Is there such a thing as everyday empathy?

When you think of empathy do you think of a big, long, drawn out conversation?  Diving deeply into the meaning about what someone is saying in order to uncover the needs they are longing to have heard?  Certainly I write about it just that way with some regularity.  And yes, we tend to teach this in Nonviolent Communication workshops.

Not today though.

Today I’m writing about conversations about nothing.  The quick hello with a friend or family member.  The check-ins, The simple, every day stuff we say to each other —and how we do that.

I long for a bit more of this in my everyday conversations.  Possibly you don’t notice it?  Maybe you do.  I’m guessing if it was there, you would notice it.

Here’s an example of a recent conversation I had.  I said to a friend that I joined a gym and was excited to get back into the exercise routine.  That person replied with, “I rented a tennis machine and am hitting balls every week” or something like that.  Which is interesting and related for sure.

I would have preferred some connection to what I shared.

Something as simple as, ‘That’s sounds great, I hope you love it.” Or, “what about this gym do you like most?”, Or, “when are you going in for your first workout?” Or, “How much does it cost?”  Or, “Where is the gym?” Or, “What do you do when you workout?”  Or, “I can only imagine how happy you are given how long it’s been”  Or, “When was the last time you were at a gym?”, Or, “Do you have health goals this year?”  Or, “Nice, I am so happy to hear this!”.  Anything that kept the conversation related to what I had just shared —offering me a bit of care and attention, interest in my life.

Yet this person chose, in the very next sentence to bring our attention to what they were doing.  I was left with either somehow bringing our attention back to the enthusiasm, relief, joy and hope that I was connected to and was sharing about, or talking about their life.  In this case, I chose to just stop talking.  It wasn’t such a big deal, or at least that’s what I told myself, although noticeable.  And it happens relatively often throughout my day.  With almost everyone.

I repeat in workshops and coaching sessions, there is no such a thing as ‘not a big deal’.  Ultimately whatever the stimulus is for the feelings we have the needs are genuine.  The strength (of depth) of our feelings, offer us the information we need to discern how important those needs are.  In this case, it turns out that it was/is a big deal.  I hadn’t been to a gym in close to a year (for lots of challenging reasons).  I had a lot of feelings about finding this one.  It meant a great deal to me, and I wanted to talk about it.

There are so many occasions when I long to slow down conversations in order to have an experience actual connection rather than just a bit of back and forth sharing information.  I am guessing it all boils down to having the need met of mattering.  Is what’s happening in my life even a glimmer of interest to you?  Why are we even talking?

There is not where I suggest you get mad and yell at the person because you think your needs don’t matter to them.  It is the moment to consider how the important needs will get met.  It is where and when we have power in our world.  It is a choice point.

When and with whom do you share what your needs are so they are likely to get met?

One more super-important question as well.  How do you share?

If it is right now with this person, determine what you could say and/or do that invites them into the conversation you are hoping for.  Rather than make them wrong for doing what they did.  This is where so many people get stuck and confused.  Remembering that you are responsible for generating and advocating for your needs.  The hope is, of course, they have the time, interest, and skills for doing what you ask.  And, they might not.  If they don’t, then what are your other options for getting your needs met.

Please do not get stuck in the strategy of this person listening to this thing you want to talk about and them changing how they are in order to meet your needs.  It is so difficult at times to notice that they haven’t been and how you are outsourcing your power to them.  Asking for the same thing over and over —usually without much self-reflection on how you might be contributing to them being the way they are with you (great content for another blog right here!!), and then blaming them for the lack of intimacy or satisfying relating.

If you want to have relationships that are truly satisfying, then you are required to do a few things:

1.  Know what your needs are and advocating for your needs (not strategies) —no matter how unimportant you might think they are.
2.  Consider a wide variety of strategies to have your needs met.
3. Letting certain people off the hook for meeting them when they can’t or don’t want to do the thing you are asking for.
4.  Consider how you are living up to your own expectations with regard to generating these needs by your actions.

Especially in the small, everyday conversations you are having.  Everyday empathy.  Ask for it. And, if you can be mindful enough, offer it to your loved ones. They might be longing for it as well.