“We don’t get to choose when it rains. We can fight or just get washed away” — As I Lay Dying

“Learn to be comfortable alone. Learn not to rely on others for your happiness.When you can be by yourself and be happy, you’ve won the game. Others can and will often let you down. Be careful who you trust. One bad choice can really hurt you” — Rip Rogers

FYI: Ending an FWB situation can actually be worse (and more painful) than ending a real relationship.

January 2021: “I completely understand, we had a talk if feelings start to develop we’ll call it off. I’m not ready for relationships and all I’m sorry.”

February 2021: “How am I being vague? We said that, one day, this might come to an end and I’m just saying that we should stop. Like you said, I don’t do this thing a lot and it’s really not me technically. With all this going on in my life, I don’t have much time. You see how it is that I have to cancel a lot and I have things going on pressure and shit. I’d love for you to understand my point of view, I would like us to stop. I would love for you to not tell anyone about this. This is a private matter, no matter what. This is private business. Please, I am actually begging you here, understand where I’m coming from.”

March 2021: I go through social media. I discover he quickly gets engaged…and then, married. I also almost consider quitting wrestling.

“Are you blaming me for getting married?,” “It was all so sudden.”

“I am not blaming you for getting married but unfortunately, the situation you and I were in made me feel like I was being used after I saw you get married so soon after. I understand you kept it private, but finding out through social media was quite shocking. I could have just appreciated just having being told personally before, since you did mention to me that you weren’t ready for relationships (you see what feels more right) rather than finding out through social media. I didn’t remove you from Snapchat or Instagram because I was mad at you for getting married or anything personal, but I just needed that space so I wasn’t reminded about it. At the moment, I just need some space in terms of our friendship and I would like to take the time and recover.”

April 2021: I block him and cut him out of my life, so to freely and healthily move on — also, for the sake of both my emotional and mental health.

A situation like this should never exist. I just wanted (and still do want) to wrestle; not involve myself in this entanglement. It’s also why I wrote about the ill wills of casual hook-ups. It caused me a tremendous amount of both emotional and mental pain to the point I almost contemplated suicide. For someone who battles anxiety, this is very overwhelming.

In late August of 2020, I began my journey of pro wrestling. I’ve come a long way and will continue to do so. If there’s one thing I learned recently, it’s that the first year of learning how to become a pro wrestler is the hardest — not only because of the skill set, but also because of the people you get to work with. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. I got sexually involved with someone from the roster and it was one bad choice that really, really hurt me. No dating was even involved; just a bullshit friends with benefits encounter that should have never happened in the first place.

Although it almost seemed like a not so bad idea at the time, I still had so many reasons to say no from the beginning. For example, I should’ve told him, “I’m flattered, but I don’t want to get hurt. This sort of fling doesn’t usually lead to anything more.” You see, a casual hookup is almost like any drug you grab your hands on. In the moment, it feels so euphoric. Then, after a certain period of time, it makes you feel so low. Yet, you still crave and want more of it, and more than what it already is — I know I did. In particular, I easily got emotionally attached and caught feelings — that’s also a flaw I noticed in myself. As soon as I get into bed with someone, I sense and feel a huge chemical bond and can’t bring myself to detach afterwards. In addition, plenty of misleading, miscommunication, and misunderstanding occurs which potentially leads to not only the ending of a fling, but also the end of a friendship — which, is something I had to do.

It all began so quickly. Literally, it started right after a month I trained with him the first time, which was November 2020. I never even expected it to happen. Right after the first time we slept together, I wanted so much more. Naively, I was hopeful this time — hopeful that this time would be different, hopeful that this case would be different, hopeful that this could actually flourish into something else. No, you idiot. That’s not how it ever works. For crying out loud, get real with yourself.

Social media makes everything worse, too. You’re always wondering when he’ll respond to your texts on Snapchat, Instagram, or Whatsapp. You also ask yourself, “Will he see or has he seen my stories and snaps?”, “Will he like my posts?”, etc. I also used to have a little rush of anxiety wondering when I was ever going to see him the next time. I would also be so concerned if he was using me as a side piece. However, that’s also sadly quite common. And, in these type of situations, y’all are actually both placeholders until you find someone better. It really sucks. Also, how does that help to even maintain friendships? It doesn’t.

Since I clearly remembered he worked (and, perhaps still does) twelve-hour days as a technician, he used to tell me, “Whenever I’m with you, my stress goes away.” At that moment, I thought maybe, just maybe, he started to feel the same way I did and didn’t want to show it, yet. Hence, it was why I started telling my closest friends about this encounter. I got excited and was really hoping it could flourish into something bigger. However, there were a few times he had to cancel on me and that’s when I began to have my doubts.

I began to ask myself questions like, “Does he even really like me or is he just in it for the physical?” That’s when I began to debate and started asking those closest to me on what they thought or suggested I could do. I didn’t want to be vulnerable and lose the upper hand. In this case, especially for women, they usually need to wait for the man to admit whether they like her or not, and whether they want to be more than friends or not. In retrospect, without even realizing it in hindsight, I was already hurting by then.

Also, it’s not like I’m trying to play the victim or the antagonist, here. I own up to my actions, here.

January 2021: I told him why I thought we had to stop. I discreetly told him I wanted more, yet he was honest that he didn’t have time for “relationships and all.” Another thing that also sucked was the fact that I couldn’t even be mad at him for not reciprocating those same feelings. After all, I knew what I was getting myself into. I ignored all the signs, put my hopes up a little too high, and ignored almost everyone who told me it would likely end up this way. However, the next day, I decided to change my mind. Dude, stop being an idiot. Just end it right there. It won’t go anywhere. Then, I got injured during wrestling training — and, that is when shit hit the fan. He discovered I had told somebody and he wasn’t happy about that, at all. From that point on, I begin to have even bigger doubts.

February 2021: Two weeks after my injury, he agrees that I was right, after all. That, we had to stop. Yet, I am still wondering and asking myself, “Why?” “Did he even really like me?”, “Did he really care about me?”, “Was he always looking forward to seeing me?”, “Did he even ever enjoy his time with me?”, “Was I nothing but a stress reliever to him?”, “Did he really get concerned that this was going to get too much if I got more attached?”

You know what? Words are just words. One judges actions by emotions, not words. Action speaks louder than words. Enough said. If he really wanted to be with me, he would have made the effort. I wouldn’t have needed to even think twice about it. No need, at all whatsoever. I then wondered if all this was even worth it.

March 2021: I am not going to lie. I still hadn’t gotten over this entanglement. It was still taking me time to process my feelings. Even as I was maintaining our friendship, it didn’t feel the same anymore. It still felt awkward and a little uncomfortable. However, I was still giving it time to, hopefully, return back to normal and determine whether this was even a blessing in disguise. Well, it didn’t take two weeks later to discover what a fool I had made out of myself.

Two weeks later: I go through social media stories, until I stumble upon his. My heart sinks. “Engaged…? What? How? Was I used throughout this whole time? No time for relationships? What is happening…?

I try my best to bottle up my emotions as much as I can, until I can’t help it. I go to my sister’s bedroom and cuddle up with our dog to ease the emotional pain. I can’t help it. I can’t stop crying. “Why did this happen? Like, why? Was I not ever good enough? Did I really make a fool out of myself? This wasn’t supposed to happen, at all. I really thought it wouldn’t come to this shock. I really feel as if I’ve been punched in the gut. Slapped in the face. That’s it. I am quitting wrestling.”

My sister notices me crying and she, of course, asks what’s wrong. I tell her the whole thing.

“Sounds arranged or he’s a cheater. Either way, not a good guy. So, just not a great match. No reason to be so into someone who’s so blindly traditional.”

I tell my sister that I’ll most likely stop being friends with him, because the damage had already been done.

“Obviously, not. How is that even a question?”

I chose to not also quit wrestling. A good friend and my coach both confided in me. First of all, by quitting, I’m just simply running away and not getting rid of my problems. I either face my demons like a strong girl or I don’t.

A really good friend of mine gave me the push:

“Anna, I’m just disappointed you’re deciding on stopping wrestling because of a boy. You’re going to let your feelings for a boy who hasn’t appeared all that much diminish all of your hard work? You bumped, bled, and bruised in that ring, Anna. And, for that to all stop for a f*ckboy would be a huge waste. Your request for release has been rejected, see you next class.”

April 2021: Since last month, it’s taken me time to move on from and completely let go of this messed up entanglement. Just to forget about it. I’m so grateful for my incredible support system for helping me to get out of this messy situation. However, I decided to cut off all ties with the FWB guy. I just found it unhealthy to still be friends with him. Being remembered of everything that happened is just going to hurt me even more. Whenever I see him, especially with his new partner, that’s all I remember and the pain just comes back. And, I don’t need or deserve any of that in my life. Sure, it doesn’t have to be cutting him off forever. I gotta get used to seeing him at wrestling shows. However, cutting him off right now, for the time-being, has been one of the best decisions I’ve made this year. It’s for the best — including, and especially, for both my mental and emotional health. I deserve someone who likes me for me, and not lead me to experience an emotional or mental breakdown, ever again.