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Can you tell me a little about yourself?
I am different—special, even. I am special. I have thoughts and ideas and stories and wisdom the world has yet to experience.
How did you hear about the position?
I watched a Netflix Documentary on Sylvia Plath and I thought, “I wouldn’t kill myself if I could write that well.”
What do you know about the company?
You guys have excellent benefits; love, respect, adoration, up to 365 vacation days a year.
Why do you want this job?
I am tired of blogging.
Why should we hire you?
I was a quite successful blogger, but I don’t want to use advertisements, so it hasn’t made me much money.
What are your greatest professional strengths?
I am very low maintenance. I can stare at a wall for hours and still be working.
What do you consider to be your weaknesses?
I have to get up from my chair twice a day to walk my dog, Hemingway.
What is your greatest professional achievement?
Once someone commented on my story and said, “I wish I could write like that.”
Tell me about a challenge or conflict you’ve faced at work, and how you dealt with it.
My grandfather told me to stop writing in my notes while we were building our deck, but he insisted on reminiscing the whole time about how he met my grandmother. It was a great story. We just went back and forth with him telling the story, then I’d stop working to take notes, he’d yell, and it’d start all over.
I dealt with it by telling him that I wanted to be a writer, which was more important than building the deck. He threw a hammer at me, but I got a B on that story in my creative writing class and he’s dead now. So, it’s all good.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Reclusively famous.
What’s your dream job?
I would like a life completely devoid of people I don’t like, but I would love it if they’d respect and admire me from afar.
What other companies are you interviewing with?
Stay-at-home dad, I had an interview with them last week. Asking my parents for money made me an offer just the other day. Let’s just say, I’ve got options.
Why are you leaving your current job?
They require me to do things that other people want me to do.
Why were you fired?
I didn’t want to do the things they wanted me to do.
What are you looking for in a new position?
Advancements in posthumous-fame opportunities.
What type of work environment do you prefer?
I’d like to work when I am inspired to work, you know what I mean?
What’s your management style?
I throw things. Not at anyone in particular and they don’t ever get hurt unless they choose to uncrumple what I’ve thrown and read it aloud.
What’s a time you exercised leadership?
There was this open mic night at my university and I was supposed to read my poem second, but Jane, the moderator, bumped me to third so George could read his sonnet, but I’d been there last Tuesday and I helped start the open mic nights anyways, and George hadn’t been there in ages so I used my seniority and told Jane I’d leave with my friends—who were most of the crowd anyway, and so she put me second.
What’s a time you disagreed with a decision that was made at work?
I’ve received rejection letters from 762 magazines and I think they all made the same wrong decision.
How would your boss and coworkers describe you?
A talented and introverted genius who they like to hang out with in “doses.”
Why was there a gap in your employment?
I was happy for a while.
How do you deal with pressure or stressful situations?
There is a corner where my bed meets the wall and if I shove my face in there really hard, the pressure on one side and softness of the other make it more difficult to organize my failures.
What would your first 30, 60, or 90 days look like in this role?
Do you know how when you take a fresh bottle of Pepsi and shake it really, really hard until you can feel the tension in the plastic like all of the world’s screams are sitting inside? Yeah—like that.
What are your salary requirements?
In the J.K. Rowling range would be ideal, but I’d settle for a Neil Gaiman, or even maybe that guy who wrote those magic dust polar bear books.
What do you like to do outside of work?
Think about work.
If you were an animal, which one would you want to be?
Pigeon.
How many tennis balls can you fit into a limousine?
Depends on what else is in the limousine.
Are you planning on having children?
My stories are my children.
What do you think we could do better or differently?
Well, I do “like4like” a lot to grow my audience, but sometimes I get distracted and don’t like the people back and so I feel bad and have to relax in my face-corner.
Do you have any questions for us?
Could I borrow some money for marketing?
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*These questions were taken from an article on The Muse, you can find them here.
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