Becoming a mother; inner child to inner guide.

If you were to see my vision board, you would notice a picture of me as a three or four-year-old glued to it—a little girl with a great imagination and immense love toward everything in life.

Little did she know, it was about to go away. She was hurting, slowly shutting every part of her down to make a place in that puzzle that someone else had created for her—giving her minimal space for emotions of any kind. Because of the love she had for herself and the intention to survive, she needed to shut down. No one gave her the right knowledge or guidance.

In the times of the “shutdown,” I always had the dream of becoming a mother. When teachers asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, that was my answer.

Can you imagine a little four-year-old girl in her all red outfit and white sandals replying to her teacher, “ I want to be a mom?” With that sun-kissed blond hair and a big smile from ear to ear, she was so sure of her thing. Even if it was only for a second, her heart was wide open and connected.

This dream of mine has always been the utmost of all. Many times, I would live in the future where I would create a family of my own rather than living in the now—in the apathetic reality.

Though the more I have started to heal,
The more I have faced all the repressed emotions,
The more I have gotten to comfort the little Kajsa—my inner child.
I have come to this realization:

I already am a mother.
I am a mother of five—
Five daughters.
They are 4, 8, 11, 13, and 15 years old.
They are all called Kajsa.
They all have a strong need for being seen, listened to, and validated.
They all have the need for intimacy and love.
They all are my responsibility.

It is my responsibility as a mother to guide these “big five” back into love, trust, faith, freedom, and hope for themselves.
It is my responsibility to have them fall asleep in my arms after crying out every depot of fluids in their body.
It is my responsibility to laugh with them when they are enjoying themselves.
It is also my responsibility to cheer for and encourage them when they do something they love and believe in.
When they finally have love, trust, faith, freedom, and hope for themselves, I will encourage and celebrate them.
The final responsibility is to reassure them that they are free to fly and explore the world of their own.

Until their little holes of lacking are healed and their wholeness (and holiness) is a fact, I will not have the opportunity to give a sixth child everything I wish nor everything they desire.

I never want to expose my children to the feeling of being number two.
I never want to expose my children to exclusion because of my lack of presence when I’m distracted by my own inner children.

I am dedicated to letting all of the five little Kajsas freely fly out in a love called “life” before I can teach the next how to fly.
I will take this responsibility.

If we do not take responsibility of our inner child or children, to heal and cherish them, how are we supposed to take the responsibility for a new, little life?
If we do not guide ourselves to love—how are we guiding anyone else to it?

Without facing our inner child, we are not facing nor learning about ourselves and won’t be capable of forgiving and accepting him/her (which is a crucial part to love us).

There is a truth to the saying: we have to love ourselves before we can love another.
Everything begins with us.
Let our inner child be our inner guide to parenting.

~