Seeing my abusers’ posts on social media, free, alive, well and apparently living their best lives makes me furious, but moreso, it makes me call bullshit on this idea that ‘karma will get them in the end.’ From rape to inappropriate touching, to narcissistic, emotional and psychological abuse, and everything in between, none of my abusers will ever spend a day in jail or will suffer even an ounce of what I’ve had to endure, because of their actions. 

Unlike them, I’m still carrying the weight of all their toxic garbage in my body; it has manifested in several debilitating, chronic illnesses. It has manifested in my inability to forge a lasting, functioning romantic relationship, or to live without financial stress. Despite years of therapy, I haven’t been able to totally shake the trauma off, and I still find myself triggered on a pretty regular basis.

I wish that this world was a more fair and just place, and I wish that karma really did exist, but it’s a lie. I’ve only had the opportunity to directly confront two of my abusers, but it seems that denial is the best thing for them, because after they made a firm protestation of their innocence, they went on to enjoy their lives, seemingly guilt-free. Because I knew it was my word against theirs, and because in every case they had more money and a higher social standing than I did, I was never able to press charges or file complaints against them. I knew that my fragmented memories weren’t enough in the eyes of the courts to be guaranteed a victory. 

If karma was actually a real thing, they should be penniless, disgraced and wracked with guilt, and I should be the one who is free, but I’m not. I still bear the scars and the secrets, I fight off the shame and the self-loathing, that never belonged to me in the first place. I’m the one with post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression, and now fibromyalgia too. I haven’t seen any evidence to date that any of my known abusers are suffering in the least. Believe me, I’ve looked for it, even when it was painful to do so.

So don’t talk to me about karma, or justice, because those are two things I will never see in action in my own life, though I still fight like hell every day, so that other survivors are vindicated. I’ve had to let go of the concepts I’ve grown up with, like karma, or forgiveness, and to focus on healing and forgiving myself for the years of abuse I’ve heaped upon myself, in response to their evil actions. I’m gradually building my own belief system, and am trying to reconcile the discrepancies between my moral compass, and the realities of the world around me.

At least I know that my conscience is clear, and that if we do carry the weight of our sins into our next lives I have nothing to worry about.