2:12am… The purple glow from my watch flashes at me. It’s now the early hours of Monday morning. We went to bed about four hours earlier, now I am wide awake. Not uncommon for me when I sleep at your house. You, laying next to me, light breathing with a mild snore, sleeping with no cares in the world. Me, I went to bed unsettled, after you declined my advances, you were too tired you told me. But now I lay there, eyes wide open, thinking about the rejection and the triggered texts messages between us from earlier. Are they related I wonder?

2:37am… Last weekend was a rough one for us. The week following wasn’t much better, but this past Friday night, by the time we had met up for happy hour, I could feel you loved me again. I do not think you ever stopped, but my mind tells me otherwise after we have a disagreement. That night we sipped wine, ate oysters & gourmet burgers, laughed and shared our week. It was perfect! Later, back at your place, cloudy from the wine, we laid naked in your cool, cotton sheets. We enjoyed each other’s bodies, you commented on my silhouette in the dark. You love my body, I know this because you tell me often and I welcome the compliment each & every time. My desire for you has never changed; I still lust for you as if we had just started dating even though it is 13 months later. That night I drift off into a deep, satisfied sleep, one of few that I have had at your house, my needs being met and feeling fully loved.

3:04am…  I now recall Saturday. I longed for you the entire day. We shared provocative text messages of what we wanted to do to each other later that night, other things we wanted to explore, but ran out of energy the night before. I couldn’t wait to see you. I even offered to be the designated driver when I went to dinner with my friends just so I could stay focused on you and me later that evening. But the night, it had different plans for us, and we each honored the change, and said we will reconvene on Sunday night at your house. Our desires we so artfully crafted in text on Saturday, never got the chance to be a reality. Sunday arrives for us and after a year, I should have known the routine by now. Sunday comes and you have to put your “Dad Hat” back on around 10am, grocery shop, parent teenagers, then start to tackle the work week. I always feel lost among your “dad” stuff sometimes, my abandonment wounds glaring brightly during these moments of what I never had growing up. I keep telling myself I must have done something wrong over the last 24 hours as I continue to lay there next to you. Why else would have you rejected my sexual advances? It had to be more than you just being tired. I begin to spiral in my thoughts.

3:34am… I am still awake. You have moved a few times, coughed and adjusted your pillow. I can feel your breath on my face. Me on my side, staring at you wondering how you can sleep so peacefully when I feel so triggered and riddled with anxiety? I think about a story I wrote earlier about self-sabotage and wonder if that is what I am doing right now, looking to run when things are actually pretty good; are they? I am questioning our relationship, wondering if I am in the right one or if it is my past wounds trying to sabotage my love for you. I don’t know. I reach for my phone, slip under the blankets so the light doesn’t disturb you, and make notes to discuss this with my new therapist later in the week. One question I need to ask her, how do you know if you are in the right relationship? How am I suppose to feel, and why do I sometimes feel inadequate when I lie next to you? You love me, you are kind to me, but some days I really feel like I am not enough and need to leave. Maybe this is a healthy relationship, how would I know, I have nothing to compare it to from my past? Most days are quiet for you and me, and my soul is so use to chaos & calamity, I can see why I sometimes feel this isn’t enough and need to seek what has been previously known to me – toxic love.

4:07am… I feel the heaviness behind my eyelids. Grateful that I can sleep for two more hours before we both get up and go live our different lives. You went to bed fully back in dad & boss mode, putting your boyfriend cape back on the shelf for the week. Me, back to my little, lonely house and mundane government job, however, the benefits are fantastic! But I never leave girlfriend mode. I just sit and wait, quieting my thoughts as the days go on, Friday feeling so far away. I will spend the week looking at last weekend’s perceived relationship failures and how I can be better for us next weekend. Focusing on how I can be less reactive emotionally because you were too tired on Sunday to text me during the day or accept my sexual invitation earlier that night. Hopeful this new therapist gives me a better strategy to calm my anxiety. I want you to see all the hard work I am doing to improve my mental health.

6:05am… We hug, say love you & goodbye to each other. I jump in my cold car and make the five minute commute home. I sit in my house listening to the tick of the kitchen clock waiting for this Friday. I am hopeful to be fully healed by then and spend the rest of our lifetime arguing only over pepperoni or sausage on our pizza. I know, the healed by Friday is a long shot, but my fingers are crossed you always choose pepperoni!