*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal views of the authors, and can not possibly reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here.

“I feel free with you.”

When he told me that, I knew he not only loved me but was also deeply happy with me.

How many men have you met who feel this way with their women?

I have been a quiet observer of relationship dynamics for years and I can see clearly how a woman who controls her man is ruining both her own life and her relationship.

It breaks my heart when I witness a relationship where the woman is “the man” in the relationship and vice versa. The natural roles are completely reversed. While some women are indeed more equipped and happier to play the “masculine” role in their relationships—most women do not actually enjoy it.

Even some of the most “successful” women in powerful positions want (or dream of) a strong man by their side whom they can rely on, trust deeply, and surrender to. Unfortunately, a lot of these women are not only bosses of their careers and businesses but also of their men.

They don’t know how to turn off their “lady boss” switch.

The sad reality is that these women then complain about there being “no good men around”—not realizing that a “good man” will not be attracted to a woman who wants to boss him around. He will not settle for that.

A healthy, masculine man doesn’t need parenting. He wants an equal, feminine partner.

We may have a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment when we live in the land of “I told you so,” “I was right,” and “When are you going to learn to listen to me?”

It bolsters a false sense of authority or superiority.

But, deep down, we know that we have treated him like a child. We have treated him exactly as we, ourselves, would not want to be treated.

We need to stop parenting our men. We need to stop telling them what to do, making decisions for them, planning their careers, their social interactions, and future paths.

Set him free. Watch him fall. And let him return victorious.

Only then you will have a man who you respect, deeply trust, and can surrender to.

This is the most challenging path a woman who is used to control, self-discipline, and management can take in a relationship.

It’s easier to just do everything for him and yourself (as well as others.) It makes you feel mighty. It also not only takes away power from him, but it removes all responsibility from his hands and puts it back into yours.

By the time I finally woke up to this reality that I was creating for myself, I was f*cking exhausted.

Chronic stress. Constant resentment and bitterness. Back pains. Shoulder pains. Inability to relax and surrender. Failure to feel and receive pleasure. Feeling numb. Our bodies will tell us. They might just give us the message in different ways.

Here’s how to know you’re on this path of self-destruction and the downfall of your relationship:

>> You’re trying to “arrange” a job for him.
>> You’re the main caretaker of the finances and the household at all times.
>> You’re the main decision maker of long-term plans, including where your relationship is going.
>> You find yourself telling him what to do more often than genuinely coming to him for advice.
>> He is “in trouble” more times than not.
>> He’s hiding things from you or lying.
>> He runs most of his decisions by you, even the color of his underwear.
>> He would rather ask for permission than be sorry.
>> He tries to play it safe all the time. With his decisions, plans, and life.
>> You keep comparing him to other men (or you’re often thinking about that other, alpha-male guy).

The disappointing, as well as tricky thing, is that your man will let you design this kind of life for him and he will play by your rules simply because it is easier and less stressful for him.

Men are wired in such a way that finding a path to less stress is what he actually values most. If he can get from Point A to Point B in less time and with less stress, that’s what he will choose.

A man looks for the easiest route to the goal. He wants to relax at the end. He wants to reap the benefits of his achievement—whatever they might be. He wants to put the least amount of effort to get the best result. It’s the most logical and rational path.

“If it’s not broken, don’t fix it,” is his life’s mantra.

Why work so hard if this specific result can be achieved faster by letting you, the woman, lead?

Of course, not all men will let you. If he is actively resisting you taking charge of his life, that’s a good sign. You’ve got a man on your side who is not willing to give up. Now, you just need to let him take charge.

What is the result he is looking for, you might ask?

To live a good, easy life and make you happy. That’s it. That is the secret to a man’s happiness.

Go ahead and ask any man around. He wants it easy. No stress. No drama. That doesn’t mean he’ll always get it. If only life and women could be that easy. Men have been trying to crack the woman code for centuries and they still don’t know what we want. To him, it’s quite bizarre that we would rather stop at Points C, D, and F (for various reasons) to get to Point B, sometimes. It’s not that simple!

He wants to come home after a challenging day at work and just f*cking relax. He doesn’t want to plan things, talk about things, listen to emotional storms, deal with all the drama of the world. He just wants to let his guard down and be left alone in peace.

A nice dinner, a beautiful woman, a smile—I am not implying that a woman’s role is to provide all that for him.

I am trying to illustrate a point of what he really wants and desires. Of course, it doesn’t really work this way most of the time. However, if it does work 50 percent of the time, he’ll take it.

Peace.

He just wants peace.

And if peace means letting you be the boss, he will do it. He will stop arguing, he will do what you tell him to do, just so that he can get some peace. Winning in arguments with you is not his priority. He did that all day at work. With you, his priority is tranquility and happiness.

This is why he lets you arrange the job for him, make his decisions, do what you tell him to do.

If your man lets you do all this, he has given up.

I recently witnessed such a relationship dynamic. It’s quite heartbreaking to see a grown man protracting his shoulders, letting his chin down, and having that sad puppy-dog face, knowing that he’s in trouble. Again.

He is tip-toeing around you more often than not. He has reached the point where he’s like “I’ll do whatever you want if that gives me peace.”

Do you want a man like this?!

I don’t. Because I won’t be happy.

This approach to life is bloody exhausting for any woman (although she might not even realize it) because she’s trying to be everything to everyone.

We have not let others “off the hook” because we can’t let ourselves walk freely in our bodies and our self-expression.

We don’t know where our boundaries are, we didn’t set them straight with others and thus, we are constantly crossing other people’s boundaries and letting them cross ours.

One of the biggest challenges we all have is letting others be free in their own will, desires, and behaviors. This is mostly the result of our inability to let ourselves be free, trust, and surrender to life and really enjoy and be at peace with what is. Thus we try to control our men, our children, and our own lives because it gives us stability, predictability, and a false sense of power.

But this constant tension is giving us lots of anxiety. Not letting us breathe and be in the flow. Not letting us ease and relax.

There is also nothing more devastating for a feminine woman than to be with a man she doesn’t respect. Her disrespect will also shine through all layers of her relationship. Your children won’t respect him. Your friends won’t respect him. His colleagues and your colleagues won’t respect him.

He’s down at this point.

The good news is that he can always climb back up. He has to do it on his own, though.

You can still be a great muse and an ambitious motivation for his goals but not by telling him what to do and controlling his life.

Here are the two most important steps you can take today to let go of control and let him step up:

Step 1: Stop Being the Man.

Stop asking around whether anyone has a job for him and try to use “your contacts” to get him that sweet promotion. You can greatly contribute to his career or job success but not by actually doing the work for him. Let him figure it out without you and trust that he will.

Delegate the responsibility of finances and household to him. This will be tough if you have been managing all the money until now. Try an experiment. Let him spend money on what he thinks is important. Leave his money alone.

Stop making long-term plans, especially about marriage and serious relationship decisions. Stop talking about marriage altogether. The worst thing you can do to a man is force him into marriage. He will resent you for it your whole life. Release yourself from this unnecessary burden. If he hasn’t proposed yet and you’ve been waiting for a really long time, you need to make your decision, not him.

Replace telling him what to do with asking for his advice even if you don’t really trust it now. Practice saying, “I don’t know” if he asks you what to do. Trust me, he will find a way or someone else he needs to consult. You’re not his career coach. You’re not his mother. You’re not his counselor. Release yourself from these roles. You don’t need to be involved in everything all the time.

Stop making him feel like he’s in trouble. He’s not a little boy who needs to be punished by your anger and disappointment. He’s not there to please you. Although he will do everything in his power to make you happy, it is not his responsibility.

Learn to manage your emotions and lick your own wounds. Your partner is not your emotional tampon or your therapist. Understand that your man can’t be everything to you. In fact, as John Gray says, he can only fulfill 10 percent of your emotional tank. Replace this resource of emotional support with other support systems. Your girlfriends, your mom, yourself. Learn to take care of your emotional and physical needs without him being the only one. That’s too much responsibility for anyone.

Stop criticizing him in front of other people. That includes your friends, your children, and your parents. Parenting him in front of others diminishes other people’s respect for him. Resolve your conflicts behind closed doors when no one is listening.

He’s hiding things from you because he tries to avoid trouble and arguments. Remember, he wants peace. What is he trying to avoid? Confrontation? Blame and scolding? Why is he hiding? Maybe he just needs permission from you to be free in his own space and time.

Give him space. Give him time without you. Let him do his “man things.” Let him have his cave. It’s important to him. He recharges by being alone and doing nothing (what seems to you like a mindless video game.) Let him have his grown-up toys.

Stop criticizing his hobbies and his friends. Focus on the positive. Encourage the time he spends with Johnny who has great ambition. Understand that sports and “stupid” video games give him the release he desires—not talks with you.

Let him make his own decisions. Practice saying, “Why don’t you decide by yourself? I trust that you will make the right decision. I’m late for a spa date with my girlfriends. Bye!” (Be ready for him to get it wrong. Don’t blame him. Just say nothing. He will realize his own mistakes.)

Let him take risks. He needs to live on the edge from time to time. He needs his testosterone running high. He needs to be out of his comfort zone. It’s scary, I know. What if you lose everything?! It’s okay. Let him take risks and fail. A man’s character is built up by challenge and failure. That’s how he learns. Not from you telling him to play it safe. Most successful men have failed multiple times.

A woman who can support her man in his crazy ambitions (with limits, of course) is a wise woman. He will attribute his success to you.

Let him “invest” in you. A man values what he spends his time, energy, and money on. If you can do everything by yourself and don’t really need him—he won’t see his value here. Why do you need him then? What is his contribution? Let him get involved in your work, your plans, give you expensive gifts, spend money on your health and beauty. Ask for what you need. Once he sees a positive ROI (you feeling rested and happy, looking great and in a great mood), he will want to invest more.

Stop comparing him to other men and complaining about him or your relationship with your girlfriends. Replace this talk with something else.

Let him fail. Be prepared that he will fail. Don’t say things like, “I told you so,” “I knew you couldn’t do it,” or “Forget it. I’ll do it all by myself.”

Once you implement even half of these points, proceed to step two…

Step 2: Replace the “Man Project” with the project of you.

Fill your free time with creative hobbies. Sign up for that painting or pottery class. Do something creative with your hands. Your creative life is your doorway to a deeper connection with yourself and your femininity.

Dance—I don’t mean like at clubs, but more like a sacred dance practice. Move those hips freely. Find some feminine movement classes. Learning to pole dance is a brilliant way to get started. Or try belly dancing, African dance, and salsa/bachata to get you in the flow of moving those hips and releasing the tension that’s been stored and frozen for so many years. (Queen B knows what I’m talking about.)

Get fit. Take care of your body. Sweat and release. Get some cardio and yoga in, get some sweat out. Make it a daily habit to take care of your body.

Take charge of your nutrition. Research and study your own body and get your nutrition in order.

Focus on self-development. The path to a healthy relationship with a man is through your own self-development and establishing a healthy relationship with yourself. Get that book, sign up for that seminar, get yourself a coach. Start listening to a podcast.

(Re)discover your pleasure, your own sensitivity, and sensuality. When was the last time you gave yourself a bath with some silky, luxury salts? How about some self yoni massage? Or an expensive trip to the salon? Arrange a boudoir photoshoot and watch what happens to your man when he sees the photos. (Best idea ever is to send him the photos via mail to work.)

Practice asking for help from men. All men, any men. Watch them light up when they feel needed. Watch them become the heroes of your life.

Prepare to appear weak and vulnerable. It will be most challenging. Understand that showing your vulnerability is not weakness. Expressing your emotions is not weakness. Taking a day off work on the first day of your cycle when everything hurts and you’re bleeding is not weakness. Telling him how you feel and that you’re hurt is not weakness. It’s you being a woman and embracing the full spectrum of your feminine depth.

Femininity is not weakness.

Quit hiding from the whole of who you are. You’re not too much. Say goodbye to and part with anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

Get really interested in yourself and your own life. Put yourself first. No, it’s not selfish. It’s how people should operate.

Set your own boundaries and keep them. Don’t let other people take advantage of your time, your agreeability. Don’t let your husband, your children, or anyone else walk all over your needs. Take care of your needs first, then help others.

Go on a trip with girlfriends. Establish and invest in deep, healthy relationships with other women. Not the girlfriend who always makes you feel small and unworthy. And not the colleague who constantly complains about how much of an asshole her man is. Think about what kind of life you want to live and how you want to feel. Align yourself and get close to women who live that life already or want the same thing. This support system is extremely important and will hold you sane when things get tough and unstable.

Work on your relationship with money. Understand that anyone has the capacity and the ability to earn as much as they need or want. It’s all about rewiring our beliefs about money and what they do for us.

Take radical personal responsibility for your life. Stop blaming the patriarchy, white men, your mother, or anyone else for not giving you what you deserve. If you think you deserve it, you will get it. There is nothing stopping you from living your best life besides you.

Work with a stylist. Most of us would think this is an unnecessary expense but miracles happen when you find and work with your color tone, get a haircut that suits you, start wearing makeup that actually makes you look more attractive, and start buying fewer clothes. Watch your wardrobe transform with pieces that you actually wear.

Study relationships, the masculine journey, and the concept of polarity. This is key to any relationship success. You need to understand what is really important to him, how he operates, and how to set him free.

Work on your femininity. Explore and embrace your feminine essence. Things will flow into your life. Your cycle will align with the moon. You will bloom and blossom. Your relationships will improve drastically and, most importantly, your man won’t recognize you.

Word of caution: this transformation is so powerful that it could be dangerous.

There are two outcomes here: either your relationship flourishes or it will actually dissolve. Your man will either stand up to the challenge or he will stand down. Be ready for this. He had settled for who you were before and might not be ready for this change and transformation. He might not want it. He might not be ready for it. That’s okay. Decide for yourself how bad you want it.

For me, things have ended in a break-up. I am not suggesting or implying that your story will end up the same. But there’s a chance it might.

After the breakup, I went on to develop and transform in unimaginable ways. From a caterpillar, a butterfly was born. This butterfly attracted a masculine man and a thriving relationship. This butterfly is now pregnant with another butterfly who will be soon born, spread her wings, and fly high.

~

If you want to break through the pattern of attracting feminine or unavailable men so you can attract and keep a committed masculine man, watch my free video training, here.