’s finest.

Human beings are complex creatures and none of us are without fault. I’m certainly not. I chose myself after 30-odd years because I had given so much of myself to everyone else I was empty. And I was completely lost. I’m not blaming anyone for that. I’m not saying I’m blameless. I am saying we all have a right to be happy, and when we do find that inner joy and peace, everyone in our life benefits.

I’m saddened that so many people are not only quick to judge but quick to comment such angry, bitter, and hateful comments. In my experience, people who do this have unhappiness in their own lives.

I’m not going to apologise for living a fulfilled, passionate, and purposeful life. Or for making a decision that saw me grow and connect with those in my life on a much deeper level. Or for studying so I can support those who are struggling. I’m saddened that my experience and story bothered or triggered you, but I’m not going to apologise for that either because that’s on you. That’s your work. We are all responsible for how we react and behave and we all have the ability to change, heal, and grow.

I’m not going to apologise for choosing myself after years of giving to everyone else. Life is not about staying somewhere or with someone out of some sort of duty because that’s not fair for anyone. Our partners deserve the best of us and if we can’t give them that, then we should set them free and set ourselves free. It’s about living our best life because when we do, everyone around us is better for it. Our kids don’t want to see us lost, miserable, distracted, and simply going through the motions, burying and distracting ourselves from how we truly feel. They want to see joy, energy, presence, and be inspired. When we choose to live with passion and purpose, we teach them what’s possible.

I chose to live a different life, and disagreeing with my choice is your right, but that does not make me a narcissist. It makes me honest because I chose not to live a lie. What does your commentary say about you?

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