Every day I have trouble transitioning from one thing to the next.  I’ve come to accept that I am not like most others in my life.  I have never been.  My family and friends always seem to get where they need to be effortlessly.  I struggle.  I always have.  I’m not sure I will ever figure it out, but the analytical part of my mind wants to understand.  I’ve tried talking to others and explaining myself and I am always met with curious looks.

I know this to be true.  I start planning for anything way before anyone else does.  I go to bed early.  I go over and over the details in my mind so that I don’t forget anything and that things run smoothly for me.  I try not to rush for that creates the most discomfort.

It’s not my chosen field of work that has manifested these attributes although my work would make one anxious.   And it’s not in my work that I suffer the most.  It’s my personal life.  I have missed events and opportunities because I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to transition and get where I was being summoned.

I’ve been like this since I was a small child.  There are all kinds of labels for neurological diversity these days.  All types of diagnoses.  I do not doubt that I would be labeled ADHD, anxious, depressed, and neurotic, among others.  My family of origin would cause many to also label me as the oldest child, an adult child of a dysfunctional family, and/or a perfectionist.

I loathe labels.  What I do know is that my weaknesses are also my greatest strengths.  And so, I’ve spent many years learning and struggling to accept myself.  It’s been a process and it is hard some days.  I am alone most of the time because I still can’t figure out how to have an active social life and let go of the need to have things run smoothly or effortlessly.   For years, I would agree and want to make plans with friends only later to disappoint us both.  After many painful attempts, I learned to say “no” which I also find painful.

The truth is that I need a tremendous amount of time to myself each day.   I am trying to learn to accept this need even when those close to me have no real understanding.