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Well, you can’t, and that’s the point.

You have to show up and find out in every changing moment.

If you want to know what a woman wants, you need to be present to all of her signals. Facial expressions, breath, body language, sounds, movements, and—less reliably—words express whatever we are experiencing. Learn to listen beyond what she says because, sometimes, she might not fully know what she wants.

Think of yourself as a pleasure detective. What does this beauty, this flower, this glorious, vulnerable being want?

When you touch her, notice her response. Does she seem relaxed or tense?

Using all of your senses, feel into her layers. A relaxed response is unmistakable, whereas a tense response is unclear and confusing. You might think it’s excitement—and it might be—but you need more information to be certain.

Again, you can’t mistake relaxation. Try several ways of touching her, seeking anything that induces this relaxation.

Keep asking, either silently or out loud, “How does this feel? Do you like this? How could I do it even better?” And remember that some women won’t automatically know the honest answer to this question.

But their bodies will.

Why is this such a big deal?

I believe that almost every woman needs sexual healing, and most women who have any sexual history have been sexually wounded. Our vaginas are sensitive and have been entered without our consent for generations and millennia. The sensitive tissues inside hold not only physical trauma but all of the associated emotional, psychological, and even generational trauma.

Way too many women go along with disempowering sexual experiences we really don’t want or wish would be different, and we can have little awareness about our sexual motivations or blocks.

Unfortunately, some women might condition themselves to like whatever men like. Even pre-sexual or non-sexual girls and women mirror and absorb the demeaning and disempowering messages all around them, and they can carry the compounded pains of our sexually wounded mothers, grandmothers, and society.

The system has not been kind to men: most have been conditioned to be insensitive toward themselves. Many were told: “Boys don’t cry. Toughen up, don’t feel, or don’t show that you can feel at least.”

We can all find more sensitivity toward ourselves. We can love ourselves better, heal our wounds, forgive ourselves for our lack of awareness, and find better—more fulfilling and sustainable—sexual touch and communication.

To anyone who wants to support a woman in her sexual healing, there are simple ways you can help.

You can be sensitive. You can go slow, really slow.

Ask almost any woman in private about how a man touches her, and she is likely to say: “A hundred times slower would have been better.”

It’s so freaking easy to go slow. I can’t believe people haven’t figured this out yet. How can two people really connect with each other when all of that intense, traumatizing or re-traumatizing pounding or rubbing movement is happening?

Porn teaches men to do things and to do them fast. This appeals to the primal male instinct, not the evolved masculine potential. This type of sexuality completely disregards a woman’s pleasure.

The evolved (heterosexual) masculine meets women as an equal. His sexuality is not wholly self-serving. There are balances of giving with heightened awareness and special sensitivity to the wounded sexual feminine.

The sexual meeting ground is one of consent, healing, mutuality, emotionality, and perhaps even love.

Personally, my favorite, highest, most connected, most fulfilled sex is almost completely still, at least, at regular intervals. The pathway of the sexual force moving through me and my lover, the energetic flow through contact alone—no or little movement—is such an incredibly powerful high. It doesn’t re-traumatize by doing things quickly and unconsciously, but instead, it touches with deep, unmoving presence.

This is profoundly healing.

Yes, my favorite lovemaking is deliciously slow and often still. This is vulnerable, unknown territory, but I feel that with sex, less is so much more. So. Much. More.

At least for sexual healing.

Meet her yoni.

Yoni is a Sanskrit word that means “sacred space” or “divine portal.” Its tone is soft and supportive, and its origin is of reverence, honoring a woman’s genitals as a gateway for divine procreative energy.

If you want to do something amazing for a female lover, here are a few recommendations:

1. Attune to her pace.

Honor a woman’s organic readiness and desire. Women are generally not ready to be entered until they are quite turned on, feel safe, and have an organic desire to be entered. Way too often, a finger or penis just somehow winds up inside, and then women have to figure out how to either “go with it” or to slow down and stop the action.

Here are some tips to attune to a woman’s organic pace:

>> Check multiple signals for consent, not just her words.

>> Be receptive. Attention to her desires may be new and can evoke deep emotions. Many women have never been cared for in their sexuality.

>> Keep the pace slow and present.

>> Stay in your own body and connected to your own pleasure.

>> Ask her questions, both out loud and silently. By asking silently, you will build deeper awareness and intuition.

>> Constantly watch and listen for her body’s answers, especially when she’s looking for relaxation, relief, and release.

>> Match her breathing.

>> Pause at times into stillness.

>> Maintain an attitude of patience, curiosity, and deep care.

2. Cup her yoni.

For any woman who has been sexually traumatized (like I said, this is just about most women), cupping her yoni (especially before touching it in other ways) may be a deeply received type of touch. Many women will immensely appreciate you trying this while their panties are still on—another layer of safety. (This also works for arousal. It can be stimulating to be touched gently outside a thin layer of clothing.)

Either way (naked or clothed), to cup the yoni, just put your whole hand over her entire vulva and find a pressure she likes.

This sounds simple, but it can be one of the most profound forms of touch for a woman who has never experienced it. I still often cry when I’m touched this way. It is so safe, and there are so many forms of touch that are just not safe.

3. Develop “fingerprint sensitivity.”

This is a great tip for developing your sensitivity before you touch a woman’s inner parts: use your fingertips to feel for your own fingerprints. Notice how gently you need to touch your fingertip to feel for its fingerprints. Try to remember that exquisite sensitivity when you are touching a woman’s vulva.

We so desperately need pleasure education and sexual communication education. Otherwise, we wind up with an excess of pain that gets mostly marginalized and rarely addressed.

We have inherited a sex-negative legacy that is terribly unnecessary, and it will continue to harm women until we find a path to change. We can make new choices. It is a radical act to slow down, do less, connect from the heart, listen, and begin the potent process of sexual healing.

Stay tuned for Part 2: how to give a yoni massage.