Using attraction and sexual energy for good.

When I was in my 20s, every time I felt an attraction to someone, I mistook it as sexual or romantic.

I went through dates and relationships like they were going out of style because it didn’t take long to realize that the attraction wasn’t always romantic—or lasting.

This sometimes led to shame, guilt, awkward, cringe-worthy exchanges, and unnecessary feelings of rejection or hurt (on either end).

I tried to shift this pattern for years! I experimented with open relationships and alternative relationship models.

I stopped drinking alcohol (that definitely helped). I was celibate for a few years and fueled all my energy into my creative projects.

I was repressing my sexual energy because I didn’t trust myself.

Sexual energy can be intoxicating. It can take over our mind and better judgment, and we can waste precious time and energy if we don’t learn how to redirect it. 

So, I started to get curious about tantra and tried a few classes. But I stumbled upon dark energy tantra and experiences that lead me to re-traumatize the sexual trauma I was trying to heal.

During a dark night of the soul a few years ago, I finally came across an amazing course that taught me pure tantric energy exercises to gently move sexual energy through my body and transmute it into sustainable energy.

I then discovered the magic of what that energy really is. It’s lifeforce energy; it’s creative energy, at the essence; it’s unconditional love.

When we can move our sexual energy through the body and not feel the need to disperse it as soon as we feel it, it nourishes us like food. In contrast, the old, conditioned way of releasing our sexual energy can leave us feeling depleted.

I began to have the best orgasms of my life—alone! (Sorry, exes, you were amazing, but this was even better!)

What in the past had felt like a climactic blast of energy for a short moment was extending for minutes—spreading through my whole body!

Not only was the experience more pleasurable, but afterward, I felt the bliss continue to pulsate through my body, leaving me with more energy rather than less.

Most of us have been conditioned to use the wrong fuel to power our sexual desires. We’ve been taught to burn toxic fossil fuels and wear ourselves out, but we have renewable energy available (literally) at our fingertips!

In the last few years, I’ve been focusing on dating without intimacy (basically getting to know people as friends), and that has been the most insightful and eye-opening.

When I haven’t ruined the connection by physicalizing it, I’ve noticed that often my attraction to someone can be:

>> a creative partnership

>> a friendship

>> inspiration to start a project I’ve been putting off

>> encouragement to be more authentic with who I am

>> an indication of something that needs to be healed

Through this process, I’ve seen that sexual attraction is rarely an indicator of the potential for a long-term relationship. It’s often just a pointer to an experience or growth opportunity that I’ve been seeking.

When I was young, I’d sometimes hold back being my full, joyous, loving self out of fear. I didn’t want a friend or date thinking I was romantically interested because I didn’t want to hurt them or deal with the awkwardness of rejecting them. (I’d sometimes bring up marriage in an attempt to scare them off!)

Or I’d waste hours thinking about the person. You know, when your mind starts running away trying to work out if this person is “the one?”

I’d build up a whole fantasy of who the person was before I really got to know them. And then I would get upset when they didn’t live up to the expectation I had made up of them in my mind!

Honestly, the fantasizing part still happens sometimes, but now I’m aware of it. I can laugh at that part of my mind and stay present with it.

Now I show up as my fullest, most open-hearted self when I connect with people without worrying if I’m “giving the wrong signals” or leading someone on, without putting expectations on what’s to come of the connection.

If I feel an attraction, I get curious about what it’s about and explore it like a scientist ready for a new discovery.

And when we do that, it not only takes the pressure off, but it allows connections to flourish and simply be whatever they are destined to be, whether that’s a meaningful conversation, a lesson, a creative partnership, a friendship, or maybe something more.