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“You need to set boundaries.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Then why aren’t you?”

“Because it’s selfish, right? I suddenly can’t stop caring and be all about myself!”

“Hmm…and who told you that setting boundaries makes you selfish?”

“Um…that’s what everyone says.”

And that’s why so many of us can’t set healthy boundaries to preserve our mental and emotional peace and maintain healthy relationships. We’re constantly told and made to feel that anytime we think of conserving our energy, keeping something that belongs to us, it’s “selfish.”

Why? Because one person’s boundary is another person’s discomfort. In collective cultures, the concept of boundaries mostly doesn’t exist and people pleasing is the norm, and that’s why not only is enmeshment common but so is exhaustion, burnout, and resentment in relationships. When we think of boundaries, we think of walls or a door slammed shut that is meant to keep people out. That’s why the idea feels so intimidating and wrong. Why would we want to keep our loved ones out? That sounds cold.

However, that’s not what a boundary is or does. Think of boundaries as the doors and windows of your house. You don’t keep them open 24/7, do you? Imagine if you did! It wouldn’t be your house anymore! It could turn into a zoo or circus or it might be hijacked by a bunch of rogues, but it certainly wouldn’t be your house! This is what happens when you don’t have mental, emotional, and physical doors and windows that you lock or unlock based on your judgement and evaluation of when you want to step out or let someone in.

Yes, you need to be there for your loved ones, but you also need to define what “being there” means for you and in what ways they want you to support them. Being there doesn’t mean emptying yourself, losing sight of your own life in the process, and changing into a version of you that you don’t recognize anymore (which is what happens when you continue to give without any filters or replenishment for yourself). It is about holding space, giving them what they need, empathizing, or helping them in whatever way they need, but without giving away pieces of yourself, because as noble as it sounds, it is self-destructive. If one day, when nothing is left of you, you have no capacity to show up and you are filled with frustration, anger, and resentment for those you want to support, then what would be the point? Sadly, most of us realise this only when the damage to ourselves has been done.

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” ~ Anna Taylor

The point of relationships is never to abandon ourselves to make them work. In fact, self-abandonment ensures that the quality of the relationship also goes down. A relationship is like a thread held by two people from both ends. When one person keeps abandoning themselves, they can’t hold up their end of the relationship. It just starts to hang loose and they are too depleted to pick themselves up and show up in the relationship.

When there is enmeshment, even then there isn’t any relationship. It’s all messy, entangled, and quite frustrating. This is where having a filter, those boundaries, helps—the ones that tell you that for you to show up for others as your best possible self, you have to save some energy and put it in your growth, mental peace, and well-being.

Yes, if you’ve been someone who’s never really set boundaries to begin with or allowed them to get blurred every now and then, it would be challenging because your boundary will cause discomfort to those who are used to you being a certain way—always present. They might have strong reactions, and they are allowed to, just like you are allowed to have your boundaries. It feels selfish, but it’s not. It’s self-aware, self-protective, and loving because at the end of the day, we all need nurturance. Without it, we perish.

You’re not saying you will never be available. You’re saying you will adjust your availability to squeeze a little or maybe more of you in the relationship.

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” ~ Prentis Hemphill

In time, a new equilibrium will come about. Either people around you will come to understand and respect your boundaries or you will become aware of the ones who can’t or aren’t willing to. In both the cases, a new dynamic will be set, which will be healthier than the one where you were abandoning yourself. There are also different ways in which you can set boundaries. It’s not about simply blocking people out but choosing when and how much to let someone in or how much to step out. Boundaries can be subtle, intentional, quiet, and situational.

Here are some ways to set boundaries without causing an uproar in anybody’s system:

1. Making Yourself Unavailable

You don’t owe your constant accessibility to anyone. Sometimes, you protect your peace simply by not picking up every call, replying instantly, or attending every event. Space allows recalibration. It’s about small yet really powerful gestures like turning off your notifications, closing your door, going off social media, or telling someone you’ll connect with them later.

2. Partial Availability

You can choose how much of yourself you give emotionally, mentally, or physically. For instance, you don’t have to attend a family event for the whole day or you can evaluate how much of a task you can do realistically and ask someone to pitch in. Boundaries can be flexible without being self-abandoning.

3. Listening Without Fixing

You can be compassionate without taking responsibility for someone’s healing or choices. For instance, offering a listening ear but not giving advice unless asked (especially when you know that it won’t be taken).

4. Honoring Your Time

Time boundaries are one of the most powerful and underrated ones. When you value your time, others eventually do too. You need to decide for yourself how much time are you willing to spend with a person, on a task, or in a situation so that it doesn’t drain you.

5. Preparing for Draining Interactions

Sometimes you can’t avoid certain people, but you can prepare for them. Grounding yourself before meeting a difficult person, planning an exit strategy, or scheduling something calming afterward. Boundaries here are energetic and about containment and conservation.

6. Redirecting Conversations

For instance, you can gently shift topics or disengage when something feels invasive or draining. This keeps your mental space clean without creating conflict. Yes, you can hang up one minute earlier than usual or leave when you start feeling your body tensing up.

7. Focusing on What Energizes You

One of the most empowering forms of boundary-setting is investing your time and attention in what fuels you instead of what depletes you. For example, saying no to an obligation so you can paint, journal, rest, or take a walk. Boundaries are not just about shutting things out; they’re also about choosing what you let in.

8. Silent Boundaries

Not every boundary needs to be announced. Sometimes you simply start behaving differently, replying less, staying quieter, choosing peace over proving your point, or having conversations with yourself to remind yourself to stay grounded, not to respond or focus on something else.

We all need to protect our mental, emotional, and physical spaces, not because we don’t give a damn to anyone but because we are our only asset and we need protection and preservation too. We often forget that in relationships, we are the ones holding the other end of the thread, and if we lose ourselves in the process of holding that thread, the connection itself begins to weaken. Protecting your end of the thread isn’t selfish; it’s how you keep the relationship strong, steady, and real because you need to be held too and sometimes only by you.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brené Brown

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