“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” ~ Brené Brown

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Have you ever tried calling on a number again and again only to get the message that the person you’re trying to reach is unavailable?

No matter how many times you call or different numbers you use, the message doesn’t change. The more you call, the more frustrated you get. Eventually, you stop calling and move to something else. It’s easy to do that because it’s just a phone number. But what happens when this is your partner on the other side and you’re reaching out to them not because you have some work or some small stuff to discuss, but an emotional connect that you’re trying to establish?

You know they are there, but they also…aren’t. At times, it’s like talking to a wall. No matter how much you go around it, talk, scream, shout, the wall just can’t talk back, can it? It just stands there. Unmoved. Cold. And if you try to force your way through a wall, you will get hurt.

That’s what being with an emotionally unavailable person feels like. You reach out, be vulnerable, pour your heart out, only to be met with a host of reactions that you couldn’t even imagine would exist or this person could display. It’s not always about being cold, but can show up in different ways the moment emotions and vulnerability enter the room, which pretty much makes up the whole essence of a relationship, and when that is compromised, the relationship has no room to breathe and grow.

Emotional unavailability often shows up as:

1. They avoid emotional conversations. The moment things get real (i.e. feelings, needs, conflict enter the conversation), they change the subject, intellectualize it, use humour, or shut down entirely. This can continue for days and weeks until somehow normalcy returns and then they say there is no need to talk about it now since everything is fine (on the surface, of course!).

2 . They “logic” their way out of emotions. Instead of acknowledging how you feel, they respond with facts, analysis, or problem-solving to avoid emotional depth.

3. They withdraw when you need closeness. You try to talk, connect, or share something vulnerable…and they become distant, distracted, or suddenly “busy.”

4. They get defensive the moment you express a need. Even basic needs (“I felt hurt,” “I want more communication”) feel like an attack to them. They react with anger, blame, or shutdown, or will flip the script and make it about them.

5. They stonewall. They shut down, disappear, and avoid conversations, and not in a “I need space” kind of a way. It’s to avoid accountability for their actions and the discomfort of a real, vulnerable conversation.

6. They give mixed signals. Warm one day, cold the next. Affectionate in private, detached in conflict, and you’re constantly unsure where you stand because at times they may not even commit to the relationship.

7. They don’t ask about your inner world. They’ll ask about your day, your schedule, the surface-level stuff…but not your feelings, fears, dreams, disappointments, or emotional reality.

8. They can talk “about” emotions but can’t feel them. They might sound emotionally intelligent, but they freeze, shut down, or get defensive when they’re expected to show it.

9. They shut down during conflict. By stonewalling, avoiding, getting defensive, giving the silent treatment, walking away, and leaving everything unresolved

10. They rarely apologize with depth. Mostly they won’t apologize at all, and if they do apologize, it’s surface-level, like: “Fine, sorry.” “Okay, my bad.” “Let’s just move on.” This apology lacks real accountability, empathy, and a genuine understanding of what actually happened.

11. They personalize your emotions. When you’re sad, they feel attacked. When you’re hurt, they feel accused. When you’re anxious or crying, they feel burdened. In essence, your feelings become problems, not invitations to connect. Because they are the ones who are disconnected from their own inner world and emotions, vulnerability feels scary as hell. They actually never learnt how to be okay with vulnerability.

12. They can do the “bare minimum” romantic stuff. Like dates, messages, gifts, physical proximity, but emotional presence, vulnerability, reassurance, these they cannot do.

13. They avoid labels, definitions, future plans. Anything that requires clarity makes them uncomfortable and ambiguity is their safe zone.

14. They react strongly to your emotional intensity and often in dismissive, invalidating ways. When you express something real, they may say things like: “You’re overreacting.” “You’re too emotional.” “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

15. They give you just enough to keep you there. A good moment here and there, some warmth, a promise, some crumbs of affection but never enough to build a safe emotional foundation.

As a result, you end up feeling lonely even when you’re in a relationship and at times it takes a really long time for you to figure out why. And that’s mostly because either you aren’t aware of your own needs and are too busy settling or are running after the potential you see in them while ignoring reality.

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” ~ Carl Jung

The thing is that being in relationship with someone who’s highly emotionally avoidant is extremely difficult and challenging no matter how much you love them, because for love to sustain, it needs a fertile emotional landscape. A landscape built on and by emotional openness, communication, flexibility, willingness, and ability to hold vulnerability, accountability, repair, and the need to put the other and relationship above ego.

It comes by learning each other’s language instead of forcing one another to adapt to just one. Without this, the emotional landscape turns ice, cold, barren, with both people on opposite ends rather than standing together, and the one who is always reaching out for connection is the one who’s left lonely, empty, drained, and often questioning their self-worth.

“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives—and this is not exclusive to romantic partnerships.” ~ Esther Perel

It’s not about changing the avoidant partner but taking stock of the following:

>> Your own emotional needs and to what extent you are being truly met by your partner.

>> Communicating your needs time and again not from a place of begging, pleading, or helplessness but observation to gauge if your partner actually has the desire, willingness, and capacity to step up.

>> Setting boundaries and limits to what you can and can’t expect.

>> Answering the question that if nothing were to change, would you stay or leave so that you can know where you actually stand.

At the end of the day it’s not about good or bad, right or wrong, but just understanding that everyone processes and has different levels of emotional needs.

Sometimes people can meet yours and sometimes they can’t, and when you find yourself in a dynamic which requires you to do the heavy lifting for both people in the relationship, then perhaps it’s time to think. If both people cannot grow into a dynamic together, then it’s time to make a different choice.

You can’t sustain relationships on the hope that one day the person will realise their potential and rise. They can, everyone can, should they wish to. But if that hasn’t happened time and again, then it’s time to stop calling the same number.

You might like this one too: 8 Reasons You keep Falling for Emotionally Unavailable Partners.

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