I am not a big fan of labels. They are mostly used to let us off the hook for considering the other person’s feelings and needs.  Oh, they are just a narcissist, or they are just evil, or uncaring, or mean-spirited.  Labels used in this way will not foster understanding and connection and allow you to blame the other person for the troubles you share.  The same is true when you see your kids or children and through that label and use it to navigate life with them.

I recently had a meal with a friend.  She is meeting her future in-laws for the first time in a few weeks.  Her daughter said she didn’t want to go.  Her response as she was sharing this story with me was, I will have to figure out a way to get her to want to go.

Immediately I had a few questions:

1.  Did you ask her more questions?  Did you take the time to have her be fully heard and understood about his statement?

2.  Do you actually want her to go?  Why?

3.  If she doesn’t want to go, and you find some way to force her to go (easy enough in a parenting role) what will the impact be on your relationship and their relationships moving forward.

She really hadn’t thought about it.  My friend didn’t see the subtle way she was exerting power over her child, simply because she was her daughter.  Truth be told, many of us have this way of relating in our adult relationships —because we haven’t learned to share power and accept responsibility for our experience in the world.  Our happiness is placed squarely on someone else’s shoulders which is painful for all involved.

Labels are a power thing.  Rather than negotiate from needs and making decisions based on ‘what is’, it is easy to label someone something, and then either give away your power, or wield your power in the case of your kids.  Often without the self-awareness that it is even happening.

If I say someone is narcissistic, then I can forego navigating my feelings about the ‘what is’ behind the label.  Perhaps the person consistently is not able or willing to consider you when making decisions, or has difficulty in acknowledging the ways you contribute to the relationship.  Likely if you find yourself in this kind of relationship, you feel a good deal of disappointment, frustration, loneliness, desperation (if it has continued for a good deal of time).  Your needs for consideration, and cooperation, acknowledgment, celebration, contribution are wildly unmet.  The possibility here is to choose to change the nature of the relationship with this person.  It is a powerful move.  Rather than either just staying in the unsatisfying relationship, consistently resigned to not having your needs met, or leaving the relationship, in both cases blaming them for the unfortunate situation by assigning the label narcissistic.

What does this have to do with your kids?

Everything about it is the same except the actual label itself.  You are the person who teaches them their value in the world.  You are the one who teaches them how to navigate power, how to be seen, how to advocate for themselves and others when making choices about what they do.

Become fully mindful about what intentions you have when doing daily life with your children.  What is the role you want to play in their lives?  What do you want them to learn from you and your interactions?  What are you actually responsible for?  Are your actions congruent with these things?  If you want your children to be able to responsible for their own choices and find their power in relationships as they grow up, is what you are doing teaching them how to do that?  Or are you teaching them how to be obedient?  Are they confident in who they are, or are they consistently looking outside of themselves for recognition and their value.

Sharing power with your children without punishment might seem scary because most of us are quite used to the power over method of negotiation.  And the power over in controlling our kids.  Yet, we didn’t like it when we were being raised, so we are determined not to say no to our kids.  We want them to like us, be our friends.  It turns out that either of these choices aren’t the best given your intentions.

I remember hearing Marshall Rosenberg [author of the book, Nonviolent Communication, The Language of Life] recount a practice he did in a workshop.  He divided the participants into two groups.  He gave each group a card with instructions to follow the NVC protocol, suggesting that they ask a person who didn’t return something they borrowed and/or used.  Unbeknownst to each group, he had different labels:  one group was communicating with a neighbor.  The other group was communicating with their child.  The results were surprising to me.  The language indicating care for all needs being met was different for each group.  In the neighbor group, there was consideration and empathy woven into the communication.  In the children group there was a good deal more right/wrong and finding fault, and punishment language.

You can essentially make your kids do things, meaning you can punish them if they don’t do what you say.  How do you teach kids what to do without punishment?  Before you simply replace the word punishment with consequences take note if you are operating the same, just using a new and politically correct word.  Is this your way to pretend that you aren’t using the punishment/reward (power over) model of relating?  Have compassion for yourself because most of us are just figuring out this new way of relating —power with (even with our children).   Consider shifting your attention to teaching your kids about impact.  Without making them wrong.  And without making them responsible for your feelings.  In order to do this well, you must first be able to acknowledge the impact of your actions on them and communicate about it all honestly and with care.

In every relationship understanding the reasons for our requests —what needs we are attempting to meet by making the request is what’s essential.  Right alongside being curious to hear the needs behind whatever the other person’s response (reaction) might be —whether they are making a request of their own, making an offering, or even a demand!!  Translating a demand into needs is a super skill in creating satisfying relationships.  Whether it is our own demand, or the demands of others.

This is true with your kids.  Parents these days tend to navigate requests and demands through a series of random rules, rather than revealing reasons why the decisions/choices/requests and demands are being made.  It’s no different than adult relationships, yet with your kids, you have a good deal of power over them because of their age.  We end up teaching kids to be obedient rather than cooperative.  This leads to adult relationships that are steeped in implicit (yet likely unconscious) power struggles.

Rather than operating through random rules that you alone execute, for example, telling your kids they must ‘be ready’ by 8am, tell them why.  Why you are demanding they do something they don’t want to.  In this example: reliability, dependability, security, cooperation.  Let them know you want to arrive at work when you told your team you would and your child’s cooperation is a part of you being able to keep your commitments.  They may not actually care (or even understand) at very young ages.  Yet your actions are congruent with your intention to meet needs, and that will be ‘understood’ at any age.

The important thing is that you acknowledge that you are making a demand of your child.  When you disguise making a demand by framing it as a request, you are setting your relationship up for years of mistrust.  At the same time you must communicate that you care about their needs and are present to the impact this has on your child —yes, even if they are very, very young.  This means being staying calm and offering them your attention to their feelings about what is happening.  Even if only for a minute or two.

If you are saying one thing, doing another, even if you aren’t aware of it, your child is.  Acknowledge what I call Practical Use of Force to your child.  It builds trust between you and your child.  They learn they can count on you to confirm what’s happening.  It teaches them to trust themselves as well as teaches them how to navigate their feelings and how to effectively and compassionately understand and use power.

Rather than telling your kids they are good or bad, or that they have made you proud or happy (or unhappy) with their behavior, you can use language to share your feelings, which also include the needs that either were or were not met by their actions.  Please do include some other strategies than the one they chose (if you are disappointed) so they understand that they had had/have options.  In all situations, be sure to acknowledge what is happening for them, connect to the needs they are trying to meet, then let them know why you are going to insist they do something they might not want to.  This relieves them from being responsible for your feelings, and offers them an opportunity to care about your needs.  This teaches them how to share power with you now and with anyone ongoing as they grow up.  It also allows them to have whatever emotions of their own about the interaction and have you witness them.

Witnessing your children’s feelings allows them to have the experience of value and being seen for who they are.  Rather than saying things, like:  It isn’t so bad, or you’ll be okay, ask them if they think they will be okay, or what’s important to them about what happened.  Offer them an opportunity to practice learning what their needs are, communicating them to you and negotiating with you how they might get them met in a way that works for you as well.

It takes intention and practice to make this shift from Power Over to Power With.  Sharing  power with your children is worth the effort.