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I put my clothing back on again and have this emptiness inside me.
Like a ride, I have not enjoyed before.
I pretend it was amazing and that I feel so connected to this amazing person; the truth is I have never felt more alone and incomplete…yet again.
My grandmother used to say, “You are in love with love more than the person you are with.” At the time, I would smile and not even give this a second thought. But years after, I could see my necessity and desire to have an intimate connection with others was the way to avoid having an intimate connection with the most important person—me.
I was more in love with the idea of all the holes and insecurities this new person would fill inside me and so hooked on what an ideal relationship should be like, that I didn’t even give myself the chance to actually get to know this person. Beyond my idea and expectations of him, I didn’t truly see him. I didn’t listen to him, we wouldn’t connect, of course, and eventually, I confirmed, again and again, this person was not what I imagined, and turned the page so I could open a new one.
I was willing to judge and ask the person to change to fit into my fantasy love la-la land, but I didn’t even question that I had some major changes to do.
There is a universal truth that is difficult to digest and that has been the fuel for me to change. To improve, to open my mind to new ways of thinking, to be vulnerable and human enough to really see myself for who I am.
This truth is that I didn’t accept people for who they were and I couldn’t love them because I didn’t accept me and I sure didn’t love who I was. I didn’t even know exactly who I was or what was important to me.
You didn’t say you love me.
Why am I not a priority in your life?
I asked you to do this a thousand times.
You always.
You never.
I feel we want different things.
You are not who I thought you were.
And the list can go on and on.
I would give up easily because what was the whole point of trying for something that wasn’t even close to what I wanted?
For many years, I would rather live with a fake perfect fantasy than a genuine, real relationship.
How could I choose real over my idea of love, if I wasn’t even real with me?
Now, how does a person become like this or how does a girl learn to fantasize about a life that is not the one she is living?
I know we all grow up with different kinds of love and our family did the best they could, but sometimes we learn things as a kid that shape us into the adult we become and they are not always healthy or what we would have wished for. Our family was imperfect but they were real.
I recognize now that growing up, I would escape reality by grabbing a book and diving into a world that wasn’t mine. I would escape for hours and hours imagining I lived somewhere else, imagining having a loving family like I wanted them to be, picturing a beautiful childhood with my brothers and sister. I was physically there, but I wasn’t there at all. I learn what has been the most difficult pattern to unlearn.
I learned to disconnect and to fake being present in the moment.
I learned to not accept others, I learned to wish I was someone different, and I learned to avoid at all costs seeing things for what they really were.
From here, we can jump right into dating again, and again, and again hoping to find who I was and to find my imagined fantasy life in someone’s arms.
Everything that is worth finding is not outside in something physical or hiding in another human’s heart.
I am not saying meeting these people didn’t add to my life. Every experience is, in fact, a great teacher.
If how we treat the person we love is a reflection of how we treat ourselves, would we be pleased and joyful?
My craving to be touched was my heart and soul screaming: stop escaping; life is beautiful and you are too!
Accepting who we are
To accept, we require openness to get to know ourselves. To question what we see about ourselves, what we love, what we want to change or improve. What do we pretend we don’t see? Where do our reactions come from? Who is the person we want to be and can we accept that we can start today to make better choices?
Life is too short to not be real.
Real and messy is far greater than fake and perfect.
No one else holds the control to lead our lives but us.
We can enjoy meeting someone for who they truly are, so we can also be real. We can love with a sense of freedom because we don’t need someone to love us or change us. We can create intimacy because we are comfortable and enjoy spending time with ourselves.
We are powerful beyond measure and it is easy to give this power away. To circumstances, to God, to someone else, to our problems, to our family. The moment we are willing to be responsible for our results, for who we are, that is the moment we open the door to create the reality our heart knows we want to experience.
It only stays a fantasy when we don’t put any action toward it. In other words, taking it from a dream to a goal. From imagining to creating.
Don’t miss out on today for tomorrow.
It is gigantic for our soul to have a direction, a vision, and our goals, but let’s not miss out on the now. Where we are right now is real, and we can enjoy and feel grateful for it. There will never be another today.
I have an unshakable belief that if we learn to enjoy the present moment, what our life is at this very moment, we have a greater chance of enjoying what is to come.
Yes, we could be better or even worse than we are now. But we exist. We are here, and that surpasses any comparisons we can make with ourselves. Being here means we have a chance that gets renewed every single f*cking day whether we see it or not.
If we look into our eyes, they will show us. They will show us how grateful they are for what they have seen. How we are just getting started. Because every new day is an opportunity, a gift.
For today, we can be grateful and we can smile knowing we can take care of ourselves.
We can love ourselves. Looking straight into our hearts with compassion, wonder, and endless gratefulness for being alive.
There is nothing we are searching for that we don’t already have inside.
You don’t need to be validated, baby, you are f*cking precious. Time to embrace real. To feel how alive we truly are.
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