For both the fullness of freedom and the depths of love to be fully explored, we are asked to relinquish our tight grip on seeking what we see as safety, as well as burning away so many closely held beliefs on the nature and function of intimate relationship. We are asked to come to the fire of continual self-inquiry, where we will meet our fantasies and made-up stories about our self and the person before us again and again. We are asked to put down the dream of resting eternally in another.

The burning of all of this is what frees us into truth and so we get to live and play in relationship from much greater authentic Beingness. The risks are so much greater – to the personality – and so are the rewards to the soul.

A popular projection is that open relating is an excuse to avoid commitment. Whilst it certainly can be a legitimizing of superficial connection and abundant sexual activity without emotional maturity, it may also be a commitment to exploration of freedom and love beyond the limitations we have embodied. When undertaken with profound integrity and radical self-responsibility, it may be amongst the most paradigm shifting arenas for Love and consciousness to embody.

Leaving aside their legal, political and financial functions for now, all social contracts that imply permanence—such as marriage—are, in part, an attempt at alleviating existential dread. The pain of loss cannot be avoided. Not even if you bond for life—because life as a human ends.

As humans we are not static. Nor is nature or consciousness. We know this and witness it continually in our world. We know that change is the nature of consciousness evolving. Yet the human psyche tries to make sense of things, compartmentalize, control and create meaning and stories. Because it’s literally terrifying to admit that there is so much that we can’t control.

The deep existential terror is a primary motivator for much that we create as humans, in order to seek comfort, solace, and answers and to fill the void of alone that is encoded in every incarnated soul. This is the primal pain of perceived separation from Oneness and the fear of the ultimate meaninglessness of life. This primal terror is part of why we cling to structures, and to unfulfilling relationships, confusing the objective with the absolute.

What if? What if, we say, this works now? Let us do what works now. This is not nihilism or hedonism, but a mature and brave recognition of impermanence that does not compromise intimacy. Impermanence is not the same as meaninglessness.

Effective intimacy is not in direct correlation to time. It might be happy-ever-after, married for fifty years. It might well not be. The level of deep connectivity arises not from the form but from the foundation, honesty and aliveness of relating. It comes through courage and availability for vulnerable inquiry. Intimacy – like Love – is actually right here in this moment, with no guarantees – none.

We have been deeply programmed to partner with one, especially in western culture, even though all the statistics show that this does not work. As more people are awakening and exploring self-realization, there is a maturing appetite for conscious intimacy. Allied with the structuring of society into abnormal virtual isolation and the insanity and unsustainability of nuclear pods, and our Beingness is thirsty for what is true.

Thankfully, the spiritual fairy tales of twin flame have been decomposing in recent years, and more and more people are seeing through yet another layer of fantasy and story that keeps us limited. The advocates of transcendent non-duality may aspire to inner union that almost disregards the preciousness of human intimacy as the greatest catalyst for that inner marriage. Mainstream media sells the story of happiness and love as dependent on the perfect other. The truth, or at least, the richest arena for soul and personal growth, perhaps lies somehwere in the middle ground. Perhaps it lies in recognizing the ultimate commitment is to Love in its fullest sense AND when we can marry this to truth and honesty and courage with one or more partners in full exploration, we may be in this most intimate exploration of the Divine marriage through relating.

Dance is somatic intelligence and fluency and conversation is social and intellectual intelligence and literacy. Conscious relational skill requires both masculine and feminine dynamics – body, heart, spirit and mind all aligning in the dance. It requires a remarkable amount of refinement, intuition, and emotional strength to dance deeply in intimate connection; to face our chaotic vast, mysterious reality and embrace it all fully. A particular kind of elegance, intelligence and grace are called for, as well as masses of courage, to be fully in the dance. It takes a deep dedication to self- reflect and to question one’s thinking, to live from a baseline of interpretive flexibility rather than investment in right/wrong duality.

Are we willing to dance? As the beats fluctuate, the tempo picks up, as eyes meet unflinching? Two conscious beings are following the rhythm of something greater than they, the music of the Cosmos coursing through their veins. The pulse of the Universe is expansive – one where we don’t sacrifice freedom and we don’t run from love. The tenderness where our unlimited nature meets our egoic impulses to pull away is where we grow in Love, where we get to choose, again and again. This is the soil of intimacy. It can be terrifying to the person and nectar to the soul.

It is an art and a practice to be with what is, and dance with that, rather than to impose what we think it should be. It is also emotional maturing to release our grasping for fantasy and be fully with what is present. The insecurely attached system tells us to run. We avoid what it is we most long for through fault finding, seeking to change “the other” and longing for perfection that does not exist. If the Being before me is showing up, honestly, in their vulnerability, and in self-responsibility, in this moment, this is where the juice is.

Are we looking at who is really here in this moment? Or pulling an old bundle of memories and assumptions about who I presume you to be? Facing what is present rather than our ideas, calls us to the edges of vulnerability, facing what is not here, what is longed for, and what can be most terrifying of all, the well of connection. When we look in the eyes of another soul and melt into nothing, there is no space, no other, no story. And the ego needs to be sufficiently stable and integrated to not grab this and fantasize or run.

The clearer the mirror, the more we are turned back in to our own discovery and to make love to the shadow parts, the abandoned ones, the lonely child. We are too called to bathe in the adoration of the infinite, the endless, the ecstasy. This does not come through the other but can be inordinately catalyzed by the “we” space of interconnectivity.

When we are not fully comfortable and “in love” with who we are, we may lean too much into the other, or more commonly, our fantasy of them. We may lose contact with our own self. Our unloved child may seek the father or mother we never had. Our fearful parts that run from the ultimate primordial pain want to disappear into the other and into the temporary illusion of safety, to lose oneself.

…when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness. A mature person does not fall in love, he or she rises in love. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love… when a mature person gives love, he or she gives without any strings attached to it.When two mature persons are in love, one of the great paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. They are together so much that they are almost one. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Only freedom and love.” ― Osho

Intimacy is an ongoing evolving conversation, not an end point or destination. It can in fact encompass all the waves – connection and disconnection; space and closeness; alone and together. It can include the cycles of life, the seasons where you, or I, may be called to solitude or inquiry and the hours or days where skin and lips and sweat slide and merge and melt into one.

We may complete, or we may cycle back together, once or repeatedly, to nudge another layer, probe deeper, lean in further. If the wounded and protective ego is kept in check, Love will lead; the beacons of our soul will call.

This is the juiciest core of this dance – how willing are we to acknowledge the ego at play, with compassion and without self reproach – and to hold space as our own lover? Can we stand as Love for the shadows as they speak without letting them run the show? Or at least not for long. Can we bridge the apparent gap with such tenderness for the afraid parts and not turn from our Self that so wishes to explore the unified space?

If we enter the dance of union with the Beloved that is within, we get to reflect and investigate and die into This with other forms. Here is God/dess, union, death and birth. Here is orgasm and void, creation and emptiness. Here is our deepest vulnerability and greatest power. Here we come together as sovereign explorers of and as Love and freedom.

Ultimately, what we Are is undressed by the Lover’s hands, layer by layer, our shining beauty radiating in glorious innocence.