Are you tired of hearing others say that you are attracting bad relationships or narcissists into your life by default?

Is this the result of your own vibrational frequency or is it the law of attraction?

You have the right to feel annoyed by the idea—it’s not at all true.

You are choosing it by engaging in it.

You are not a magnet for disaster; you seek it out subconsciously. Why would we possibly seek out a bad relationship?

Most times it’s all we know, and we are creatures of comfort. Humans love to feel understood and comfortable, so they usually gravitate toward similar situations and relate to others they feel at ease with.

Another reason may be that we don’t feel worthy of more or better—it’s easier to stay the victim than taking radical responsibility for ourselves. If we feel that life or the world is against us, we may be comfortable with that belief, and we may never realize that we have the power to change that.

If we grew up in a narcissistic family dynamic, for example, we would most likely choose a narcissistic partner in our future. Most of the time, we are not aware this is even happening. Most of our world views stem from our early experiences in life. We collect more as we grow older and our experiences turn into beliefs that become deeply seated. Our emotional responses, thoughts, and feelings are on autopilot.

Subconsciously, we look for a partner we idolized in childhood. If a person with similar characteristics, appearances, and behaviors show up, you may call it similar energy; you may become irresistibly attracted to him or her.

This is not your fault, it’s your programming. But you may not know it.

You may say things to each other like, “You feel like home to me” or, “I feel like I’ve always known you” or, “You are my soulmate” before even getting to know the person properly.

If you carry old childhood abuse wounds, known or not, you may be lacking self-esteem and are needy of love and comfort. If your feelings are being validated and returned, you’ll soon be ass-over-teakettle in love with the other person.

Love bombing is typical behavior in narcissistic dynamics, and you may be falling for that because of the lack of empathy and love you received in your childhood or past relationships. You’re so-called soul mate may be using the information you inadvertently handed over to him (or her) about things you are looking for or were missing in your old relationship. They hand you all that you ever hoped for.

Who could resist that?

They take you to a jeweler to try on engagement rings because they know you’d never received one in your last marriage but never intending on buying one for you—giving you false hopes. Or maybe they show up with roses to surprise you after you told them how you never received roses, but always wished for them. Or they send you love notes and tell you they love you after hearing that your old partner never told you that they loved you.

Your old, wounded heart carries a deep hole that needs love and comfort. As children experiencing trauma, we have been imagining the knight in shining armor, on a white stallion, coming to save us from our lives and painful experiences. No one has come to save us as children, and we are still subconsciously hoping for that rescue.

This just isn’t fair, isn’t it?

On our journey of healing, we realize at some point that the only person that can rescue us is ourselves.

No one will ever come to save you but you. If someone acts as that savior, be aware that it is an illusion and a game they play; it’s not real.

When the bubble bursts, the illusion disappears, and you are left to deal with the naked truth of the resurfacing pain of your scarred heart from childhood abuse; like someone made a fresh cut through the old scars. It will all come back with a vengeance. All the past memories will resurface and bubble up to be reexamined and that can be quite messy.

The mess carries a message. Everything is here to help you remember who you are.

Your unresolved past experiences will be shoved into your face over and over again until you clue into what is really going on. Do you ever notice that your mind wanders into your past and will seemingly revisit random memories? It’s because those memories carry hidden clues and missed perceptions you need to become aware of in order to evolve yourself.

Don’t push them away; ask yourself what there is that you need to know about this memory.

Until you understand your own behavior and why you choose certain situations and people repetitiously, you cannot escape the cycle of abuse and distortion. You are responsible for figuring out what is going on, why you keep falling into those traps and keep choosing people that are not good for your mental and emotional well-being.

Look closely at your family dynamic and remember how you used to feel as a child. Can you see the connections?

Until you figure yourself out, you may not want to choose to engage in relations.

Focus on the relationship with yourself first. That little girl or boy you once abandoned because she or he was not acceptable? Get to know the whole of you completely—without exceptions—and embrace yourself; have your own back, always.

Address old feelings of shame and guilt, which relate to the beliefs that there is something wrong with you or that you did something wrong. Learn to establish and keep personal boundaries as a way to prove to your younger self or inner child that you are a safe person to be.

The more peace you reinstate in your life and into your being, the clearer your understanding of yourself and the dynamics in your life will become. When you know yourself well, you will stop choosing relationships that are unhealthy for you.

After knowing who you are, as a fulfilled and completely worthy human being, you will never fall for a narcissist’s game, because you no longer feel the need for external validation.