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As I sit at my desk, I notice my fear.

I reach for the Bach flower drops I purchased last year to help with fear.

It’s been just over a year since I set out on the path of recreating my life.

I’m in a different country. I’m blazing a new trail for myself as a therapist-coach for creatives and as an actress.

There have been times of busy-ness and then periods of lull, which is how the creative process goes.

It is at these quieter times that the fearful part—some might call it the ego—says:

“Oh my God, what if you have made a big mistake? What if you fail? What if this new path you’re trying to create doesn’t work out? It hasn’t fully worked out yet, so maybe it never will.”

My guts squelch.

I feel rising panic in my chest.

I am describing my process of creating a new life for myself: a new vocation, a new location, a new identity.

But I could equally be talking about your process: writing a screenplay, preparing a character to act in a film, manifesting abundance.

After all, creativity is inherent in us all.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says:

“Are you considering becoming a creative person? Too late, you already are one. To even call somebody ‘a creative person’ is almost laughably redundant; creativity is the hallmark of our species.”

As a Gestalt Therapist, I agree. Gestalt theory is based on creativity.

We are creative beings, constantly figuring out how best to get our needs and wants met from our environment in order to grow.

This includes our basic needs like hunger and connection, as well as our desire for play, and our longing for meaning and purpose.

Whether we identify as “creative” or not, we are always in a process of adjusting, experimenting, and creating our way forward.

In an ideal state, this process would be smooth.

Going back to my case: I identified and trusted what I desired—to relocate, to pivot careers—and I did it.

Ideally, in times of lull, I wouldn’t spiral into fear and doubt. I’d stay grounded in my creative vision and trust that I am getting there.

And ideally the same for you dear reader. If you have decided to manifest an abundant life or start a YouTube channel, when you hit a block or a cycle of confusion, you might feel some fear and anxiety, but ultimately you trust you’re going to get there.

“Yeah right,” you might think cynically. “Easier said than done. Is that even possible? Maybe if you’re a superhuman.” Certainly in moments of lull, I start to lose the faith.

Yet if I look at examples of individuals who are in a good relationship with their creative process, trust, certainty, and faith are the hallmark.

Steve Jobs, founder of Apple, said:

“Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards, so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” (Stanford commencement speech, 2005)

Oprah Winfrey says:

“You must trust your path. You must trust in the small steps, because they lead you to the bigger vision.”

And Wayne Dyer reminds me:

“When you trust in yourself, you are trusting in the wisdom that created you.”

“You’ll see it when you believe it.”

Before talking about how I am developing more self-trust, it’s important to define what this actually means, as otherwise it can come across as a bit vague and mystical.

So what does self-trust actually mean, I ask myself. 

That depends on whom you are asking. From a psychological point of view, it  means trusting your feelings and knowing you will have compassion for yourself however you show up.

From the point of view of manifestors/spiritual perspective, it means trusting your intuition. For example, the impulses or “pings” you get and then knowing that you will show up for yourself by taking aligned action. The aligned action might be creating a new offering, deciding to write a book about a particular topic, or enforcing a boundary. 

In Gestalt Therapy, we like to turn nouns into verbs. So the question is, what do I trust or not trust about myself? Is it my feelings, my “intuition/gut,” my desires, my goals, my ability to make things happen, my ability to have consistent self-compassion? 

1. Once I know which bit of trusting I struggle with, I can start to develop compassion for that part.

Let’s say I don’t trust my feelings.

How did I (and perhaps you, if you’re reading this far) learn not to trust myself?

Often, it starts with mixed messages in the childhood home.

For example, a seven-year-old cries because she’s scared to go to school, and the parent says, “There’s nothing to be scared of, it will be fine.”

Not the worst thing a parent could say, but the subtle message is: “Your feelings are invalid.”

Over time, this can hardwire the belief: “I can’t trust myself.”

Even more harmful is when we grew up in a house where abuse was normalised. Where our feelings of fear, anxiety, hurt, grief, and shame were never validated. Not only were they not validated, they were avoided.

A process which is literally crazy-making.

And what is the point of going over all the childhood trauma memories, you might rightly ask?

It might help you connect with empathy.

So I ask you:

Can you feel some compassion for that distrusting part of you?

Can you see them as a younger you—a part of you, but not all of you—who is a grown-up now?

Can you feel empathy for how they had a vested interest in not trusting themselves, their feelings, their energy?

The implications of trusting their feelings would have meant confronting the fact their primary caregiver was not on their side.

For their young mammalian nervous system, primed to stay connected in order to survive, disconnection felt like literal death.

So the unconscious reasoning of the child-part is:

“It’s safer for me (to pretend) that I don’t trust myself, since I can’t survive on my own.”

Gestalt Therapy describes the above process as a creative adjustment.

It’s an intelligent way we adapted to ensure survival.

The problem is, we forget that’s what we did, and the “I can’t trust myself” part comes along with us into adulthood.

When I identify and acknowledge that part and see her as a little bit separate from me, I am more able to soothe her.

I do this by putting my hand where I feel her (the rising panic in my chest, the squelch in my gut).

The simple act of touching my skin releases oxytocin to calm the activated nervous system.

2. Next, I ask myself: Is it really true that I can’t trust my creative energy?

I went over my life story to date and thought about the times when I have taken a creative risk and it paid off—or at least wasn’t the end of the world if it didn’t.

I think about the time I decided to backpack around Europe as a 19-year-old. Sure, there were some “moments,” but I survived intact. My risk of relocating and pivoting careers is mostly taking off. My growing a family from one child to two is working out.

I then think about the times when I took a creative risk and it “went wrong.”

I think about having started two businesses in the past which didn’t work out.

Then I ask myself: Did they really not “work out”? Okay, so I didn’t make the income I wanted from them, but does that mean they didn’t work out? 

Was it really because the idea was bad, or perhaps because I didn’t have the faith and self-trust to keep going long enough for them to take off?

And even if they didn’t “work out,” did I not learn a lot from them about marketing, selling, proposal writing, advertising, and so on? And did that not inform where I am today ? 

This leads me to another aspect of self-trust, which is about having faith in my capacity to learn and course-correct even from the “mistakes.” 

3. Lastly, I find ways to connect with more safety and certainty in the moment.

Trust exists on a spectrum.

At one pole: no trust at all. If that had been my reality, I would never have left the UK or pivoted my career.

More in the middle of the spectrum, I might not trust my creative energies or desires some of the time. This is my current truth. It doesn’t stop me from taking the small steps forward.

And then there are those at the other pole of the spectrum who hold certainty and conviction even in the unknown. Someone like Wayne Dyer, for example.

What I do know is that it is impossible for me to connect with my inner knowing or trust if my fearful parts are being triggered. I know they are triggered when my fear feels disproportionate to the current situation. So in addition to dialoguing with the fearful part and doing the inventory, I do a “bottom-up” somatic exercise to feel safer.

Polyvagal expert Deb Dana gives an exercise called anchoring in safety.

She invites us to make a list of:

1. The people we feel safe with.

2. The things that bring us a sense of safety.

3. The places where we feel a sense of safety.

4. The moments when we feel safe.

One of each on my list are:

1. My grandma (now in heaven).

2. A cup of builder’s tea.

3. My home.

4. Connecting in peer supervision with my three therapist friends who know me really well.

We can then create a portfolio of ventral vagal anchors.

Here’s the brief explanation:

The nervous system has three main states. In sympathetic mode, we’re in fight-or-flight. In dorsal vagal mode, we collapse and shut down. And in ventral vagal mode, we feel safe, connected, creative, and open.

This is the state of social engagement and trust.

When my distrusting part gets triggered, I can turn to my anchors, and they help me shift into ventral vagal.

Over time, thanks to neuroplasticity, the more I practice turning to these anchors, the more my nervous system learns: it is safe to trust myself.

There’s more to talk about here, and I look forward to writing further about the process of trusting and  surrendering.

In the meantime, I hope sharing some of my experience has helped you feel less alone and more emboldened on your creative path. May you feel safe enough to keep going.

Because as Elizabeth Gilbert says:

“This is how it feels to lead the faithful creative life. You try and try and try and nothing works. But you keep trying and you keep seeking and then sometimes, in the least expected place and time it finally happens….Out of nowhere it all comes together.”

Here’s to it finally happening and coming together for you!

~