I once had a partner describe me as demanding. When I requested an example of my demanding behavior, they explained that they felt unduly burdened with the obligation of telling me I am beautiful whenever I sent them a photo of myself.

I felt insulted, hurt, and, frankly, embarrassed that they felt this way. For the life of me, I do not remember ever telling anyone that I expect them to tell me that I am beautiful. My insides are twisting and squirming right now just thinking about ever saying that to someone, let alone having someone I love believe this about me.

We all have stories our brains tell us about people and things that aren’t accurate. We take experiences from our past or our own insecurities and assign them to others. It is our job to be curious and investigate the validity of those stories through communication and introspection.

My partner was projecting the story their brain told them about me for any number of reasons, all of which had nothing to do with me. I’m not going to lie and say this knowledge takes the sting away, but there is a freedom that comes with knowing that I cannot control the way people perceive me, because some portion of their perception comes from within themselves.

Let me tell you, as someone who was once married to a human who had a fairly public mental breakdown, people tell themselves a lot of stories about who I am. In some minds, I will be forever associated with that human and how they behaved in the throes of mania.

Stemming from their knowledge of this one aspect of my life, people I’ve never met have diagnosed me with mental disorders. People have referred to me as a “shit magnet” and “drama queen.” Some people believe that I drove my former spouse into a manic episode with cruelty. Others have perceived me as very loving and incapable of seeing anything but the best in people. I’ve had many people who love me tell me that I am incapable of making big choices for myself. And even more people don’t think of me at all.

I, too, have been known to make assumptions about people based on one piece of information that did not encompass the whole of their person. I’ve judged people based on past experiences I’ve had that bore no relationship to the current person being judged. I’ve assigned my own personality flaws, insecurities and fears onto others without actual cause. I’ve also made the mistake of believing what people tell me they are, while ignoring it when their actions don’t reflect their words.

Today, I am working not only to unlearn this way of perceiving others, but also to let go of my desire to control how others perceive me. The trick, I think, is to trust your own moral compass and instincts, while believing what people show you about who they are.

And, both sides of this coin seem to be about releasing the desire for control.