There’s a quiet exhaustion in me.

I can’t remember when it first appeared. When I first noticed it. Or if it’s been there longer than I can remember, simmering under the routine of every day.

Some days I tell myself it’s hormonal. I’m a woman. I’m over 40. I had a baby 15 months ago. Is it perimenopause or postpartum? Who knows.

Some days I tell myself it’s motherhood. I’m a full-time stay-at-home mom. I’m a part-time work-from-home mom. There’s always something to do, someone to take care of. A to-do list to check off. A responsibility that needs handling. And the realization that there are never enough hours in the day to get it all done.

Some days I tell myself it’s my relationship. Redefining a partnership while figuring out this whole parenting thing is tough. There’s pressure and resentment and lack of sleep and desperately trying to find (and be) the people we fell in love with years ago.

Some days I tell myself it’s loss. The loss of my old life. The loss of the time I once had to take care of myself without interruption. The loss of the freedom I had to make decisions based solely on what I wanted or needed.

Some days I tell myself it’s the state of the world. Because what the actual f*ck?! We all know this is madness, and yet it often feels like there’s nothing we can do to stop the crazy.

Some days I tell myself it’s my family. Or my job. Or the mess in my closet. Or my anxiety. Or the stress of the holidays. Or the added pressure of an impending new year. Or the last 10 pounds I keep trying to lose.

And some days, I tell myself to stop trying to figure out why.

Stop trying to get answers. Stop trying to fix what is. Stop looking for solid ground when maybe things are just meant to be shaky right now.

To accept the maybes without labeling them good or bad.

To be okay with not knowing everything…or anything.

To take a guess and a wrong step and forgive myself and forgive others. Rinse and repeat. Every single day.

Yes, even when that quiet exhaustion bubbles under the surface.

As we head into a new year, if the ground beneath you feels shaky, I hope these two quotes can calm the quiet exhaustion inside you:

“To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is.” ~ Pema Chödrön

“Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.” ~ Agnes De Mille

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