The women choosing the bear debate that came to light in 2024 may have taken a back seat to some other controversial debates, but it certainly hasn’t disappeared.

It’s been simmering quietly in the background and still holds relevance and importance when discussing the safety of women.

Let me again provide clarity of what this debate is about, for those who are unaware or cannot understand this metaphorical choice: a man’s intentions are never clear no matter how nice they are; a bear’s intentions are.

It’s not all men, but the reality is, how do we know which men are safe and which aren’t? This is the whole premise of this debate.

What’s interestingly come to light throughout this debate is the men who are consciously or unconsciously also choosing the bear when it comes to their partners and daughters. Some men when asked the question about their partner or daughter being in the woods with a bear or a man are choosing the bear for the same reason women are choosing the bear. And some men may not realise they too are unconsciously choosing the bear every time they don’t want a man around their daughter.

Instinctively, men know how dangerous and predatory some men are, yet some men make women feel like they’re being insecure, overly fearful, or paranoid for taking precautions; the cognitive dissonance is like a neon sign.

I recently had a conversation with a man about this topic. He mentioned he thought the debate was ridiculous and nobody in their right mind would choose a bear. He has a young daughter, and I asked him this one question, “Would you hire a male babysitter”? The answer was, as suspected, an unequivocal no. I said, “What if they came with great references”? He said it wouldn’t make a difference. I asked why and he responded that he wasn’t prepared to take that risk. He unconsciously chose the bear, and I told him that. He looked perplexed, and I explained by him not choosing the male babysitter because of the possible risks, he chose the bear because his instincts were of potential fear, risk, and uncertainty of what a male babysitter could do.

You see, every time a woman chooses the bear, she’s choosing it because of the potential risks, danger, and uncertainty. She’s choosing the bear because there’s no uncertainty or confusion of who a bear is and what they are capable of. All those feelings this man had of risking his daughter’s safety with a male babysitter are the same feelings a woman has about risking her safety with a male she does not know and sometimes a male she does know.

Unfortunately, predators and violent men can look like any other man, including “nice” men, and often they are adept at playing the “nice guy” role. They can wear suits. They can wear uniforms. They can work in hospitals. They can hold positions of power. They are sprinkled everywhere. And other men know this, otherwise they wouldn’t have a concern about leaving their daughter with a male babysitter.

So whilst it isn’t all men, good men know, and statistics tell us, it’s enough men for women and children to fear. And that’s why some men are also choosing the bear.

The truth is, we don’t want to have to choose a bear. But the debate has raged because it’s opened up a much needed dialogue on violence toward women and children. And the debate has shown some really ugly parts of humanity. There’s the group of men who have encouraged women to go into the woods in the hope they are torn apart by a bear because that’s what they deserve. There’s the group of men who feel validated in their hatred toward women for having the audacity to call their behaviour out and choose a bear rather than choose them. There’s a group of men who are unfazed either way and think the debate is “stupid,” because they aren’t understanding the need or importance of this conversation. And thankfully, there’s the group of men who get it, who understand the reason this debate started and why it took off the way it did.

Any man who blames a woman for being raped and abused is the reason the bear is chosen. Any man who blames a child for being raped and abused is the reason the bear is chosen. Any man who doesn’t see we have a male violence epidemic is the reason we need to choose the bear.

All around the world, we hear horrendous stories of abuse, and yes, I acknowledge men can absolutely be the victim of abuse and violence, but statistics show us they too are more often than not victims of other men. Violence is not perpetuated on men by women nearly as often as the violence women and children face at the hands of men. Anyone disagreeing, I challenge you to write your own article. I challenge you to look at the facts.

Share with us your fears to walk or run alone. Tell us about your concerns of being drugged and raped or held down and raped. Give us examples (known legal cases) of the wives who have been charged for drugging their husbands and inviting strange women into their home to rape their husbands whilst their husband lay their unconscious. Provide the statistics of all the parents refusing to hire a female babysitter because they are concerned their child will be molested. Share with us the number of men who have been killed this past month by their intimate partner or ex-partner. Tell us all the female-dominated work places where men are finally accepted but are often taunted, bullied, and even abused until they leave. And lastly, give us the names of all the female podcasters encouraging women to not accept no as an answer or are inciting any sort of hate, abuse, or violence against men.

Sadly, this is our reality, and it’s a privilege to not face these same fears or understand the impact because it doesn’t happen to you.

Good men know the statistics. Good men know women and children who have experienced physical, sexual, and emotional abuse perpetrated by other men. Good men know their reality is not the same as our reality. They don’t have a need to argue or project because these conversations don’t threaten their behaviour or who they are as a man. And that’s why they too are choosing the bear for the women and girls in their lives.

Choosing a bear over a man should never have become a debate but rather a conversation starter. There should be curiosity over why so many women and some men would choose a bear.

We live in a world that sadly witnesses too much violence and far too much violence toward women and children from men, who are supposed to be our protectors. Choosing the bear is simply a reaction, a voice, a need for the amount of violence to stop. It’s a call to action in a society that continually buries its head. In a world that seems to want to silence victims. It’s a scream for change.

It’s not unwarranted fear. Nor is it negative thinking or paranoia. It’s true we can’t live in fear, but the reality is, as women, we need to take far more precautions. It’s commonsense to constantly evaluate the risks because the alternative is leaving ourselves open and vulnerable to danger, and the sad truth is, sometimes even with the best risk evaluation it isn’t enough.

The good men know this. They empathise with our plight. They themselves fear all the potential hazards their daughters will face. How many mothers and fathers are concerned with their son dating and give the girl they are dating a lecture? It rarely happens because they don’t see a girl as a likely risk, yet nearly every father sees their daughter’s boyfriend as a risk, because they know there are too many dangerous men out there.

Nobody wants to have to choose the bear, but until there is more safety for women and children, the bear is the safer option.

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