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Much of what is deemed “good communication” in the world of relationship counseling is actually dehumanization of the other.

We treat people in relationships with us as if they exist for the sole purpose of fulfilling our needs.

It’s as if as soon as we are in relationship with someone, we become entitled to their attention and acceptance. We give them tasks they will never be able to solve, or request things that are completely out of their control.

The reason our requests are often impossible to deliver is because no one can give us a feeling or, as Hannah Taylor eloquently says, “No one can engineer your internal experience.”

I know, because I’ve wanted my husband to make me happy.

I’ve hoped he’d make me feel more loved.

I demanded that he solves my security fears.

I expected him to learn to communicate better.

I complained that he did not share the mental load I carried of running our family of five humans.

Today I know that I employed what Marshal Rosenberg, author of the book Nonviolent Communication, called: “Suicidal way of asking” for my needs to be met.

“Suicidal way of asking” means asking in a way that guarantees that our needs won’t be met.

Requests have to be clear and specific.

They have to be made from self-responsibility and loyalty to my own experience by using words like “I, me,” rather than evaluating and judging the other.

They cannot be about ephemeral notions, because what feels like love or safety to me may be understood differently by someone else.

When we start talking about our needs from “I, me,” rather than focusing on where the other came up short, the whole relating dynamic shifts. Because rather than focusing on “not enoughness” of the other, we are actually focusing on where we feel deficient or needy in something.

And asking for what we need is a vulnerable thing to do.

Many of us carry wounds from childhood when at least some of our needs were not met. We’ve internalized that pain of unmet needs and as adults we often continue expecting that our needs will not be met.

Which means asking for help carries a real risk of rejection. And we’d do anything to avoid that pain.

Many of us have adapted by becoming hyper-independent.

But sooner or later doing everything on our own becomes an unbearable burden, which over time makes us resentful of people we share our lives with.

So we hold it all in, until it all blows up during an argument, when we start telling them all the worst things we’ve stored up about them.

By the time we start communicating about things that matter, it comes out aggressive and violent.

And whenever we come into our relationships aggressive and violent, it closes the door of communication.

Because this approach violates other people’s desire to collaborate.

Think of it this way: how do you feel whenever someone tries to pressure or influence you? Or when they feel entitled to your help rather than asking if you are willing or have the capacity to help? You experience resistance, right? You usually close in and are no longer open to receive the request of your partner. Or you may do it, but begrudgingly, which will cost them later on.

Here are some common examples of “suicidal” communication:

>> “You never care about me—you always put work first.” (blame, which pushes the other away)

>> “If you loved me, you’d do X.” (a demand that judges or doubts the sincerity of feelings)

>> “I can’t live like this.” (dramatic, shuts down productive conversation)

Even though these statements come from real pain, their form and delivery make it hard for others to hear the underlying need—and so the plea often has the opposite effect and creates even more disconnection.

The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) alternative transforms a “suicidal” expression into a life-connecting one through these clear four steps:

1. Observation—state what happened without evaluation.

2. Feeling—name your emotion.

3. Need—name the unmet need behind the feeling. 

4. Request—make a clear, doable request (not a demand). 

Naming feeling and need helps the listener remain open to hear the human need, rather than automatically shut down in response to the perceived attack. 

Making a concrete request gives the other person a clear path on how to help, rather than trying to guess what that may be.

This nonviolent way of communication helps reduce potential escalation and opens the door to collaboration—which brings us the results we actually want, and is the opposite of the “suicidal” dynamic Rosenberg warns about.

Here is an example of how NVC method can transform a conversation:

Blame: “You never listen to me!”

NVC: “When you look at your phone during dinner (observation), I feel hurt and lonely (feeling) because when we share a meal it is an opportunity for us to connect and give each other attention (need). Would you be willing to put your phone away for the rest of dinner so we can talk? (request).”

Do you see the difference?

The blaming version just attacks and dumps everything on the recipient. The NVC version sounds more vulnerable and self-responsible, and the request is made with respect to the other person.

Now try to shift your own phrasing with these quick practice prompts:

>> Think of a frequent complaint. Rewrite it with the following steps in mind: observation → feeling → need → request.

>> Practice formulating as follows : “When X happened, I felt Y because I need Z. Would you be willing to…?”

>> If you find yourself on the receiving end of blame, try reflecting the need back to them: “It sounds like you’re needing connection—is that right?” This reframe often de-escalates a conversation. 

Try this at home and let me know what changed in comments!

Remember: effective communication with others requires:

>> assuming self-responsibility

>> self-awareness and capacity to discern your own feelings and what they tell you about your needs

>> ability to be with the discomfort of your inner processes, so that you can communicate effectively from enlightened self-interest, and help your partner help you.

~

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