I used to think the growth was in the difficult, in the pain, in the triggers. I used to think a relationship was meant to bring up my unresolved wounds and that in facing all of this, I would find healing..

And yes we face our biggest wounding in our closest relationships and it can be an amazing opportunity for growth. But we have to know how. When we open our hearts, we open our wounds with it.

We can’t live in the light while banishing the dark.

We have to learn how to deal with these wounds with gentleness and care, in a way that it actually brings healing and is not putting salt in the wound aka recreating another painful experience.

For a long time, I kept repeating the same shit from the past only to have a new painful drama recreated in the now.

All in the name of ‘’healing’’.

I mostly had an exhausted nervous system that was in constant fight, flight or freeze mode. It felt so exhausting. It drained my energy. It blocked my creative life flow. It made me feel disconnected, frustrated and lonely.

Because I didn’t know what it actually meant to take full responsibility for myself. Because I didn’t know I had to change my beliefs. Because I didn’t know how to deeply honor myself, love myself fully and set real boundaries. Because I didn’t know how to be with myself, feel myself and hold myself. Because I didn’t know how to love and nurture my inner child.

I can hear myself repeating: ”I want you to hold me, honor me, love me and see my beauty.” But how could I expect to receive all of that from him if I didn’t even know how to give it to myself? I had shadows (unresolved wounds) following me around not knowing they were there. Until the point that it became so painful that I knew I had to make a change.

I chose to face my pain. I opened and allowed myself to fully feel all that I felt. I started to be there for myself and be with myself. When I finally choose the way IN I saw what had kept me from living my fullest potential.

What I found was a frightened little girl inside me that felt ignored and abandoned..

And for a very long time, she was running the show of my life. She was in charge and not my adult self. Of course, I didn’t feel safe, honored or loved ENOUGH, no one could ever give me this love but me.

A ton of amazing lovers could not make up for the relationship with my inner child that I abandoned.

So, I started taking real responsibility for my inner world and for my experience. I started to face what I had been running from. I sat with myself in the burning sensation – without blaming anyone. Just feeling and allowing.

I started making my state of being, my vibration my priority above anything else. I started setting real boundaries and let no one come close to me that could not honor and love me the way I deserve. I started being really honest with myself and others. I started to feel myself deeply. And I started to see, feel and know how fking beautiful and powerful I am. How loved I am. And that no one can ever take from me my possibility to open my heart. My openness to love.

..

And then I found out a different way of living and relating was possible. Because when we change inside, the outer world changes with us. Everything looked different. I started to create my life in the most beautiful way.

I created my relationship(s) as a container for growth in ease and flow.

And so it did.

The constantly triggering each other transformed into a space of feeling safe and loved. I moved from fear to trust. Little did I know that if I finally let go and go inwards, all that I longed for would come to me with so little effort.

This IS possible for everyone. All we need is an open mind and the willingness to do our inner work.

Allowing ourselves to feel.

Healing ourselves with awareness and love.

Taking full responsibility for our wounds.

In softness, openness, and honesty.

First and foremost to ourselves, for ourselves.

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