All couples in close relationships get into arguments, right?

Fighting as a couple is unavoidable. If only you knew the secret to good communication.

Well, I have it!

If you want to maintain your relationship or marriage, you’re going to have to commit to learning how to communicate better.

Becoming a better communicator isn’t just about talking and getting your message across to your partner. There are many variables to good communication.

To begin with, you need to be a good listener. Then you have to be able to talk in a way that your partner comprehends what you’re saying. And here’s the thing, really good communication is a two-way exchange.

It’s important to understand even if you are a master communicator, and you’re a good listener, the rubber meets the road when you are under stress and at odds with the person you love most. If you, or your partner, are not present, or one of you gets defensive when you argue, that isn’t exactly good communication.

So how can you communicate better, especially when you’re in the middle of an argument? In a couple, like a marriage, or a very high stakes relationship, when you’re communicating with someone, you’ve got to be able to track your audience. There is a lot more to this. Let’s take a closer look at the secret to good communication.

What is attuned communication?

When conflict happens at home, how do you and your partner communicate? Does one do most of the talking, while the other pulls away and takes space to think? Or do you both start talking without listening to what the other person is saying? In this case, you both are not attuned with each other.

Attuned communication is when you “tune in” to your partner and they “tune in” to you. When you practice attuned communication it means you’re aligned with your partner’s emotional needs and moods and vice versa.

Having attuned communication in your relationship shows that both of you are good at recognizing the emotions and moods of your partner. You both respond with the appropriate behaviors and communication based on your partner’s emotional state.

We want you to attune to your partner, so when they look away, you pause from talking. Or when they roll their eyes, you stop talking. You want your partner to be with you, right? If you want to be understood, you need the other person to be attuned to you.

Here’s a short video on the secret to good communication:

When you both develop attuned communication, it can help repair a disconnection in your relationship. Let’s say your partner gets defensive while you’re talking and says, “I’m listening” and they roll their eyes as you continue talking. You can say, “Hmmm. I’m going to communicate with you when you’re ready to actually be here. Your eye-rolling tells me that you’re not interested in what I’m saying.”

So we got to learn how to talk in a way that has the other person stay with us. And the moment you feel dropped or ignored by them or your partner rolls their eyes, you stop because you want to feel understood.

You want a nice rhythm where you speak, and they reply with, “Oh, okay, was it this or was it that?” When you both speak to each other where your both present, this is really good communication, and your connection is restored.

How do you practice attuned communication?

As I mentioned before, the secret to good communication is attuned communication. In a relationship, here are three practical tips you both can practice to be attuned to each other.

Stop multitasking

Stick to multitasking when you’re alone. But when it’s time to communicate with your partner, stop multitasking and give them your undivided attention. When both of you are focusing on each other, and not on multitasking, you’re more likely to communicate clearly. Doing the dishes while listening is multitasking. Stop and turn toward them.

Put down the screen

Similar to multitasking, looking at your phone while your partner is talking to you is distracting and shows you’re not giving them your full attention. When having a discussion, be sure there aren’t any electronic gadgets or phones in front of you.

Engage in active listening

When you engage in active listening, your partner is calm and concentrating on what you are saying. They aren’t rolling their eyes or looking away when you speak. Active listening involves interrupting them to clarify what they are saying. It means you are physically looking at each other and making eye contact while giving a thoughtful response to what the speaker said afterward.

Try practicing these tips and observe how well you listen to each other without distractions. When the two of you make this kind of effort, you’ve achieved attunement in your relationship and unlocked the secret to good communication.

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